brave awakening

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Writing these memories has probably been the hardest for me. Going back to those dark memories have probably been all the more traumatizing for me. But in a way had it not been for my husband giving me the strength to write this. It’s never been easy with my trauma.

CHAPTER 1

March 10th, 2012

On March 8th, 2012, my best friend died of COPD. The next ten years would be misery as you would have it. I would go through emotional torture and abuse for nearly a decade. All of which no one would ever realise I went through. All except for one who witnessed it all and never once helped me.

Funny thing is about everything, my abuser encouraged me to write a memoir of my life.

I recall the memories of my darkness the past almost ten years.

I will be writing this memoir as if it all happened again.

***

On March 10, 2012, Uncle Kenneth, his new wife, and daughter Lori stayed with us over the weekend. As everyone gathered around the table sharing stories and eating, I wasn't able to eat. I stared into space thinking how could this just happen.

Everyone always leaves. God takes everyone I love away from me.

But in truth it wasn’t God it was just the fact she was sick.

Everyone was acting like it was just a normal day when it was so devastating.

I think that was the sign of when I developed anxiora. Truth is I didn’t know what I would do. I just wanted to die to be with her. I think it was at that moment when he saw me as his future target for the next ten years.

After we left for the funeral, I dreaded this moment because I just didn’t want to go. If I had my drivers licenses I would have sped away never looking back. It wasn’t that simple for me. You see I had nothing, I didn’t work, I never had the encouragement to work, I never had my license to drive.

It was traumatizing for me, to see everyone there it was a huge spectacle. My ex-fiance was there sitting behind me.

I recall seeing my mom, step dad, and sister enter the funeral viewing room feeling that instant relief.

Okay, maybe this won’t be so bad. She would ease me. Help me feel better. Would she even notice me? Or hug me. Tell me everything will be okay when in fact it will never be okay again.

If only that were the case. I never once got such ease, or comfort.

I could feel her though, Mommow watching me feeling her heartbreak. Which made me feel even more devastation.

Mommow: Emily if anything happens to me I don’t want your Mom there.

Me: Why Mommow?

Mommow: Because of the way she treated you all her life, she is no daughter of mine.

Poppow couldn’t respect that, he just couldn’t respect that. He had to reach out to her.

There was a part of me who wanted to say to him what were you thinking inviting her, you know what Mommow wanted. But the other part of me just was too afraid to say anything.

I was afraid of him for a very long time.

So, like the little girl within me I saw my mom walking up to her and I hugged her. I wanted her approval on everything, including how I’m dealing with this loss.

After we parted ways, I felt that foreboding of wanting my Mommy. Something that I will never have for the years to come.

After the funeral, we arrived back home and my mind raced thinking what now.

There is a misconception of the grieving process when it’s someone you truly love more than anything in this world. The grieving process may vary.

But I didn’t have that luxury to grieve the loss of my best friend.

Poppow: How about pizza tonight?

Me: Sure.

I can’t even think about food right now but okay.

Later that evening in bed, I could hear a dog crying out. My first instinct was to run to him and I did. Burkley, my Mommow’s dog, knew the death happened. I walk fast up to him picking him.

I brought him to bed and in doing so made him my first real pet.

For the next five weeks would be the hardest of my life, a real eye opener.

On May 12th, 2012, not even two months in mourning Poppow had my aunt Marlin and I sign a last will testament his attorney had drawn up. Aunt Marlin and I signed it unsure of what we were signing.

I had just lost my best friend two months ago and you are telling me to sign something that didn’t even feel right.

It seemed like life kept becoming harder and harder for me.

CHAPTER 2

Summer of 2013

I gave up and I was on the brink of reaching my limit with losing Mommow, Poppow completely turning into this abusive monster. I just couldn’t handle it any more. So, I stopped taking my medicine, and started to starve myself. I just wanted to die. Can you imagine going through emotional abuse countless times being blamed for the death of the person you’ve loved like a mom. I just couldn’t take it any more.

I remember the day all so clear the day I had my mental breakdown, Poppow was gaslighting me and confusing me. No one would believe me about him, no one would. The only person who believed me didn’t even help me was Marlin. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

In a state of shock yet still aware I could feel as though I am watching myself from the ceiling. I wrote my sucide letter, and then I was called to the kitchen.

“Emily, you have to eat and take your medicine.”

“I don’t want to take it, I don’t want to eat, Mommow is gone, she is dead and you are dating a new woman. Don’t you even love her?”

“Yes, Emily I do. But we have to move on with our lives.”

“Did you even grief her?”

It was the first time I ever spoke up like this. I figure this was the first time I ever did this. What else did I have to lose?

“Emily, stop this. You have to eat and take your medicine.”

I remember walking away crying hysterically because my whole world had really turned upside down.

Girlfriend number one was horrible, she was trying to gain my trust by taking me to Amish country to get snacks. Taking my shopping, showering me with gifts. It felt as though she was trying to convince me she was a good person, but she wasn’t.

I can remember the hopelessness and the need to be out of my situation.

I needed an anchor to guide me back to the light. By this time, I’m in my darkest moment.

Later that evening I was admitted into Marymount Behaviour Mental Hospital a catholic hospital in Garfield Heights, Ohio. Eight days felt like an eternity. I lost a good friend or I thought she was when she found out I have bipolar disorder.

I promised myself if I ever got released I would do anything to survive even if I did things that I wouldn’t normally do.

Now the funny thing is no one would ever believe my story about him because he was a picture perfect citizen. A pillar of the community.

CHAPTER 3

New Years Eve 2021

It has been nine years of abuse, of hopelessness. I ask God the same question, why me? Why did I have to go this way? Why do good people who are seen by others under the surface are wicked? To this day I have no answers to these questions.

Looking back at my life I felt like I was being groomed to replace my grandma if anything happened to her. I love my Mommow I really do, and I know it wasn’t her idea to do this. It was his.

By this time, I was engaged to my now husband. I felt like he was my anchor. For years I was told to write a memoir about everything I endured but. I just didn’t want to write about it. For this reason, I was afraid no one would believe my story. Another reason was the truth behind the stories.

Writing about it means it actually happened? And I just didn’t want to believe it. For many years, I knew it to be true.

By this many years Poppow that word is special to me, and he is no longer special to my heart. I vowed to myself, I will always call you old man nothing more.

For nine years he lied to me about my sanity, just because he was afraid to be alone.

The betrayal still stings, I could have done so much with my life. I could have had friends. I could have had a better life. But no he took that away from me.

In the beginning of the year, everything changed for me the day the old man said he would be retiring.

It was at this time I knew something didn’t sound right.

As time would go on it would be a lot of time I would be spending at home while the old man and special friend would hang out together.

When she wasn’t around he would play mind games, to try to get me to speak about my personal life. I just wouldn’t say anything about it.

Aunt Marlin ended up in remission with her cancer. Yet I was stuck with taking care of a child-like woman who is supposed to be my aunt.

I felt run down and upset.

All I want is to be free, at this point I’m just tired of the nonsense. That’s putting it little.

Spring of 2021

Everything seemed to just mount up like crazy. I received my Passport, the ticket to my freedom. At this moment with a grin on my face from ear to ear nothing could change my mood. I found my strength, so I showed him my passport.

Most grandparents would be proud their grandchild is going to leave the nest, to start a new life. But his response is was a typical one hey,

“Hey Em can I see that?”

“No, I think I will hang onto it.”

The look on his face was so epic, lately it felt so good to me to say no.

It was the first year in 2021, we never had a christmas tree. This was when I knew something wasn’t right so many red flags were showing I was astonished. As the year went on through and through.

My attitude on life began to change, I valued it more. I was looking back at everything I did that would later never make sense to me.

Mentally I assessed everything I ever did and would always ask myself why? Why did I have to go through this? What did Job in the bible learn from his trials and tribulations?

I feel like with every bible story the one I could relate to most even when I didn’t practice Christianity at the time was the book of Job. I couldn’t even fathom nor cope with what happened to me.

All the while my heart is telling me to run, run as far as you can. Don’t look back.

I should rephrase this, by saying that I want to run far away. I am saying that I want to run away from the person who made me feel like I had no choice in life.

In my length of life, I’ve been told that I am a mistake, I shouldn’t have been born. Those words have hurt me more than anything. What was I thinking? To believe. My automatic words to say, are you okay? How should I believe this bastard was willing to work until he physically died.

“Emily, it's just time I quit working. There is nothing I can do about it.”