Bon Appetit Meat

I received some organs in the mail on Tuesday.

Not the musical instruments, but the internal kind on health class posters. My organs worked just fine, so there was no reason for a donation.

The organs were enclosed in brown paper that leaked at the bottom of the package. It was sent without a return address. There was a kidney, a liver, and a heart wrapped and sitting in a cooler of ice. The vile odor engulfed the room like a smoke bomb which caused me to puke bean burrito debris on my carpet. I tidied up the apartment and called the cops.

Yellow tape was rolled around my sofa and coffee table. It made my studio apartment feel even smaller. Detectives, state troopers, and FBI agents circled the room like musical chairs.

They called in the USPS driver who delivered the package. She was a square-shouldered woman with wispy bangs that nearly covered her eyes like an English sheepdog. She hadn't thought the package was suspicious even though it was bulky and leaked all over my floor. I heard her tell the authorities she thought I ordered ice cream. I was too traumatized to get upset at her misjudgment.

The man who interviewed me introduced himself as Agent Robinson. He was a gangly man who wore a black vest that read Police U.S. Postal Inspector. "So you're like a mailman with a gun?"

"I'm an officer of the law." He pulled out his notepad, irritated. "I just have a few questions for you. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm between jobs right now."

"Unemployed, got it." He scribbled in his notepad. "Have you received suspicious packages like this before?"

"I order stuff on Amazon. Not organs though. I don't think Amazon sells organs. They might though, Amazon has everything."

"Did you touch the contents in the package?"

"No. . . well, I touched the kidney, but I didn't touch anything else." Over Detective Robinson's shoulder, I saw detectives emptying my refrigerator. One of them dug a gloved fingertip into my hummus and tasted it. "What are they doing, and why is that guy eating my hummus?"

"Jimmy, have you ever had a craving for human flesh?" Agent Robinson pushed his notepad to the side.

"Nigga, what?"

"I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this," he assured me.

"For your information, I'm vegan."

"Right." He stood up and scratched his five o'clock shadow, and handed me his contact information. "We'll keep in touch if we have any follow-up questions."

"Hey, did you know there's a restaurant named after you?" An officer on the way out stopped to ask me.

"Yeah, Jimmy's Homemade Meats."

"You ever been there? I'd bet they give you discounts." His Botox smile seemed frozen on his face like a Joker victim.

"He's a vegan, Mike," Agent Robinson chimed in.

"Really? Never heard of a vegan cannibal," Mike chuckled.

If there was anyone I couldn't stand more than cops, it was carnivores.

~

Suddenly, everyone in town knows me as the guy who orders organs off the internet. People driving by shout "Vegan Dahmer" or "Herbivore Lector" out of their car windows.

If it isn't bad enough, a white van is always parked outside of my apartment. I know it's the FBI, but sometimes I imagine it's Xfinity cable.

I watch enough Netflix crime documentaries to know the police never really solve mysteries. Citizens solve them by connecting the dots. Cops just take the credit like the student who doesn't contribute to a group project but gets a good grade anyway.

The names on my poster board are either mortal enemies or neighbors in my apartment complex. Any one of them can be a suspect.

The first suspect is Ms. Franklin, my landlady, an old woman with red warts on her hands and the demeanor of a Disney stepmother. Her motive: she sells organs to her elderly friends, but the package accidentally came to me. Then, there is Charlie, my husky next-door neighbor who blasts 50 Cent at two in the morning while he works out. His motive: he sends the organs to me as a prank to gross me out for being vegan. Then, of course, there is Samantha, my ex-girlfriend. Not only does she like eating pineapples on her pizza, but the red flags continue from there. Her motive: she wants revenge because I broke up with her. So far, Samantha is suspect number one.

A knock at the door interrupts me. Through the peephole, I see a willowy woman with strawberry blonde hair. I turn off the Ted Bundy documentary and play The Karate Kid, then I open the door and invite her in.

"My name's Jennifer. I live on the thirteenth floor."

“We've bumped into each other on the elevator a few times. Can I get you water or anything?"

"No, thank you." Jennifer sits on the couch, making sure not to touch anything." So you're the famous Penshaw Cannibal?"

"First time I've heard that one."

"I figured you must be lonely." She stands up and begins examining the poster board.

"What makes you think I'm lonely?" I regret inviting her in.

"Well, Penshaw is a pretty small town, and I never see you out at the bars or anything."

"I consider myself an introvert."

"How come you don't have me on your board?"

"You're not a suspect."

Jennifer prowls around the room like a lion. Stopping to pick up a random object every now and then. This goes on for minutes.

"Would you like to get dinner with me tonight?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"You've been cooped up in this apartment. I think you should get some fresh air."

"You don't even know me," I refuted. "You don't want to be seen with me anyway, trust me."

"I do trust you. Now, come on, I know a spot."

~

Jimmy's Homemade Meats is located in downtown Penshaw. Waiters march to the beat of clattering pans while the sizzling meat smoke floats through the air like the ghosts of slain farm animals. We sat on the outdoor patio.

There are no vegan options on the menu. Every item involves beef or pork. The special of the day is the triple Jimmy burger with cheese and a side of truffle fries.

"Oh no, I forgot you're vegan!" Jennifer shrieked. "Our truffle fries don't contain any beef."

"You say it like you own the place or something," I laughed.

"Well, kind of. My family owns the restaurant."

I feel the ground shake underneath me. A long-limbed goliath of a man stomps past our table with tiny Harry Potter spectacles resting on his nose. "I didn't even know God made people that big."

"That's my brother, Theo. He gets on my nerves."

"Wait, so your dad is 'Jimmy'?"

"Yep, I usually host, but I called off tonight."

"Why did you call off?"

"Because tonight is a special occasion."

An older man steps out of the restaurant and walks to our table. The man is dressed in a brown lapel suit that reminds me of Steve Harvey on Family Feud.

"Dad, I want you to meet my neighbor, Jimmy." Jennifer grins at me.

"I like that name. My name's Jimmy Hill. Where do I recognize you from, son?" The father frowns.

"You might have seen my face on the news."

"Wait a minute, you're the Penshaw Cannibal. The Penshaw Cannibal is at my restaurant. Well, we are honored to have you!" He shakes my hand.

"Dad, not so loud," Jennifer whispers.

For a second, Mr. Hill seems to ogle me. Almost like he's checking me out. "Umm, so I'm vegan. Are the fries safe to eat?"

"Of course. . . you're vegan." Mr. Hill gives a suspicious glance at Jennifer. "You kids enjoy yourselves."

I stare at the menu. A vegan at Jimmy's Homemade Meats is like a black man at a Klan rally. I notice people at other tables look over at me. Just another reason why I need to solve this case and get rid of this stigma.

Jennifer originally wanted to be a surgeon before she started working at the restaurant. She says they hope to franchise the restaurant. She talked all night about her family.

My eyes start to close. I blink to keep them open but feel my shoulders begin to drop. I'm sleepy for some reason. My phone vibrates across the table. It's Officer Robinson, I try to answer, but everything goes dark.

"You should have slowed down on that water," Jennifer murmurs.

~

The frigid air clings against my face like a cold slap. I'm inside a meat locker. My hands are in cuffs causing me to swing into the dead animals hanging next to me. A suffocating odor similar to the cooler hits me. Some of the slaughtered don't look like animals. They look like – decaying human bodies. No time to scream, the freezer opens, and the Hill family trickles inside. Jennifer lays a brown leather bag on the floor. She opens the bag and pulls out scissors and scalpels. "What's all that for? Get me out of this shit. HELP!" I try to wiggle my handcuffs off the hook.

"We're sorry for that little mishap at your apartment," Mr. Hill said. "Never seen them deliver to the wrong address before, but hey, people make mistakes all the time." He now wears a butcher's apron.

"No, this can't be real." The light bulb inside my brain flickers. "You guys are. . . cannibals?"

"Ding, ding, ding," Jennifer giggled, "You have to excuse us. We've never had vegan before."

"Wait, you can't eat me. I'm a drug addict. My organs aren't even functioning."

Mr. Hill gets close to me. I kick him in the chin forcing him to stumble backward. Theo, the giant, holds my body in place as Jennifer cleans her equipment.

I should've known something was off. Women like Jennifer are never nice unless they want to eat you. I'm such an idiot. "You people are crazy!"

"Shh, shh, this will all be over soon," Jennifer promises.

"Is everyone in this town a fucking cannibal?"

"Sort of. They just don't know it yet. We had to spice up our menu ever since that Chick-Fil-A opened around the corner. Now, we finally can add vegan to our menu."

"Why not just add healthier items to the menu instead of just pork and beef?"

"He does have a point, dad," says Theo.

"Shut the fuck up, boy!" Mr. Hill yelled. "Jenny, hurry up with that damn scalpel."

Jennifer slices a part of my arm. Before she can cut again, the freezer door kicks open. A gangly man with Police U.S. Postal Inspector on his vest appears. It's Officer Robinson. He looks around the room in disgust and nearly gags when he sees the decaying bodies.

"Put the weapon down, now!" Officer Robinson pulls his Beretta and aims it at Jennifer.

"Just slow down there, Officer." Mr. Hill slowly approaches Officer Robinson. "I caught this man attacking my daughter, so me and my son intervened."

"That's a lie. These people are trying to fucking eat me. They're cannibals, not me. I'm vegan!"

Theo sprints towards Officer Robinson but is shot in the head before even getting a hand on him. Jennifer finally drops her scalpel as Mr. Hill crawls over to his son, who is now limp on the cold floor. Blood pours down my arm from where Jennifer cut it, and the sight makes me pass out.

~

Sitting in the ambulance, I sip some coffee. The cops find over twenty bodies in the freezer. Officer Robinson says his team had been following me. I cover myself with my blanket.

"Damn, this sucks. Now, where am I going to eat." An EMT smokes a cigarette as he talks to the driver.

If there is anyone I can't stand more than people, it's carnivores.