BLUE KIA SOUL

Life is simple. Complicated, is an excuse people use to pretend like they know what the hell they're talking about. "You wouldn't understand, it's complicated." They say. Well I beg to differ. You see, unlike most I came from nothing. I don't mean mommy-and-daddy-can't-afford-the-next-gen-console version of nothing. I came from literal nothing, as in must-be-nice-to-have-a-ceiling-during-the-winter nothing. One phrase that I would hear over and over again is that "money can't buy happiness". Well, you know what can buy happiness? Plumbing, hot water and a working stove. In some countries these are called utilities. Do you know what buys utilities? Money. Some would argue that it's more complicated than that, however I would avoid arguing with an idiot. I went from nothing to something, chaos to order, anger to happiness. Until the year of 2022.

History always repeats itself, one hundred years ago America suffered a great depression and one hundred years later we suffered one again. It's actually funny how no one saw it coming all the signs were there. Classes were more divided than ever, riots were in the streets, 90% of the country was in crippling debt. The icing on the cake was a new virus that affected plant life, it made plants immediately die when exposed to ammonia. Before that happened I firmly believed there was enough food in the world for everyone to eat, and that the rich just hoarded it for themselves. Now there's barely enough for me to get through the week. All it took was for the government to repeat the mistake of raising tariffs which obviously pissed off every country we traded with causing them to make american goods so expensive no one would buy them. Now that our source of trade was destroyed someone had the genius idea to print more money. You can ask Germany how great of a move that is. The country went tits up so quickly that our military all but screamed out "aliens exist" and not a single soul could financially afford to give a crap. Now everyone lives in my world, they're all playing a game that I won a dozen times. Strangely enough I never hear anyone mention how "money can't buy happiness" nowadays. Weird...

Driving has always been a form of therapy for me, and the road my therapist. I cleared my head of all my negative thoughts and reminded myself that I'd never let myself end up in a cardboard box. I must have been digging deep because before I knew it my gps was telling me that I reached my destination. I was on an old dirt road in the middle of nowhere near an old barn. If it wasn't for the depression I would have never answered a craigslist ad for work in the middle of nowhere, but unfortunately beggars can't be choosers. It was a painting job that paid eight hundred dollars per hour. With three hours of work I'd have just enough to buy food till the end of the week. It took a lot of convincing, but I finally managed to talk myself out of the car.

I tried to focus on making plan for the money I'd get out of this job, that was the only way I could distract myself from how sketchy this situation was. I figure if I could drag out the job and work six hours instead of three, I'd have enough for gas for the week as well. Then I can focus on saving for a flight out of this god forsaken country. As I approached the barn with a newly instilled confidence I noticed there wasn't a soul in sight. I tried calling the guy who posted the ad but it went straight to voicemail. Perhaps out of curiosity I placed my hand on the barn door which caused it to immediately open. I wiser man would have taken that as a sign to get out of dodge, but a hungry man doesn't leave food on the table. I crept into the barn hunched over as if I thought my back was impervious to attack. The barn had one single hanging dim light. There were bundles of hay laying about some old tools but not a person in sight.

I crept around a hay pile and noticed what looked like a man standing in the distance. "Hey! Uh.. I'm um... Here for the ad you posted. Um on Craigslist... Hi.." I said confidently. The man remained still and silent which admittedly scared scared the crap out of me. Not only was he still he was down right static, he didn't even appear to be breathing. Fearing the worse i creeped closer trying to yell but only managing a whisper. "Hey, umm... Buddy... Are you good dude?" I heard the faintest response. It sounded like a raspy sigh. I leaned in closer and crept closer trying to hear what the man could be saying from a distance. The raspy sigh making much more audible with two major differences. One, it turned into more of a lawn mower sound and two, it was coming from behind me. Realizing that I had now strategically placed myself in the middle of a poorly lit barn in the middle of nowhere with one exit, I rationalized that turning around might nit be the best move. The lawn mower churn sound started turning into a low growl and an evolutionary urge to ensure my safety forced me to look at what was causing this blood hurdling sound.

"GROOOOOOWL!!!" My thoughts scattered as I entered fight or flight. Door? Blocked. Is it attacking? It's CHARGING! WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO! OH MY GOD! Focus. If i make myself big I can scare the bear away. SCREW THAT RUN! Can I break through the walls. Dumb question. Maybe i can out run it. Dumb idea. CLIMB! I can climb! IT'S GAINING ON ME! THERE'S A BEAM! I jumped on the beam for dear life and climbed lime a wild animal using muscles I never knew I had, the bear bit my shoe off of my foot as it failed to catch me. As I climbed the beam to my horror I noticed the bear climbing after me! I realized there was a rail connecting this beam to another and I jumped on it hanging for dear life. The bear looked at me in defeat as it climbed down deciding to rest at the bottom waiting for me to fall.

I made myself as comfortable as one could be in that situation as I sat on the rail and thought about life. After everything I've done to get here it seemed like in a matter of moments I lost it all. I looked at my hands which were covered in splinters and my leg which was covered in blood. I hadn't even realized how injured I was from that encounter and now that the adrenaline passed I started to get the pain. I realized that this had been the second time this year the universe decided to completely screw me over. It was as if we were at war, and like all wars there were civilian casualties.

A young woman stumbled into the barn looking half drunk. My eyes darted as my mouth asked out loud what I was thinking. "Where's the bear?" The woman must have heard me because she poorly did a three sixty to face me and asked, "Yeah! Where is the beer!" I jumped off of the rail falling head first onto the hard barn ground. Seeing stars i picked myself up grabbed the woman by the hand and aggressively pulled her out of the barn. From the corner the bear looked up enraged and charged through multiple bundles of hay after us. I swiftly unlocked my car door threw the woman inside and dived in as well in one motion. "Rude.." Said the woman. I took one breath and immediately heard my back passenger door open as a derelict looking old man jumped in. Following that the entire car was slammed into causing us to tip over on two wheels which I'm sure ruined my axles. The bear repeatedly slammed into my blue kia soul which surprisingly withstood the abuse.  It felt like hours had passed as the three of us or perhaps I should say two considering the woman I saved had been giggling the while time, prayed that the car would hold against the onslaught. Finally, it seemed that the bear had stopped. I looked out of my now cracked window at a lump of fur resting next to my car. We were safe for now.

"What the hell is up with that bear?" I asked out loud. The woman who I had rescued, let's call her the damsel, burst out laughing. "BEARS DON'T EXIST!" Screamed the haggardly man. "What?" I asked somewhat frustrated at how insane my guest were. "You seem, BURP, fun, you wanna drink stranger?" Asked the damsel. "I don't drink no more!" Barked the man angrily. "BURP! Well don't drink, BURP, then don't drink no less haha." Responded the damsel. "Awesome... Okay I'm going to drive us out of here, then you two are going to get out my car, deal?" I chimed in deciding I had enough of this day. "No Deal!" Shouted the man. "FOLD!" Shouted the damsel. I immediately realized my energy would be best spent on getting us out of there rather than conversing with the incompetent locals.

I started the car and put it in reverse hoping the bear would remain in its sedentary state. As I set my foot on the gas my ears were greeted with a cacophony of load scraping and clanging of metal all while the car tried desperately to move. The noise woke up the bear because why wouldn't it and eventually smoke started seeping out from underneath my Kia soul. A sixth sense told me to look to my side which I immediately regretted when I locked eyes with what had to have been the personification of sodomy. If I hadn't known any better I'd say the bear was smiling as I tried and failed to move the car just a little bit. "BROTHER BEAR!" Screamed the damsel annoyingly as she sat i her seat upside down. "That's no bear. Bears don't exist dammit! That's an alien." Mumbled the man shakily. To be completely honest I actually believed him. This thing held my gaze the entire time as if just to solidify the idea that my shatter proof window won't protect me. Finally I gave up and gave the bear a look of defeat as I silently begged it to just let us be. My request had been responded to by a series of clicking sounds. I turned the car off and pulled out my key expecting the sounds to stop. "THAT! IS AN ALIEN IMPOSTER! THE ALIENS HAVE TAKEN OVER EARTH DAMMIT! IF THIS IS EVEN STILL EARTH! THAT THING WISHES IT WAS A BEAR BUT IT ISN'T! WE'RE ALL ALIEN PETS! THE DIVINE KARMA!" The man screamed frantically. "Please! Quiet down! Where is that sound coming from?" I begged. "TAKE ME TO YOUR LITERS! HAHAHA!" Screamed the damsel. I angrily cupped my ear with my hands and placed it on the door to hear. I ignored the idiots bickering as I realized the clicking sound was coming from outside. I peeked out the window to realize the bear never stopped staring into my soul. This sent a shiver down my spine but what I found next would prove even more terrifying. As I cautiously shifted my head closer to the window in order to get a better view outside I realized to my horror the clicking sound was the sound of the bear's claws rubbing against my door handle. I felt a lone tear fall from my eye as I again locked eyes with the bear and saw what could be nothing else... But a grin.

In that moment my door had opened but not before i jumped to action closing it and slamming my hand on the lock button. "LOCK YOUR DOORS!" I screamed like a mad man. Both of them surprisingly listened although it took the damsel awhile to do it with her foot. She sat herself upright with a disappointed look on her face. "This isn't chill anymore..." She sighed. "The imposter flees!" Exclaimed the man. To my relief I saw the bear make it's way back into the barn as I thanked god for just a second of calm. I probably should have asked my new friends their story but I hardly even had the energy to think. I was just happy for a moment of quiet. In that moment i realized that for the first time in my life I had no idea what was going on. "They'll be back for him. Must've escaped their cloning labs. Once they come for him they'll nab us too but I won't be here. Once they get ya the wipe your memories and put you on a loop. Make ya live the same day over and over again. Those tall bastards wont catch me!" The old man proudly yelled. As if to prove his point he opened the door amd darted off into the darkness which prompted me and the damsel to jump to his now unlocked door and re lock it. "What an asshole." I accidentally said aloud. "A-S-S-H-O-L-E" repeated the damsel. "Yeah... That's... Uh, that's definitely the word I just said." I replied. "So who are you? And why are you wasted in the middle of nowhere?" I asked her. "I'm a diamond in BURP rough, not waste! Sir! Or Madame? Madame?" She asked. "Sir is fine." I responded. "Right! Well madame my name is my property, and I am a member of red BURP team, my job is to drink and tell the big guys stuff and play games, then a bunch of people made a HUGE hole in the wall and said 'come on we're busting you out' and I said..." As she dragged on I couldn't help but completely lose interest. Perhaps it was my ADHD or perhaps it was because she was obviously too blazed to be saying anything rational but out the corner of my eye I couldn't help but see something peculiar.

It almost blended in with the barn, at first i thought it was some debris blown against it but I realized there was basically no winds today. I traced the outline of what appeared to be an interconnected series of large gray pipes which now covered the barn. They were firmly planted in the ground and as my eyes traced the structures upward until my gaze was higher than the top of the barn I saw something that was too complicated to describe. I saw a pair of bright red eyes that were completely circular and locked on my gaze. I barely noticed that there more entities on behind the barn carrying the bear out. One of them passed giant beast to the other using one hand if you can even call it a hand. Before I knew it the one that locked eyes with me was standing over my car. I didn't hear a thing. All of a sudden a bright green light...

Driving has always been a form of therapy for me, and the road my therapist. I cleared my head of all my negative thoughts and reminded myself that I'd never let myself end up in a cardboard box. As I drove I thought to myself, Life is simple. Complicated, is an excuse people use to pretend like they know what the hell they're talking about.