Bleep

Bleep handed me a glowing green present. I took it.

“Who are you,” I asked? He adjusted the knob on his belt buckle before speaking telepathically.

“I am the gift giving creature; I’m better known as Bleep,” he said.

“Where is Santa Claus?” I asked.

“He accidently forgot your place and asked me to give you this gift,” Bleep said.

“Santa forgot about us?” I asked.

“He’s old,” Bleep explained. “Santa had a long and busy night. He just forgot one house.”

“I’ve seen you,” I said. “You’ve ruined his whole m. o.”

He sprayed me in the face with a special kind of mist.

“What the Hell was that about?” I asked.

He vanished and a few moments later I was holding a mysterious package. I lifted the top and found a ventriloquist dummy inside. I pulled him out and studied him. He wore a French beret, a brown jacket, and a black and white striped shirt. He also wore khaki pants and black boots. He has a pencil thin mustache, a big wide grin, and big white teeth. I sit him in a chair next to my sleeping grandmother. I pulled out the card and it read:

“Hello, I’m Pierre.”

“Goodnight Pierre,” I said while walking upstairs.

The sun was shining and filtered into my bedroom. Andrea, my younger sister, appeared in the doorway.

“Santa’s been here.” She skipped off toward the presents. I yawned a big yawn. Then I showered, dressed, and headed downstairs. Dad sat in a chair. His hair stuck up and he let out a yawn.

“Good morning,” I said. He turned to me and replied:

“Morning kiddo.”

“Where’s Mom?” I asked.

“She’s brewing coffee,” Dad answered. “She’ll be out here in a minute.”

“Is this ventriloquist dummy yours?” Grandma asked, sitting on her futon.

“It sure is,” I said. “Santa brought it.”

“It almost gave me a heart attack when I first woke up,” Grandma said.

“We can’t have your grandma keeling over dead,” Dad said. “At least not until after the holidays,” Dad muttered under his breath. Pierre stared vacantly into grandma’s eyes. She shuddered. Then she picked Pierre up and turned his back to her. She stood straight up and then went to use the bathroom. Pierre stared straight ahead.

Mom came into the room holding two mugs of coffee. She handed a cup to her husband. Dad took a sip of coffee and frowned.

“Why is the coffee cold?” Dad asked.

“I just finished brewing it,” Mom said.

“Is your coffee hot?” Dad insisted.

“Yes,” Mom said. Dad walked into the kitchen and microwaved his cup of coffee. Grandma came out of the bathroom and she smiled.

“There’s plenty of coffee Mom,” my mother said.

“You might have to heat it up,” Dad mumbled.

“I’m fine dear,” Grandma said.

She sat back down and noticed Pierre was once again staring at her. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat as she locked eyes with the dummy. Her eyes began swirling around, she jumped up, and started doing the Charleston. Andrea observed this; she chuckled and clapped as she watched. Dad walked in and he nearly spit out his coffee.

“What the fuck is Anne doing that for?” Dad said looking shocked. Grandma’s face contorted into a mask of fear and confusion.

“I can’t stop dancing,” Grandma cried out. Now Andrea started crying as Grandma danced faster and faster. Her face turned red and she began pouring sweat. Her breathing grew shallower and shallower. She fell onto her futon bed and my mother raced over to check on Grandma.

“Mom, are you okay?” her daughter asked. She gasped for air as she shook like a leaf in the wind. Pierre stood up and spoke.

“Bonjour!” he said. The ornaments started flying off the tree as tree spun around faster and faster. He pinned Andrea to the ceiling via magic! She screamed and cried as she reached out her hand to our parents.

“Let her down!” I demanded. Pierre looked at me, snapped his fingers, and she fell. Dad ran over and caught her. I picked up the doll and was about to chuck it into the fireplace when I noticed it was set to Evil. I changed the setting to Good. It handed everybody a candy cane. Dad still chucked it into the fireplace anyway.

I shrugged, unwrapped the candy cane, and took a lick. In walked Bleep; my family gasped. Seeing him triggered my memory of Bleep handing me the dummy.

“Don’t forget to change the setting to Good,” Bleep had said. Dad grabbed the shotgun and pointed it at bleep. The alien ran off to his spaceship and flew back to Mercury.

“Why did a space creature give you a gift?” Dad asked.

“He said he was filling in for Santa Claus,” I explained.

“Well, we know that aliens exist,” Dad said.

We all heard sleighbells and the sound of reindeers pawing on the roof. Santa slid down the chimney and stepped out of the fire unharmed. He had his pack flung over his shoulder; he filled all the stockings and placed every present under the tree. Everyone looked on in stunned silence.

“Why are you just getting here?” Santa Claus?” Andrea said.

“I forgot about you and your brother, so I had to come back,” Santa Claus said, with a groan.

“Bleep told me you asked him to fill in for you,” I said. Santa’s belly shook as he laughed.

“I would never ask that idiot to do my job,” he protested. “He probably had the default setting on your toy set to Evil; didn’t he?” Santa asked.

“Yeah,” I said while rubbing the back of my neck.

“MERRY CHRISTMAS Donavan family” Santa said. He rose up the chimney and took off in his sleigh. I started heading up the stairs.

“Where are you going?” Dad asked.

“Back to bed,” I said. “I’m not ready to open presents yet.”

Andrea huffed and puffed when I said that.

“I’ll open my presents without you,” Andrea said.

“You’ve got to wait for your brother,” Mom insisted.

Andrea held her breath and puffed up her cheeks, like a puffer fish. A couple of hours passed and I found Andrea sleeping by the presents. I sat in a chair and waited for her to wake up as she had done for me a couple of hours earlier.