Behold, I Stand at the Door

There it is again, that distinct sound of a knock at the door.

I would probably find that less disconcerting if I knew where the door is. Forget who’s standing on the other side of it. There’s not one anywhere I can see. And I can see a long way in every direction.

Okay, not that far. But at least as far as the next wave. Still, the middle of the ocean without a vessel is not where you expect to hear a knock at the door.

There it is again. Close. Just over the next crest?

What is it? A bird tapping at a bit of debris? It’s worth checking out. Finding something to hold onto or perhaps even climb upon after hours of treading water seems worth a bit of effort. Time to start swimming.

How long does it take to swim over the next crest when said crest keeps moving?

I dog paddle a little while, looking around. Nothing but water, churning & dark beneath increasingly stormy skies. Forge ahead.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Behind me? Did I swim past it? I swing myself around a full 360 degrees, straining to see & hear through the gloom.

Tap, tap.

Right? Left? Forward? Back? From where is it coming?

Tap, tap, tap.

Above me? What the…?

Confusion begins to overtake the exhaustion dragging me down from the very core of my being. Swim. Just swim. I’ll either get closer or further away.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

It’s inside my head, urgent in its beckoning. I swat at nothing above & around me in a futile attempt to drive it away. I gawk around. Nothing but water & grey skies. My head is beginning to pound, my breathing more labored. I plunge forward into the water.

The water feels warm to me, like a re-entering of the womb. I sense it wants to hold me there, never to let me go again.

I break the surface, gasping for breath.

Tap, tap, tap. Seemingly coming from nowhere & everywhere all at once.

Where is it? Treading water in the heavy brine is one thing, swimming through the choppy seas is another. My strength is waning. I need to find that relief-offering, life-sustaining debris soon.

Tap.

Did I hear or simply imagine it? My head was under the water. Sound travels faster under water, but it sounded as though it was right here & I should be bumping into it even now.

Nothing. Though the rain is beginning to fall.

Pit, pat, pat-a-pit, all around me. So much for hearing that knock at the door now.

But there it is again. Tap, tap, tap, clear as a bell. As though rising from the depths of my soul.

The beating of my heart? No, I can feel that laboring heavily within my chest, trying to break free.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, clicking in my sodden eardrums, rattling through my brain.

Swim. Just swim. Find that salvific piece of debris. Open that door & see what lies on the other side.

The rain is falling in sheets now, lightning streaks across the sky, illuminating the waves all around like giant fins on the backs of great white sharks. I grasp for anything to hold onto finding nothing but water both above & below.

Swim. Breathe. Swim more.

Breathe? Where is there any air to fill my aching lungs? Water. Water. All is water.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Beneath me?

With the wind driving the waves & rain on every side, I find myself in the eye of the storm, a moment of serenity & pure calm. I look down into the depths below.

Tap, tap, tap.

I see it opening beneath my feet, beckoning.

I am the one knocking.

I am the door.

All is water & I surrender to it.