Before You Leave

“Do you have everything?”

“I think so.”

“You think or you know?”

“I know. Mostly.”

“Mostly doesn’t help much when you’re already halfway out the door.”

“I can come back if I forget something.”

“Some things are harder to come back for.”

“Like what?”

“Time.”

“You’re already starting.”

“I haven’t even begun.”

“I knew this was coming.”

“That’s because you’re smart.”

“Or because you’ve done this speech before.”

“Not this one. This one’s for you.”

“I’m listening.”

“Good. Because I won’t repeat it.”

“You always repeat yourself.”

“Only the important parts.”

“See?”

“Sit for a minute.”

“I don’t have much time.”

“You have exactly enough.”

“Okay. I’m sitting.”

“Do you remember when you were little and asked why we went to church?”

“I remember asking why it was so long.”

“And I remember your mother squeezing my hand so I wouldn’t laugh.”

“You never answered me.”

“I didn’t know how back then.”

“And now?”

“Now I know better what to say and better what not to.”

“Which is?”

“Faith isn’t about filling time. It’s about giving it.”

“Giving it to who?”

“To God. To others. Away from yourself.”

“I’m not very good at that.”

“Neither am I.”

“That’s comforting.”

“It should be. Perfection was never the goal.”

“Tell that to the saints.”

“They’d agree with me.”

“You sure?”

“Very. They failed loudly.”

“I’ve done some of that.”

“You’ll do more.”

“Great.”

“You’ll also get up again.”

“That part scares me less.”

“It should scare you some.”

“Why?”

“Because fear reminds you you’re not in control.”

“I don’t like that.”

“No one does.”

“So why does God?”

“He doesn’t.”

“Then why let it happen?”

“Because love that controls isn’t love.”

“You always say that.”

“And you always forget it.”

“I guess.”

“Listen carefully.”

“I am.”

“You’re going to mess up.”

“I know.”

“You’re going to hurt people without meaning to.”

“I know that too.”

“You’re going to be tempted to believe you’re alone in it.”

“That’s the worst part.”

“That’s the lie.”

“You make it sound simple.”

“It’s not simple. It’s true.”

“What if I walk away?”

“From what?”

“From all of this.”

“You might.”

“And then?”

“God will still be there.”

“That feels unfair.”

“It’s mercy.”

“I don’t deserve that.”

“Neither did I. Neither did anyone.”

“So why try at all?”

“Because love responds.”

“Even when it’s tired?”

“Especially then.”

“What if I stop praying?”

“You’ll start again.”

“And if I don’t?”

“Then someone else will pray for you.”

“You?”

“Always.”

“Mom too?”

“She already is.”

“I don’t feel holy enough for this conversation.”

“You don’t need to be holy.”

“Then what?”

“Honest.”

“I am honest.”

“Then you’re closer than you think.”

“I don’t always believe.”

“Belief isn’t a switch.”

“What is it then?”

“A decision to trust when feeling fails.”

“That sounds exhausting.”

“It can be.”

“Why does God ask so much?”

“He asks for your heart.”

“That’s everything.”

“Yes.”

“And He gives everything back.”

“When?”

“Not always when you want.”

“That figures.”

“But always when you need.”

“You really believe that.”

“I’ve lived it.”

“Even the hard parts?”

“Especially the hard parts.”

“What about rules?”

“What about them?”

“That’s what people see.”

“They’re guardrails, not chains.”

“I’ve crashed into a few.”

“So have I.”

“Doesn’t that mean we failed?”

“It means we were moving.”

“I like that.”

“Good. Remember it.”

“What if I forget everything you’re saying?”

“You won’t forget how it made you feel.”

“And how is that?”

“Loved.”

“You’re biased.”

“Of course I am. I’m your father.”

“And God?”

“He’s better at it than I am.”

“That’s hard to imagine.”

“It was for me too.”

“Until?”

“Until I realized He loved me even when I didn’t like myself.”

“I struggle with that.”

“So will you your whole life.”

“That’s encouraging.”

“It’s realistic.”

“What should I do when I don’t know what to do?”

“Pray.”

“And if I don’t have words?”

“Sit quietly.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s enough.”

“What if I make the wrong choice?”

“God can work with that.”

“You’re serious?”

“Very.”

“So He’s not waiting for me to be perfect?”

“He’s waiting for you to come home.”

“Even if I never left?”

“Especially then.”

“I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“You will.”

“Wow.”

“And I’ll still love you.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

“And God?”

“Just like that.”

“I wish you’d told me this sooner.”

“You weren’t ready to hear it.”

“And now?”

“Now you are.”

“I’m scared.”

“Good.”

“You keep saying that.”

“Because courage needs something to push against.”

“Will you bless me?”

“You don’t need to ask.”

“I want to.”

“Then may God keep you, guide you, forgive you quickly, and remind you who you are.”

“And who am I?”

“My son.”

“And God’s.”

“I won’t forget that.”

“You might.”

“But I can come back?”

“Always.”