Barns and Heavens

Gretchen stood just outside the crumbling door frame. The faded red paint cracked and peeled away from the wood siding of the ancient building. The windows were busted, littering the overrun grass with shards that threatened to cut anyone who got too close. The sliding door hung awkwardly, the rollers rusted and broken now. She could hear the floorboards straining to hold their own weight. The harsh wind whistled through the multitude of cracks in the walls.

It was old and falling apart. Just like her. Her body was failing her, she lived in pain. The cancer made her sick, but the chemotherapy made her want this life to end. She felt the wind against her exposed scalp and remembered how it used to feel in her beautiful blonde hair. She longed for the smell of grass, and the freedom of riding through the hills.

She held on to the oxygen tank as she slowly walked into the barn. Each step felt like miles, tears ran down her wrinkled cheeks from the effort. She thought of the good times she used to spend in this barn: Meeting her first horse on Christmas morning with a bow around his neck, sleeping in the hey with a newborn calf, her first kiss with the farm hand, telling scary stories in the dark, hiding from her daddy when she got in trouble.

She thought of all the times she came here to cry. When that faithful horse passed away after twenty years. She cried when that farm boy became her husband, just to join the military. When that boy went to heaven. She came here when her baby went to meet his daddy and wait for her to join them. The last time she was here was when the doctor gave her that devastating prognosis.

She hobbled into the only stall in the cramped barn. Ribbons still hung to the walls, moth eaten and covered in dust. The floor was littered in hey and she sank into a soft pile. She looked at the walls, J♥G was carved just below the shattered window. She smiled as she remembered the concentration it took that silly boy to carve those simple letters.

Her breathing slowed and she pulled the mask away from her mouth. She sucked in the dusty air, wanting to taste it one last time. She closed her eyes for a long while, soaking in the freedom this old barn gave her. She laid in the hey and sprawled out on her back, feeling the warm sun shining on her skin.

Her muscles stopped aching and her breathing stopped rattling in her chest. Her legs no longer felt like weights holding her down, and she did not feel nauseous. She sat up without struggling and walked out of the stall. Her long hair blew in the wind and the grass tickled her soft skin. She spun in a circle, breathing deep and moving her body freely for the first time in years.

Tears filled her eyes and she stopped spinning. A lump formed in her throat when she saw a horse trotting towards her. His black coat shimmed in the sunlight, and tail swished with excitement. On the horses towering back sat a young man, her farm boy, cradled in his tan arms was her beautiful baby.

She stood there in shock. Her heart raced as he jumped down and came closer. Putting his rough hand to her cheek, he pulled her in for a kiss. Tears spilled from their eyes, and she felt his smile on her mouth. Looking down at the bundle nestled between them, she locked eyes with her own baby for the first time. She smiled, never expecting to meet this bundle of love. Wrapped in a hug, she could smell the farm boy and the tiny baby filling her head with everything she wanted.

The black horse nuzzled her back and she turned to look at him. As she turned around, she saw the red barn. The windows were whole, and the walls were sound. Flowers grew in abundance around the squat building. She put her hand on the horse's jaw, her other held the farm boy’s hand, and they walked together into the barn.