AUGUST: 04

Jason asked Behati to go out on a first date with him a month after they met.

That should have made me happy, but all that month just made me miserable because during that period I could see them fall in love firsthand.

They had several classes together and had lunch together and studied together in the library — it felt like they spent every minute of their time at school together. And if I had not been so unhappy, I would have found them adorable.

But I was unhappy. And the only thing that made my days tolerable was the knowledge that they did not spend as much time together outside of school.

“You could pretend it. Or at least try it,” Audrey suddenly said one day.

We were at school, lying under a tree waiting for our ride

“What do you mean?” I said innocently.

“You're walking around like someone kicked your cat, and you couldn't do anything about it,” Audrey said, looking at me like what she said made all the sense in the universe.

“Why would someone kick my cat? She is so sweet,” I said, smiling at her.

“You know what I mean.”

“No, I do not,” my smile faded.

Audrey sighed.

“Listen, Summer, I know you’re hurt. I know it. But you need to make a decision,” Audrey sat up and looked into my eyes. “Are you going to tell Jason how you feel about him, or are you going to let it go? You need to decide because you can't stay in the middle of nowhere feeling sorry for yourself.”

I widened my eyes in shock.

I let out a whistle.

“You did not have to be cruel,” I whispered.

“It wasn't cruel, it was the truth, Summer. I’m your friend, and as your friend, it’s my duty to tell you the truth,” she said like she was talking to a wounded animal. “You can't go on like this. It's not healthy, Summie.”

I wanted to disappear. I wanted to shrink and become so small that no one would ever see me again. I wanted to be so small that no one would ever ask me questions and say things that I did not want to hear.

I looked at Audrey and blinked my eyes.

“I do not want to lose him,” I whispered.

“But you also don't want to tell him the truth,” she whispered like me. “I’m sorry, Summer, but you don't have much time because he is falling in love,” she was silent for a while, as if she wanted me to get used to the idea. “Maybe if you tell him how you feel, he'll give you a chance. Maybe he won't give it to you. Anyway, you'll only know if you're honest with Jason. But if you choose to let him go — if you choose to let Jason go — you need to try to be kind to Behati.”

“I do not want to lose him,” I repeated it like a prayer.

“But you're already losing him,” Audrey said. “Because you’re walking away from him.”

I was avoiding him.

I did not want to be in the same place as him. Or alone with him.

I did not want him to ask me questions and worry about me when I was barely containing my own misery.

I did not

“I am losing him.”

***

On a particularly emotionally torturous silent night, I thought a lot about my life and the relationships I had built along the way, and how those relationships have affected my existence. Because life is so finite and at the end of human existence, what will really define the quality of this experience is the way we impact the lives of the people around us.

And in that same night I realized that I did not want to have a bad experience and realized at the end of my life that I had not positively impacted the people around me.

That was a really curious thought because no matter what you do, at some point in your existence, you will negatively impact your own life and the people around you. Because sometimes people do bad things and make bad choices — this is life, and no one can do anything about it.

And because of all these epiphanies I had in the middle of that night when I could not sleep, I remember what Audrey told me. For this reason, I thought about my surreal fear of losing Jason and in my fear of my own emotions. And above all, I thought about my mediocre attempt to avoid my reality. And with these foolish acts I risked my friendship with Jason and with the people around me.

When I really started to think about my actions and emotions, I realized that the main action I had been avoiding for centuries was the decision I needed to make regarding my feelings towards Jason.

I did not want to ruin our friendship and I did not want to say how I felt about him.

But I think that deep in my heart I wished he would choose me. Just choose me. Because even though at that moment I only had pieces of broken glass in my body, I did not want to put him on the wall and make him pick between having a romantic relationship with me or breaking what was once my heart.

Those were the tangles of words that stayed in my head until dawn.

And when the first rays of sunlight broke through the curtain of my darkened room, I realized that I should let him go. Because at the end of the road, all that swirl of emotions inside me was not good for my mental health. That was not good for me. And all these feelings that stayed in my head like a stone wall would only bring me pain and regret.

***

ason and Behati officially started dating two months after they first met.

And one of the hardest things I had to do up until that point was keep the commitment I made to myself that night to let Jason go.

The first months of the process that I called emotional maturation was painful, and the mere joy of the new couple made me want to cry. But that process was necessary. And after a time I started to be happy for the happiness of my best friend.

But besides accepting that who you liked did not like you, what was really hard was getting close to Behati.

She was a really kind and sweet girl, but every time I was alone with her, I felt extremely uncomfortable. For this reason, whenever I had a conversation with her, I did my best to have a third person interacting with us. That behavior was horrible, and she did not deserve those embarrassing moments, and much less deserved the deafening silences that were our attempts to approach each other. She was a nice person that just fell in love with a boy whose best friend was also in love with him.