At The Balcony

It was an early Sunday morning after breakfast. The boy had eaten a small piece of cake and sipped his milk. He wasn’t that hungry.

Now he was standing at the balcony of his mum’s flat, looking at the view before him. The autumn sky was still a darker shade of blue. He sighed, suddenly remembering when he was five. He had been more curious and careless. He’d been trying to climb over the balcony railings, when a pair of strong arms caught him and lifted him off from behind.

“Not so fast, boy,” his dad had called out with a laugh, carrying him back into the living room. When his dad finally sat him down on the sofa, the two looked at each other silently for a while. Despite the smile, the boy remembered that his dad had looked so scared.

“Hey, let’s not do that again, okay?” the brown-haired man asked him to agree. “That was dangerous.”

“Why?” the boy wanted to know. His dad shook his head, as his grip slightly tightened on the boy’s tiny shoulder.

“Just do as I say. Don’t go to the balcony alone Don’t even climb on the railings. You could get hurt.”

“How?” The boy grew more curious, but his dad sighed. Then the brown-haired man gazed at him seriously.

“You could fall there,” his dad finally told him. “Your mum and I don’t ever want that to happen to you. Okay?”

The boy remembered that he’d finally nodded. He didn’t remember anything else his dad had said to him that day. He just remembered the hug, as if the man had been so scared that he would’ve fallen - had he ever let go …

-***-

Since then, the boy was not allowed to go to any balcony on his own. He didn’t mind, though. His dad and mum had always tried to make time for him whenever they were around. Well, it was mostly mum, but the boy had learned to accept that. He knew Mum and Dad were still showing up for him, no matter what. It didn’t matter that they were not staying together anymore.

The boy remembered how his dad had sometimes called him while he was on tour with his band. He knew his dad’s friends, four men he referred to as “uncles”. His dad had always told the boy many things, like how talented he was and how he could also sing like his dad and mum. His dad had also taught him how to dance and play the piano. Smiling at him, the boy had declared proudly:

“When I grow up, I want to be just like you.”

To his dismay, his dad’s smile faded and he said, “I hope not.”

“Because I want you to be yourself. I’d rather see you become better than me.”

-***-

Then came that night. The boy saw his mum’s face turning pale as she listened on the phone. Her eyes were also turning red before she started to cry.

“Mummy, what’s wrong?” he asked fearfully when she finally hung up. Kneeling to hold him close, she blurted out the scariest words he’d ever heard: “Your dad’s gone.”

“Where has he gone? And why are you crying, mummy?” the boy asked, gazing back at her tear-stained face suspiciously. She couldn’t seem to say more, and somehow - that began to scare him. He realized what that meant. He let go of her arms and took a step back, shaking his head.

“No … “

“Baby … “

“No, that’s not true!” the boy screamed angrily. He took more steps back as his mum tried to reach for him. “Dad’s not dead. You’re lying!”

“I wish I were, love, but-”

“NO!!” He started clamping his hands against his ears, refusing to listen. Against his will, his tears started too and he felt that he couldn’t breathe. “He’s not dead! He promised to be back here to teach me another song … “

-***-

The boy still couldn’t believe it. He didn’t want to.

“Honey?”

He had no choice, as he turned around to face his mum. She was all dressed in black, standing in the living room. They were gazing at each other in silence. The boy couldn’t help himself when he said, “Mum?”

“Yes?”

“Why did Dad fall off the balcony that night?” he asked. “Dad had always told me to be careful. I thought he was.”

His mum sighed, but she didn’t look cross. She just smiled faintly.

“I don’t know, baby,” she said. “I wasn’t there. You know, accidents sometimes happen.”

“Do you think … Dad felt any pain … when he fell?”

“I can only hope not - and never again.”

“Me too.” The boy finally took his mum’s hand. Together, they were going to the church that day, where his dad’s memorial service was to be held.

-the end-