Manual for your New Human Child

Congratulations. Today, you have come into possession of your very own human child. Please read the manual carefully to ensure you do not damage your product and void your warranty.

Product Identification Info

Product Name: Melissa (Millie) Eve

Model: First Child - Beta Edition

Product Series: J2026

Product Specifications and Description

Product dimensions: 9lbs, 4oz; 22 inches long

Product features and functions: Current features include basic communication tools, intaking fuel and excreting biodegradable byproducts; Upgrades available

Product materials: 23 chromosomes received from CreatorM; 23 received from CreatorF

Production info: Production began March 2025 and completed in January 2026

Glossary of Terms:

Binky Interface: If you purchased the expansion pack, your product includes a soothing attachment to reduce the alert volume. Effectiveness varies.

Co-sleeping: A complicated test of sanity as you attempt to both receive an appropriate amount of sleep (suggested 7 to 9 hours for breastfeeding parents) and prevent your potato sack infant from being inadvertently suffocated beneath your unwieldy folds of skin

Post-partum: A foggy delirium mashup of sleep deprivation, depression, mind-numbing anxiety, and an inexplicable desire to toss the swaddled crier out the second-story nursery window

C-section: For a variety of reasons, obviously including personal failure, a doctor will take a giant serrated knife, gleaming from the blood of a thousand previous victims, and hack open the storage container for your product. The aforementioned victims are then sent home to care for the freshly freed gremlin.

Cradle-Cap: A completely normal medical issue, but one that will make you question if your child is part crocodile based on the scaly remnants of scalp peeling from the product’s head.

Usage Instructions: Quick-Start Guide

Step 1 → Power on. This product comes with an automatic start upon delivery. No power button is included.

Step 2 → Fuel. This model requires regular charging via fueling and sleep mode. Product will alert when fueling is necessary. Eyelids will be closed when in sleep mode.

Step 3 → Handling. Product is fragile and necessitates usage of both hands to secure the top and bottom. As this model is upgraded, fragility will decline.

Step 4 → Transportation Mode. To transport this product, be aware that you need to purchase the specially designed containment device. The product must be secured via straps before the transport vehicle is in motion. Expect resistance.

FAQ

Is fluid leaking normal?

Leakage is normal, but it should be cleaned regularly to prevent any corrosion

Should this model need to be fueled every twenty minutes over the course of two hours?

These scenarios, known as cluster feedings, are extremely normal. Do not be alarmed. Fuel as usual, and the set routine or schedule will return to normal shortly.

Is it safe to jump on a trampoline after purchase?

Utmost caution is recommended for any extreme physical action for those who recently personally carried and purchased this product. You may be more likely to lose control over your bladder.

Why is it crying?

Click here for a flowchart, but be warned that all paths end in “inconclusive.”

When will people stop offering me advice?

It is a common issue that those who see this product will have an insatiable desire to offer unsolicited advice. There is no known cure, but our legal team suggests that you simply walk away rather than ramming them with any sort of powered vehicle (including, but not limited to, an SUV, a mini-van, or a jogging stroller)

How do I identify when the product is having an error?

Common error codes include: OVERTIRED/NOT TIRED ENOUGH; GASSY/NOT ENOUGH GAS; OVERSTIMULATED/NOT STIMULATED ENOUGH; HUNGRY/TOO FULL. Unfortunately, without a specially designed mental insert, you will be unable to identify the error code correctly. We suggest guessing and checking.

What’s that smell?

Without additional information, it is difficult to isolate the cause, but there are two probable answers: you have forgotten to take a shower for three days due to being deliriously tired and overworked, or your new human child has deposited a tar-like fecal product into their diaper.

Safety Precautions:

Low-power sleep mode: This model is equipped with a low-power sleep mode that enables the product to quickly become available for both snuggles and squalls of unhappiness

Waste disposal system signal: When the product needs to be emptied and cleaned, a convenient ear-splitting alarm will sound until the issue has been resolved

Face recognition software: A first-generation face recognition software enables this product to identify the owners’ facial features at a convenient two-inch distance.

Policies and Terms of Use

Acceptance of Product: Once the owner has taken possession of the child, the return policy is null and void. There is no trial period, and you may not return it for a different model, color, or size.

Intended Use: This product is designed to be monitored continuously. Independent use is not recommended or supported.

Sleep Deprivation Clause: This product is known to impede the caregiver’s sanity and sleep schedule. The manufacturer is not responsible for the loss of either.

Termination of Use: Support for and facilitation of this model must occur for a term no shorter than 18 years. After this time, the caregiver may be entitled to a reduced amount of financial responsibility and time requirements.

We hope you are happy with your purchase and consider ordering another human child in the future. Check for ongoing deals on twins and triplets.