Aplomb

To dance, is to express, to express is to be free, and to be free is to be aplomb. "Aplomb," is a word our instructor, Mademoiselle Francois D'tou drilled into our heads with every stretch, spin and bow we rehearsed in the studio. Back in my former years, I had been one of eight dancers a part of a travelling ballet group; formally it is known as a "troupe." Mademoiselle Francois D'tou, who we called "madame Francois," was an older- aged woman from France with a reputation that preceded her, as she was known and praised for being able to make ballerinas out of the most challenged and fruitless dancers whom other instructors would simply discard. She had come to the U.S., New York City to be precise, looking to recruit young girls from dance universities that she found to be the worst.

She once explained to us that her purpose in doing so, was to develop girls who possessed a natural modesty, as their imperfections were an attribute opposite of those who were perfectionists, and "snobby," as she once put it. I can still remember her saying in her thick French accent, "... there is a difference between being aplomb and a snob. I've trained many snobby girls, now I want the meek, the flimsy armed and non- believers! I will make you 'zee best, but with modesty! You are unique, not imperfect. So come on girls, show me confidence, and remember 'zees word, APLOMB! APLOMB girls, APLOMB! You will stay very hungry for this performance. And you must think to yourself, a slice of chocolate cake is APLOMB. Every time you think of 'aplomb' think chocolate cake! Yes, oui, oui, lets go girls!" She'd make a "tsss tss" sound and smack the railing with her little wand. "You will come to love aplomb.." At the time, I don't think that any of us knew what that word meant, but we listened obediently and prayed for plumbs.

Now, being that we were the worst of the worst, there were many times where one or two of us would miss a step on stage or fall during rehearsals. When we had the opportunity to perform, we received less than "modest" applauds. Other troupes would shame us and call us an embarrassment; and perhaps we had felt the same way about ourselves inwardly, however, we persisted with a new pride instilled by madame Francois, even if we were outcasts. And at the end of each performance, Madame Francois would point out our flaws and enlighten us with a solution. We weren't aware of it then, but she was slowly perfecting our abilities, and our refined talents would soon precede our reputation. We were once known as the worst dancers around, but that would soon change when we were assigned a ballet that Madame Francois had orchestrated from scratch herself. It was called The Chocolate Cake Waltz. We called it The Waltz for short.

The waltz ballet was supposed to be a small parody that embodied one of the biggest and most sinful temptations met by the typical ballet dancer, one's diet. As it is quite apparent that a lean physical fitness must be maintained by each dancer, a strict diet is usually one of our top priorities. In the ballet, however, we would all be dressed in little brown tutus, wearing little cake hats and devil tails. The dance would be a dramatized resemblance of the tempting thoughts a snobby perfectionist dancer has for chocolate cake. She soon gives into her desire to gobble an entire cake down, and when she gets to the very last slice, she realizes that she is too fat to fit into her ballet dress, confesses her sins to the critical eye of society and trades her pleasure for vanity. Only to find herself surrounded by everyone else eating and enjoying chocolate cake (symbolizing the nature of society to indulge in what it condemns) and it drives her mad in the end. The moral being that integrity, even in imperfection, is more virtuous than vanity. To portray it, the ballet was composed of a very unorthodox routine where we would be clumsily twirling around, almost mocking the elegance of what ballet is supposed to express. I found the theme to be the most ironic, as it seemed to parallel our troupe's status in reality. When our troupe was first formed, and we were able to converse among ourselves discussing the very particular reason we were placed aside into a separate, more "acute" group, we had began mocking the idea of perfection and embraced our awkwardness.

For weeks we rehearsed the "waltz," and Madame Francois had put us on a strict diet of poached eggs, rye bread and plain poultry. We were weighed each morning to confirm that we didn't give in to temptations when we went home. At one point, things had gotten so difficult under the pains of hunger, that many of the girls had even grown resentful towards the name of the ballet for containing the word "cake." We were starving. And, on top of what "grief" we felt about the notion of chocolate cake dancing around in the peripherals of the whole situation, Madame Francois remained particularly hard on us during rehearsals. Aside from shouting "chocolate cake" and "aplomb! No plumbs!... ," we were forbidden to have lunch at noon as we usually did, and not eat our final meal until three o'clock in the afternoon!

We persevered for weeks. During rehearsals, she made us all say "aplomb" in uniformity after each step, and it became like a ritual. We were so hungry in our obedience, that some of us secretly joked and whispered "a plumb" instead "aplomb." And by our very last rehearsal before the waltz performance, we were a troupe drooling for the slices of chocolate cake we wore on our heads. I must say, the exercise did serve its purpose, for, we hadn't realized that we had perfected its very meaning. Madame Francois did seem to have a graceful way of making us feel dignified, and with her firm nurturing and support, we then had acquired the integrity to prove it.

When the big night came to perform the dramatization of imperfection perfectly, we found ourselves hungrier than wolves, but determined. It then sprang into our awareness that we had accomplished becoming "the aplomb!" To dance freely in our imperfect way of expression, was the most enlightening experience that was a turning point for our troupe. Although I assume that the chosen theme was her way of making sure there was no way for us to fail, the idea felt good. And when we had finally performed The Chocolate Cake Waltz, the applaud was ecstatic and we received quite a few standing ovations. Afterwards, there was a celebration where we all got to indulge in a few french treats along with the rest of the dancers from our company.

Madame Francois had given a little speech before everyone began picking at the little deserts and hors d'oeuvres. Many of the other dancers stayed away from the table with the chocolate cake and gathered near the table with the fruits. Coincidentally, there was a silver plate stacked with fresh plumbs. I must have seen about four or five of the other girls eating them. When madame Francois had finished her little speech, she picked up a little plate with a tiny piece of chocolate cake on it and raised it in a toast to us and said, "and now girls, APLOMB!" Each of us from our troupe grabbed for the chocolate cake, tore off slices with our hands and gobbled the cake down in our little chocolate cake hats and chocolate brown tutus. The other dancers watched us in astonishment. We had finally become "aplomb" dancers. Madame Francois had rewarded us with a sweet and devilish little desert. And although the other girls meant to frown upon us as they usually did, their faces were stuck in awe. Perhaps, it was now they that were a bit envious; for, we had chocolate cake and they had plumbs