Anyone Can Become the President of the United States

Preface – Recently, I saw an international news broadcast where a collection of grade school-aged kids were asked the question, “What steps would you have to take to become the President of the United States?” Based on the results of past Presidential elections in America and the endless barrage of chaos so witlessly (or perhaps purposefully) produced by the winners of those elections, it is safe to say that, “In the United States of America, it is possible for absolutely anyone to become the President!” Deploying the formula that certain leaders of that country appear to have used, I have put together a totally fictional instruction manual suitable for use by anyone who aspires to be the next (or any future) President. What I mean to say is, “If this guy or that guy was actually elected, then maybe these measures and practices, characteristics and behaviors really could work for anyone!!” Please realize also that this, being a fictional piece, any and all statements made and which appear to be references to actual people are purely coincidental. No such references are intended.

Warning – the protocols, procedures and practical methods described and outlined in the following instruction manual should only be conducted under the strict supervision and guidance of a responsible adult. Although becoming the actual President apparently does not require that a person act like an adult him/her-self, an adult should be present to establish whether the instructions have been adhered to in a proper fashion. Failure to comply to this advisement may result in the wrong person becoming president and/or hazardous danger to the American people and, in fact, the entire planet. It is also worthwhile noting that although these instructions may not guarantee election to the post of American president, they have worked in the past, and indeed, have resulted in a few of the most improbable and unlikely candidates to assume power.

Early Stages and Grooming

Step 1 – Insistence on one’s biological mother giving birth to a potential president somewhere within the legal boundaries of the United States of America or within some aspect of America that is not within the said legal boundaries, is a must. For example, if a mother gives birth while on board an American military plane in flight over, say Mexico, Somalia or India, then the child would be eligible to proceed to the next step. If however, that plane were to land in any of these three nations, so that the mother could be rushed to a hospital to deliver that baby, then likely there would be some problems in convincing those already in power of the baby’s eligibility.

Step 1(a) – Successful candidates need to be spoiled and pampered as infants.

Step 1(b) – When possible, probable choices for president should be bullies.

Step 2 – Initial introduction to normal social norms and mores need not take place for several to many decades after birth.

Step 3 – An understanding of basic every-day and fundamental knowledge is entirely optional. In fact, candidates might well be encouraged to fabricate information whenever necessary to avoid expending unnecessary time and energy in valid research endeavors.

Step 4 – As worthy presidential hopefuls become older they need to surround themselves with friends and significant others who lack the respect for basic human rights. Their acquaintances need to see women, blacks, Hispanics, Asians and other non-white, male, American-born citizens as second class or worse.

Grooming Continued

Step 5 – When those who aspire to become president reach puberty, it is important to allow sexual irresponsibility. It is also rather necessary to grant these individuals freedom with money, especially the money of their parents and others. It is crucial not to develop a sense of work ethic or a responsible attitude toward the factors that affect personal or world economy.

Step 6 – Delay the responsibilities of adulthood as long as possible.

Step 7 – Treat all women as the sexual objects that a serious candidate really imagines them to be.

Step 8 – Use social media platforms as the main and perhaps the only method of legitimate communication with others. Show personal integrity and courage by twittering away instagramily on Facebook.

Step 9 – Adopt important life philosophies such as, “Crime is only crime if you get caught!” and, “If I were king of the world, I could . . .”

Throwing a Hat into the Ring

Step 10 – Choose a political party to operate within – preferably a party that has no great and wonderful leaders to compete against and one which is packed full of people who have been stripped of all sense of how the world really works.

Step 11 – Further surround yourself with rich people.

Step 12 – Sell Nationalism like there is no tomorrow.

Step 13 – Promise to MAKE AMERICA (something, anything) AGAIN!!! or some idea along those lines. You know, something to help rally the non-thinking public into fits of riot and rage.

Step 14 – Make yourself really well-known (like a cartoon character or a brand) to people who have never exercised their right to vote before and see if they fall for it.

Step 15 – Adopt a further critical life philosophy such as, “The new majority of American voters are stupid – they can be talked into anything – even into a guy like me!”

On Election Day

Step 16 – If one has played all the cards correctly and refused to do any homework, there should be nothing left to do but sit back, with feet up, and wait for the results to come in.

Step 17 – If the election is won, then some inane victory speech can be given to accept the win while berating the efforts of the opponent.

Step 18 – On winning the presidency, election campaign promises need be reiterated in an altered fashion. However, shortcomings of the opposing candidates need also be restated as broadcast previously.

Step 19 – Make all non-supporting members of institutions, governments and government-related services aware that, coming Monday, they will be free to seek other employment.

Step 20 – If the election is lost, make a list of all potential states where there was likely (in the candidate’s mind anyway) vote-tampering and fixing of results. Remember it is best to identify states where the results are nearly tied. One state with a clear victory and one with a clear loss should also be added to the list so as not to appear like a “sour grapes” kind of guy.

Final Touches

Remember that running as a candidate in an American presidential election is a demanding and full-time exercise. It is important to stay focused, happy and healthy. With that in mind, eating properly is essential – foods like salads should be replaced by burgers, fries, caviar and other high-protein meals. Avoiding illnesses like influenza and Covid, by rinsing orally on a daily basis with Lysol or other household disinfectants, is a must. Getting enough rest and exercise – like golfing daily in different domestic and international locations to dispel the evils of boredom – should be high on the list of campaign priorities. Following these twenty simple steps listed above along with the additional guidelines and suggestions should put ANY candidate in great position to become the next U.S. president.

This document is also available on demand in foreign languages such as English (Canadian), Spanish (Mexican), Hindi (Indian) and Danish (Greenland), in the event that there still may American citizens courageous enough to use these dialects in public and who also wish to exercise their right to run for the presidency of the country.