Act VI, Scene IV: "Somethynge Three-Way This Way Comes"

Rosencrantz and his faire frynde, Guildernstern,

Did witness Ophelia's, by Hamlet, spurn;

For counsel she sought warm comfort the same

From Queen Gertrude, a melancholy dame

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Ro' and Guil' soon grew bored of their mission

To spy on Hamlet, under suspicion;

And distracted from distracting Hamlet

Sought a threesome with a willing harlot.

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King Claudius summoned them to his throne

And inquired as to Ham's madness shown

Said, they did, to their king, "We don't know shit;

As you like it--or not--t'is gist of it."

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The king said, "Forsooth, I know what you seek--

A triply trysty threesome, so to speak,

I'm the go-to guy whose love life is bleak

I'm bored keeping my randy tongue-in-cheek."

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"With which, of us, does your highness so choose,

To substitute in the threesome papoose?"

"Oh, fie!" he swore, "that is not what I want;

I order from you a new covenant."

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Rosencrantz and his faire frynde, Guildernstern,

Wondered for what new deal the king now yearned.

"A foursome?" asked Rosencrantz merrily;

"Fivesome? More?" Guildernstern spake nastily.

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"Whoa!" shouted Claudius, "be you jesters?

Methinks you extrapolate my gestures.

Three still's all I need juggle on Wednesday,

Woden ordained that--my day--to be gay."

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"Be gay or not to be?" asked Gildernstern.

"If that's the question," Claudius returned,

"Woden's Day is the answer--to be or not--

'Less you desire your loo boiling hot.

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Rosencrantz viewed Gildernstern severely

And didn't want to acquiesce queerly.

"My lord," said he, "I feel you wax gaily,

We shan't do it then or any daily."

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"That be fine," King Claudius conceded.

And anon, decreed something else needed:

"Have your threeway but use my wife, Gerty,

"And I'll just watch and, whilst, do the dirty."

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Gertrude, Ophelia's room uninvited,

Grasped, hand-in-hand, to get her excited

That is when Ophelia kissed Gertrude

Hard on the mouth, together, forthwith nude.

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Thus thrice-love adulterate--shortsighted,

T'was vice, triumvirate, unrequited.

So Wednesday, for Claudius, was a bust;

His other throne, in Celsius, unflushed.

...