Acceptance

The night friendly touch creased her body. It knew where she wanted it and it smoothed her, sending shivers down her spine. Tonight, was not about pain or grief. There was enough of that already. Tonight, was about acceptance. Although difficult, she found the spot she needed. The sun's rays of orange and red lite the pathway with the darkening shadow of the night to come. The waves rolled in ever so lightly by the gentle push of the wind. The sand still warm from the sun's unforgiving heat of the day. She wondered until she came to the sand dome that called to her. She sat and allowed the warm sand to warm her against the night's cool breeze.

The thoughts of the past few weeks ran through her mind. This is not the life she wanted and planned. It was supposed to be filled with love, laughter and happiness yet here is trying to piece together where it went wrong. She stared at the ocean, so big and deep. The wounds she felt were as deep of the ocean. She tried to cry yet the tears failed to fall from her eyes. The dark thoughts of walking into ocean until she disappeared danced in her head. What a silly thought she said to herself out loud. But the truth was the thought has crossed her mind her mind several times before, in different scenarios of course. While driving down the interstate and allowing the car to go on its own or the simple downing of pills to end the pains of the world.

It was at that moment she realized that although the temporary pain she felt was beyond a thousand knives stabbing her, her life meant something. She could be selfish and leave this world, believing she had made the world a better place without her but deep down inside she knew that was not the truth. The truth was she was hurt, and it was not the physical pain that caused the most hurt. It was the mental pains that stay pass their welcome. Her family would be in a worse place if she were to let herself go. Her friends, who she felt a burden to, would feel the pain of her lost. She thought about her younger sister, the one she had looked after all of these years. The sister she wiped tears from after her first heartbreak, the sister she scolded but yet could not but be happy that she is enjoying life, would be left without her.

The mental anguish started a couple of weeks ago when her boyfriend of three years broke up with her. According to him, she had let herself go and he found someone better. Her whole life revolved around him and because she was supposed to be a good girl and stay home, she had never worked. He had given her an allowance and collage weren’t for her. She failed out of her classes. Her father sentenced to five years for a robbery and calling every day asking for money. This was not his first time in prison, he had been in and out of prison since she was little. Her mother always allowed him to come back home and it was a cycle that she could not get away from. She felt she was just living not to die. Suicide would be an option, yet she would leave her loved ones behind and to fend for themselves.

She had always felt that she didn’t belong to this world, and she was right. Life is not the circumstances that you are born into. Life is what you do to get you out of the unfavorable circumstances and maintain the good circumstances. “I accept that I cannot change what has happen however I can and will change what will happen. I am the designer of my life, and I chose to live for me. I chose to live for my wants and needs. I chose to end relationships that do not serve me. I chose to build upon those relationships that do. I am in control of my life and all pain is temporary. I no longer give control to thoughts that say I am not good enough or worthy of all the greatest in the world. I am more than good enough, and I accept that I have to be the one to take charge of my life!” she yelled out to the world. The weight on her shoulders lifted some and a cool yet peaceful feeling settled into her heart as the sun said good night and the moonlight washed over her. The world has yet to see her true self, yet she knew it would be welcomed with open arms.

Moral of the story:

Sometimes we have to accept things in life that we are either afraid to or feel it is not our place. We need to accept bad things happen to good people without explanation. When bad things happen, it does not take away from our goodness even if we do something bad in return. We are not all good and not all bad. Our life is a balance between good and bad. We just need to know that even if we slip off the balance board, we can always get back on.