A Tradition

It was cold when I awoke in the late morning. I could smell breakfast, but even as my stomach growled, I snuggled deeper into the cozy blankets and sighed contently. But, then I remembered another fact: Adrien and his family were right next door! My pulse increased excitedly and I knew that going back to sleep wasn’t an option. So, I quickly threw on some clothes, put up my hair, and headed toward the bathroom.

As I shut out its lights, I heard many voices downstairs, some of which were not of my family. Crouching at the top of the stairs, I listened. Dad, Mom, Nelly, John, … Josiah,… I think possibly Tim, and Ian. I looked back and saw that Finneas’ door was still closed. I checked my watch: 10:49. He’ll be up soon. The bacon will surely call him down. As if on cue, a very sleepy Finneas opened the door and smiled up at him. “Good morning!”

“Mm.” He grunted and headed towards the bathroom. I decided to wait for him, but then heard Penny’s barking as the front door opened and I heard the sounds of two more people coming in. Another lighter and deeper voice were added to the noise: Kaitlyn… and Adrien. Of course, my heart rate spiked and my stomach flipped.

Finneas emerged and looked down at me funny. “What are you doing?”

“Listening.”

“Mm. Who’s here?”

“Everyone, except us.” He perked up a little.

“Is that bacon?”

“Better head down before it’s gone.” We both headed down the stairs to reach the large living room and kitchen area, where everyone was helping with breakfast. I was happy when I saw white outside. When I wasn’t terrified to drive in it, my inner child was sure to appear.

I immediately rushed to the window and pressed my hands and face against the glass. I felt a presence next to me and was glad to see my dad. “Snow, Mars!”

“Ack!” When words couldn’t describe how I felt, sounds did. This was a normal occurrence with me and I’d been doing it since I was a kid. “What’s the plan for today?”

“Brunch, a walk and a few snowball fights,” He winked and I laughed. “Then games, and ending with dinner.”

“Solid. A perfect day.”

“Yup!” My dad grinned and then I heard clacks of fluffy feet making their way over to us.

“Hi, Penny!” I sat on the floor as the Foofy Shnoof came to greet me and demand attention. I laughed as I got the familiar foot put on me. “Babe, I am petting you!” Penny shnoofed and then left to go find Mom, probably looking for handouts of bacon. Dad left my side to stoke the fire that warmed the massive cabin.

From the floor, I observed everyone while writing in one of my notebooks that had been left on the coffee table. Finneas and Josiah were helping Mom with eggs, Ian was talking to John and Tim, making them laugh, and Nelly was being helped by Kaitlyn, while Penny was enjoying attention from Adrien. I made notes of the last one.

I didn’t want my daydreams to get out of hand because life wasn’t all fantasy. Two had to make effort, which meant that conversation was the best starting point.

Adrien looked up suddenly and caught my eye. I smiled and stood up to go sit by him. He was also on the floor, leaning against the couch, Penny sighing contently atop his leg. “She likes you.”

“I like her.”

“That’s a good thing. How’d you sleep?”

“Good, though Tim did jump on me this morning just like he used to do when we were kids.”

“Oh? The older jumping on the younger? That’s something I’ve never heard.” I watched as he petted Penny and peered out the window. “What’s your opinion of outside?”

“What, the snow?”

“Yeah. You a winter or summer guy?”

“Definitely summer. But, I appreciate the snow. You?” I sighed happily and my eyes flickered to the window as well.

“I love the fall. But, the snow I’ve always loved since I was a kid. I’m glad to be here, away from work, to actually enjoy it.”

“Hey, Lovebirds! Brunch!”

“DAD!” We both yelled at the same time, then looked at each other and laughed. As we stood up, Penny got excited and followed us to the massive table.

A large mass of Gluten-Free pancakes was stacked in the center, along with fruit, bacon, eggs, and sausage. Assortments of syrup and butter were scattered around along with jam and peanut butter. It was a feast, enough to feed eight adults: my parents and I, Adrien and his, Tim, Josiah (who’d turned 18 in the summer), and three teenagers: Kaitlyn, Finneas, and Ian. Although, having there be seven males and four females, let’s just add twice as many stomachs. I used to eat a lot, but now, my diet has reached a low-standard, comfortable balance. It, in the past, had plummeted to an unhealthy minimum, as by my 20th birthday, I’d lost 5 pounds, since the month of October, due to stress and mental health. It had been yesterday that we’d celebrated my 21st birthday, and throughout the year, I’d gotten a hold of my declining weight and now I was at a healthy 158 pounds. I had surrounded myself with my favorite people who supported and encouraged me, the very people who sat at the table along with me.

Adrien and I were good friends by this point. On my 20th, there had been a Youth Group Christmas party and I’d made it my goal to talk to him about his life at the time. During the spring, as he’d said he was taking a Creative Writing class (assuming for Gen Eds), he reached out to me and we continued to connect. It was his dad, John, my favorite human on the whole planet, who’d invited our family on a wintry Christmas cabin trip. The cabins were very luxurious and it was truly a wonderful gift. He’d also wanted to celebrate my birthday again because he’d been there at my 20th to initiate the singing. He claimed it was “now a tradition!”

I’d had feelings for Adrien since I was 12, but now that we were friends, the childish infatuation had turned into an adult crush, someone I could see my life with. I was no longer a kid - I’m 21 now! I’d grown into a “wonderfully mature young woman” as my dad told me, and I actually felt that. It wasn’t a teenager inside my brain, it was an adult! But when it did snow, like the wonderfulness outside, my four-year-old self was back and I was happy to see her.

“Eggs?” I awoke from the thoughts to Adrien passing me a large, half-empty bowl.

“Yes.” I took it. “Thank you.”

“What were you thinking about?” I put a few scoops before passing it to Kaitlyn, who was seated next to me.

“How’d you know I was thinking?” I took the bowl of fruit from him and added apple slices to my plate.

“You get really quiet and stare at a random spot, and your gaze goes unfocused.”

“Very observant of you, A. I was thinking about my last birthday and how much I’ve grown as a person.”

~*~

In the middle of brunch, I got a phone call from my editor. “Excuse me, I have to take this.” I got up and went toward the back of the house where the best service was. “Hello?”

“Marley! You won’t believe what’s happened!” Samantha I’d researched and found when I wanted to publish my first book. We became fast friends when we met during the summer. I’d been waiting for an update for about two weeks now.

“What?” Excitement built inside me.

“We just published 25,000 copies of your YA novel!”

“What?! You’re kidding!”

“I’m not!” She squealed. “The book was a hit! As soon as the holidays are over, Arthur wants to sign a contract with you!” James Arthur was CEO of a publishing company I really admired. “He’s having everything paid for! We’re going to Chicago, baby!”

“Oh my gosh, Sam! This is insane! I’m so glad to be doing this with you, girl! This means so much to me!” Tears ticked at the corners of my eyes. Silently, I praised God for my success.

“Love you tons, Miss. Author! Okay, I’ll send you the plans and everything, because I know you, girl! Let me know when you’re back, so we can chat! Have a merry Christmas!”

“Love you back, Sam! Happy Holidays! I’ll see you soon!” We both blew a kiss as our “signature-handshake” goodbye and I ended the call. I quickly texted my best friends the news. My phone began blowing up. Everyone was ecstatic and I thanked them before returning to the table.

Dad and everyone else looked at me expectantly, growing smiles on their faces. “Well?!” Ian asked. I did a happy dance and let out,

“EEEEE! There were 25,000 copies of my book published!! James Arthur himself wants to sign a contract with me after the holidays!” The celebratory chaos echoed through the house and my family came to hug me. Penny barked at us, and jumped up to join in. I laughed back happy tears. “Check to my 2023 resolutions!” Adrien came over and wrapped me in a hug, spinning me around.

“I’m so proud of you!” I hiccup-laughed as more tears spilled out.

“Praise God.”

~*~

After we’d put away brunch, next on the list was a much-needed walk. All of us dispersed to pull on our wintry gear and meet back up outside to begin the snowy expedition. Penny was very excited and made me laugh as she sprinted through the snow and barked, a wide smile on her fluffy face. My brothers and Tim began throwing snowballs at each other.

A and I were walking side by side when the brown-eyed blonde got a face full of snow. Finneas, from further up the hill, grinned deviously. I giggled, wiping the snow from his face. “Are you okay?”

“I’m about to be.” I noticed him watching the boys strategically while his reddening hands formed ammo.

“I’ll be your cover. Stock pile, soldier. We’re going in.” A wicked smile cut through his cheeks, that familiar, boyish glint sparking in his gaze. I put my arms up to shield us as I proceeded to march uphill. Almost immediately, we started getting pelted with snowballs. Adrien’s hands were searing through my jacket as they pressed into the small of my back.

You’d think we’d been friends for longer based on our relationship and how fun-loving our banter is, but we’ve only been friends about a year now. Unfortunately, our closeness egged on my growing love for him. It felt almost fated when we’d finally connected and our relationship grew. I’d this selfish wish on Christmas Eve of last year that he’d be mine forever. The closer we eventually got, the deeper I realized I was trekking down an untraceable path that could either end in devastating heartbreak or mutual romance. I still had no idea on his true feelings. Whenever I thought I saw tell-tale signs, I’d slap them in the face and shove them down, locking them away. Truth was, although I’d such amazing people that I loved and deeply trusted, I was starting to feel lonely without him. All of my heart wanted to confess this New Year’s, by my brain held me back. We’d only connected for a year. One year. Even that didn’t seem like enough time before even thinking about changing our relationship. His dad, John, knew everything. I trusted him with every fiber of my being, and I couldn’t bear not having him ripped away in a single matter of rejection - limiting my relationship with his second son, even more than it was over a year ago. What Adrien and I had was precious, and although all of my heart cried to change us, my stern, protective side of me denied it every time.

We’d reached the top of the hill. Even as I felt Adrien’s giggle behind me as he pelted my brothers with snowy ammo again, I felt hollow, the exhilaration of his touch gone cold, like the wind that pulled at the skin on my face. Adrien was so immersed in wrestling my brothers into the snow that only Tim heard me when I called to say I was going for a woodsy walk.

In the woods, the weight upon me cracked and I walked swiftly, tears nearly freezing down my face as I cried out to God with sorrow in my heart. He’d been a constant comfort these past few years. I’d truly heard Him speak when I was fretting about my friend Jake’s decision when I’d asked him out. I heard “Trust me”, and undeniably trusted Him since that day. He’d always been one step ahead, and trusting Him with my relationships was something I was entirely grateful for. I never blamed Him for hardship. Humanity was to blame. Everything happened for a reason, nothing was a coincidence. Luck didn’t exist. There were only blessings.

I reached an outlook of the scenery that our mountains were gifted with. Thick layers of snow decorated slate rocks that had a sheer drop that was railed off. I brushed off a bench facing the beautifully-open landscape and released the rest of my tears. But, looking at God’s gorgeous creation, I was suddenly at peace. My thoughts died away and all I could think of was to imprint the view to memory. His art was my favorite part; taking away the humanity and just falling in love with the raw land was all I ever truly adored.

I wiped away my tears so they wouldn’t freeze on me and inhaled the sharp, bitter cold of the crystallized wilderness. Although it burned my lungs, it opened up my sinuses. As I took more deep breaths, I almost felt a Godly presence beside me. I turned to my right but of course there was no one there. But, I could feel Him, smiling at what he’d created. “I can feel you, Lord. I can see your beauty before me. Thank you for giving me the gift of writing so I may paint your creation for those who cannot see.”

As I turned back, my breath fogging before me, I heard soft pants and crunches of footprints in the snow. I knew who it was without looking over my shoulder.

Adrien plopped down beside me, breathing hard, his face and hands red from the cold; all I could think watching him out of the corner of my eye was: Adorable. He breathed harshly into his hands and then stuffed them deeply into his pockets, finally admiring the view after he did a sweep of me, making sure I was alright. “Whoa. What a view.” He then turned back to me, but I only sighed softly and kept gazing ahead. His brows furrowed and he looked at the ground, then at me again, licking his chapped lips. “Tim said you’d be here.” There was a long pause before he huffed impatiently and leaned forward, elbows over his knees, hands tucked into his sleeves. “You gonna talk to me, or..?” I finally asked,

“Do you regret anything?” His brows deepened and he sat back, letting loose a heavy sigh, staring out at the landscape.

“A few things.” He paused. “Why?” I scooted closer to him, everything in me calm, not even my heartbeat rising. I took his cold hands and held them in my warm ones. He inhaled softly, surprised. I looked up at him, feeling his pulse quicken through our intertwined hands.

“I regret not telling someone my feelings a long time ago. I’d gone six long years having a massive crush on them. But, after they graduated, disappearing off the face of the earth and I never saw them again, a part of me was heavy that I never told them.” There was an intriguing look on Adrien’s face. I squeezed his hands and looked out at the scenery. I could feel his eyes searching with an unspoken question for the unspoken answer. “I regret concealing truths that I’ve kept for most of my life. But, if I choose to reveal it,” I met his gaze. He had an unreadable expression. He was closed off. Processing. “I could risk everything and lose something I hold very dear to me. So, I live between adoration and agony, finding spiritual peace in between, even as my heart and mind are at war.” I stood up, letting Adrien go. “Join me?” A hint of laughter ebbed into my voice.

He recovered by standing up abruptly, statue still, observing the outlook. Then with a huff, he stuffed his hands in his pockets again and followed me back into the woods.

~*~

A year had passed and our two families had gathered again, using the same two cabins as the year before. I had spent the summer and fall abroad in England and sincerely loved it. I was sad to leave, but I’d made such diverse and unique friendships, connections, and memories that England had followed me back home. I had an interesting accent that hadn’t ebbed off since I’d arrived home. My first book had become a YA hit and I was in process of writing my second.

Adrien had one more semester left before he graduated. During the year, I didn’t see or hear from him much, but when John had organized another Christmas cabin trip to celebrate the holidays and my 22nd birthday, which he’d said the same thing as last year: “It’s a tradition!” It had indeed been the third year in a row that I’d gotten to celebrate my birthday with the Wilsons.

Our family had arrived first, the Wilsons being delayed by traffic. Tim was bringing his wife, who was four months pregnant, which was something else to celebrate. I’d chosen to camp out in my room and nap because I’d gotten little sleep the night before, after unpacking the luggage and supplies from the cars. We’d arrived in the late afternoon, around 4:45pm.

It was 8pm when I awoke, having slept over three hours. I became acutely aware of a mix of lower voices down on the main floor. Tomorrow was my 22nd birthday and yet, I was still thinking about what I’d said to Adrien a year ago: I live between adoration and agony, finding spiritual peace in between, even as my heart and mind are at war.

When I was in England, at first, I missed him like a missing limb. But, over time, I learned to manage that longing, and soon enough, I’d forgotten about him. Not entirely, but he became a ghost of a thought in the back of my mind. It was harder to write about him too, as I was writing and constructing a collection of short stories featuring us, with the names tweaked. I didn’t reach out to talk to him much anymore then; it was like that in the first month, but because of the time change, I was awake when he was asleep and vice versa. The last time I’d seen him was at his graduation, and then I was off to England the next week.

I put my hair up and changed into a pair of leggings and a favorite shirt that read: I’m a writer. Anything you do or say may be used in a story. Then, I pulled on a pair of fuzzy British flag socks and tiptoed down the stairs to see who was accompanied our kitchen.

I immediately spotted John and Nelly talking with Dad and Mom. “John!” I called excitedly and zoomed over to hug him. He was still my favorite person on the planet.

“Marbles! How was England?” I rolled my eyes at the nickname. He always insisted that I was someone who had all their marbles, instead of losing them.

“Utterly amazing!” My parents laughed as my strange accent emerged. “What?! It’s not m’ fault!” John laughed.

“I’m glad you had fun!” My now 6-year-old golden retriever came slowly trotting up to me, her tail still wagging ecstatically. She wasn’t the puppy she used to be but that didn’t stop her.

“Hallo, Penny.” I lured her over to the fireplace where we sat in front of the blaze and both fell asleep against the warmth.

When I awoke again, the fire was out and there was a pillow under my head and a thick, fuzzy blanket over my body. I sat up and squinted at the far away clock on the kitchen stove: 05:11. I’d slept another seven hours. Penny was nowhere to be seen. Walking up to the window, to my delight, there were stars everywhere. I quietly went upstairs to change and then assemble my wintry gear before leaving a note on the island, and heading out into the frigid morning.

Sunrise was happening at 05:30, so I hustled up the hill and through the woods, on the path that I’d committed to memory, to the lookout. I sat on the bench and smiled at the beginnings of sunrise. I snapped a picture and then tucked my phone away, silencing it.

My thoughts drifted back to Adrien. I was excited to see him, but another part of me was deathly nervous. I felt a hand on my shoulder and whipped around, but no one was there, only a Godly presence that seated Himself on the bench next to me. I broke down and sobbed, kneeling in the snow and crying out at the sunrise. “Lord, I’m scared. A year ago I shoved my feelings and hurt myself because of it. What do I do? I’ve trusted you continuously through this and I will continue to again, but I’m scared of what I want. What it means.” More tears poured down as I screamed into the openness, all the stress, anxiety, heartache, and fear ripping out of me, leaving me raw. I began to tear at my clothes, stripping my top layers down to my bra and clawed at myself, screaming into the glistening snow until my voice was hoarse.

Although the sun had risen, the cold tore through me like a knife. But I felt nothing. I was numb, my tears frozen on my face. I couldn’t feel my body shaking, my hands facing palm up as I knelt on the ground, forehead stamped into the snow. Blearily out the corner of my eye, my watch read 07:52. I was now 22 years old. I couldn’t feel anything.

I barely heard a voice, a body nearby, a slender hand cupping my shoulder blade, layers being wrapped around me.

I slipped into the black.

~*~

Groggily, under many heavy layers, I twitched awake. It hurt to move. But, my ears perked up at a set of two voices: my dad and John. “You’re okay with staying here with her? We have a few errands to run before her party tomorrow.”

“Yeah, Ted. You, June, and the boys go. We got this. It’s obvious she’d been going through a ton of stress lately. She’s in good hands. Besides,” There was a pause. “He won’t leave her side.” The conversation ebbed out as I was pulled back under.

~*~

There was a small light in the corner of the room. Rubbing my eyes, I painfully sat up and noticed John reading his Bible, a set of glasses on his nose. Tears ticked at the corners of my eyes as I was suddenly reminded of my grandfather, who had passed over five years ago but his memory was still fresh like snow in my mind. John looked up and smiled. “Hey, Hotshot. How you feeling?”

My voice cracked as I tried to speak but nothing came out. “Don’t try and talk. Here,” He got up to hand me a glass of water. I gulped it down slowly, the cold refreshing down my raw throat. He sat on the bed with his Bible open to scripture. “I’m reading Proverbs 20. Mind if I read the first five to you?” I nodded my head and snuggled up to him, my head leaning against his shoulder as I read along with him.

“Proverbs 20: 1-5. ‘¹Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise. ²A king’s wrath strikes terror like the roar of a lion; those who anger him fear for their lives. ³It is to one’s honor to avoid strife but every fool is quick to quarrel. ⁴Sluggards do not plow in season; so at harvest time they look but find nothing.’” He paused for emphasis before reading that last verse. “‘⁵The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.’”

My entire body erupted in goosebumps at the last line. It was as if God was speaking directly to me. I took the pen and scratch paper on the bed stand and scribbled, I love him. John’s eyes crinkled knowingly, his growing grin widening.

“Then you need to go tell him that. He’s next door, at your place. He kept pacing here, so I sent him to help out your family.” I stood up slowly and on my way to the bedroom door, I caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror. I- I was wearing a Yahweh University long sleeve and sweats, along with a matching beanie and socks. I blushed brightly at myself, reeling that this is what I looked like wearing Adrien’s clothes. John laid a hand on my shoulder lovingly and chuckled. “All decked out. Happy late birthday, Marbles.” Butterflies fluttered in me as I hugged him and then sprinted out of the seemingly empty house, pausing briefly to hug Nelly and Kaitlyn.

I found my dad and brothers outside chopping up firewood. I pulled them all into a big hug, my sock feet soaked by the snow. My dad was relieved to see that I was okay, my brothers as well. Josiah, who towered over me in his usual 6’5” height, smiled softly and pointed to the house. “Mom’s inside, and he is out back, on the porch.” My heart surged and I left with a toothy grin.

My mother looked extra worried when she hugged me tightly, but a soft grin was on her face, tears appearing as she pointed to the back door to the porch. I whipped off the soaked socks and went barefoot into a pair of my boots. Hesitantly, I opened the back door.

A light breeze was rustling his brown hair, the sun touching hints of blonde that were slowly fading away. His ears were tinted pink, meaning that he’d been outside for a while. He wore nothing but a thick Yahweh hoodie, sweats, and boots. His body twitched as I clicked the door shut. He heavily sighed and I acutely noticed that he was shuddering. My heart cried out to him and I rushed to throw my arms around his body, my cheek pressed against his back.

He inhaled softly and turned in my embrace. He- He was crying. Water leaned from my eyes as well as I wove my arms around his neck and he cried into my shoulder, us crumbling to a dry spot on the deck. I curled into his lap and pressed my head against his chest, hearing his heartbeat rise warmly. His embrace tightened and I was flattened comfortably into him.

I hadn’t realized how much I missed Adrien. How much I missed seeing him Youth Group nights, at church, when we went cafe-hopping to talk about his creative writing class and financial assignments, when I’d cheer for him at his swim meets, our long talks about life and the future over the phone when he was studying for exams. I realized that when I was exploring England, the thing that had left me empty wasn’t just missing my family; it had been Adrien all along.

“Happy late birthday.” I looked up and wiped away tears from his face as he spoke. As his eyes took in my appearance, in his clothes, he blushed cutely. “How are you feeling?” I stuck out my tongue, making him laugh gravely, and tapped my throat, creating an “X” with my fingers. As he stroked my face, I caught his hand and held it against my cheek, leaning against it, feeling his pulse escalate and that blush deepen. He gulped and then I noticed out situation. His hand had unintentionally slipped under my- his sweater, seeking warmth, and was burning an imprint into my skin. I daringly gazed into the depth of his sun-kissed, chocolate eyes as I slid forward, closer to his chest, and he shuddered, unexpectedly on his part, his blush darkening the hue of his ears. I could taste the thundering of my heart as I cupped his face in my hands, angled my head, and kissed him.

When I pulled back, I pointed to myself and mouthed, I, then made a heart with my fingers and laid his hand on my chest, Love. Then I put my hand over his, You. His breath shook as he brushed away my spilling tears and kissed me back. With every tender kiss, my body turned molten.

“I,”

*kiss*

“Love,”

*kiss*

“You,”

My breath hitched, fire igniting everywhere as he finished with a long, agonizing kiss.

“Too.”

“Hey Lovebirds! Anyone want cake?” My brother poked his head out and we both yelled,

“Finneas!”