A Taller Tale

Of course it happened! Do you think I'm a liar?? Sure as I'm standing here, every word I spoke, I swear, it's true!

Do I have to do something drastic to prove it? Throw myself in front of a car? Stop a train? Stop time and space with nothing but a pair of pliers and a chocolate chip cookie?!?

Fine! I'll tell the story again, and add in all the details I didn't give you the first time, and then you HAVE to believe me!

I was minding my own business when this started. I ALWAYS mind my own business! Especially in public, I just like to sit and watch the mass of humanity go by in all its myriad glory, there is no way that I ever get involved in the docudrama that unfolds in front of me sometimes.

What? Me?? NEVER!!!

ANYway, so there I am, MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, and this cute couple just stops in front of me, and he goes down on one knee, and PROPOSES! I mean, HOW CUTE IS THAT?!?

So of course I'm going to squeal and clap, but apparently that was too much attention for these people whose guy decided a proposal ON A PUBLIC SIDEWALK shouldn't have a peanut gallery! OR a video camera shoved between them, but how was I to get those amazing closeup shots?? Sure, they didn't ASK for it, but hey, I would have gotten SOOO many new subscribers! So blah blah screaming crying blah blah police called blah blah tried to take my phone and I took off running and now there's a WARRANT out for my ARREST!

Well, FINE then, if they want me for such a stupid thing, I might as well go all out, right? RIGHT?

So I drove to the bank and held it up, Wild West style! Finger in the coat, gimme the money, felt like one of the bad guys in a black hat!! But I didn't have one, so I went to the hat store, the one on the edge of town? No, not here, THERE! I'm not going to stay in town after robbing a bank and running from the coppers, now am I?!?

So, why not just steal it? I'm a bad guy now, right?? So, I did!! One second I'm preening in the mirrors, looking all prim, twirling my invisible mustache YES IT IS INVISIBLE DON'T EVEN THINK OTHERWISE, and the next I'm running out the door and taking a pair of boots by the door!! Hah! And you know, they're even my size!!

Coincidence?? I THINK NOT!! I was meant to have them!!!

I was conveniently behind the building of the fast food joint when the police went whizzing by, and I used some of that bank money to get myself a triple decker with a double decker fry and a small decker cola. Usually I keep my urges under control, but if they're going to haul me away and give me prison food, I'm going to eat well beforehand, you know??

So, there I am, and this guy pulls up for a Door Delivery! He hops out and leaves the motor running, and I can see him arguing with the counter people, and then he sits down! WITH THE CAR RUNNING, AND THE DOOR OPEN!!! Well, if that's not an opportunity, I don't see what is! I grabbed the money and boots and hat, locked up my car, hopped into my new ride, and off I go!

Well, what next?? So with my new disguise – my black hat, of course! - I went to the grocery store in Upton. Yes, that one, they banned me over that little misunderstanding! I was still right, no matter what they say, getting that 75% off coupon on that website that was all done in crayon like a child scribbled it for my food was a godsend, and what did those people do but NOT honor it?!? And of course I can't find the website when they're all yelling at me! So this time I just waited till ten when the bakery pulled up, and when he went inside, I grabbed all the bread loaves I could, shoved them in the car, and took off to the reservoir!!

It was so fun feeding the ducks and watching the stream of lights and sirens going by! So colorful!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU SHOULDN'T FEED BREAD TO THE DUCKS?!?! Honestly, don't YOU start on me!!! I'm a felon, a wanted criminal!! I'll do what I want!!!

Where was I?? Oh, right, feeding the ducks. Anyway...

So, then I decided to do something even WORSE! If I'm going to walk on the wrong side of the law, I'm going to do it right!! So I thought while ducks nibbled on my toes, and then I GOT IT.

So! You know that the holiday parade was going on, right? Oh, don't you start on me! No, I have NEVER been fixated on being the center of attention!! That's my nasty SISTER who's all about the parade, parade this, parade that, UGH!! How HARD can it be to sit there in a pretty dress with all that makeup, and smile and wave to a crowd??

So I finally did it! I got revenge on her for all those years of giving me grief!! Steal MY husband, will you?? Get better grades than me, hunh??! Well, I hope she's loving life in that tiny closet, HAH!

I locked her in there, I did! I mewed like a kitten, you know she's a sucker for baby kittens! Steal MY cats, will you!?! Well, I showed her! Locked her in, put the mop handle across the door like they showed in the movies! Then I put on her pretty pretty dress, and I did the makeup and wig – oh yes, she does wear them!! - and sashayed out to my Rolls Royce, the parade car!

I smiled! I waved!! I blew kisses to babies!!! Even that ugly baby my sister squirted out with my ex!!!! HAH! Even he didn't know it was me!! HAH!!!

Oh, it felt SO good! And all those cops, lining the route, were looking at the crowd, they weren't even looking at meee!!

Then it was over, and the cops were doing that strange talking to their wristwatches thing, and I figured they knew. It's hard to slip away in high heels, but I did it!! And took the back alley to where I stashed my car -

And the cops were already there!!! So I had to sneak away again!!

BUT – the cop car was right there, door open!!!

I took off! And they didn't catch me in time, HAH!

So, where to go??? Well, you know those paddle boats down by the lake?? The ones that look like swans??

YES, I most certainly did!! HAH!!!

It's so dark down there in the evening, and if you take one of the black swans, it makes it soooo much easier!!

Well, of course they followed!! I forgot they have those things tracked!

And they all got in boats and followed me, the slowest low-paddle chase that ever the lake saw!

They stopped when I threw my sister's high-heeled shoes at them, those things are killer stilettos! They had to scoop them up, so I got a lead!

I should have realized they would send some ahead to the other side of the lake. They were waiting! So I did the dramatic YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!, and I stripped off that dress and dropped in the slimy water, and dove in!!

Yeah, it was slimy. No, I was not naked!! Do you know how many undergarments you need to wear, to make a dress like that look good on my sister?!?

I'm a good swimmer, but by then they found a powerboat, and dragged me out kicking and screaming.

So, anyway, that's why I'm calling you, I need a good defense, plead insanity or something -

NO I DID NOT GO OVERBOARD IN MY REACTIONS!!!!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS LINE IS RECORDED!?!?!?!

Come on, you gotta get me out!! You're my-

NO! NO! I GET ONE CALL, AND I'M NOT DONE YET!! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU-

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