A Special Slice

Yummy Cake

It would have been a perfect plan, if only Tina hadn’t passed that first slice of cake I gave her on to our grandmother.

My sister Tina used to be fun, but then she settled down and became a responsible adult. Boo hoo! She seemed unhappy, which was too bad, but the real problem was that I was miserable when I spent time with the new, adult Tina. I wanted my partner in crime back! So I hatched a plan.

Tina loved chocolate cake, so I plotted to lace a piece of double-double chocolate cake. Double-double chocolate is chocolate cake with chocolate chips and a double-fudge icing. I was sure that a hit of LSD would crack Tina open, and she would return to the fold. We could party together once again, if only she’d let go of the default world and her incessant clinging to rules.

I put the bottom layer of cake onto a plate with a unique, non-repeating design. This would allow me to spot the specific slice intended for Tina. I split the top layer and smoothed in a mixture of small pieces of strawberry and tiny chocolate chips. I then placed a small piece of blotter acid in line with the image of the graceful swan whose wing touched the edge of the plate. After icing the top of the cake and chilling it in the refrigerator for an hour, it was time for the party.

As was the custom in our family, the first slice went to the birthday girl. Unfortunately, while the old Tina would have scarfed down that first slice before the third slice was served, the new Tina graciously passed her slice to our dear grandmother.

There was no way I was going to let our grandmother eat the dosed slice, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to get it back to Tina. Luckily, our grandmother had old-fashioned manners, and would wait until everyone was served before she would take a bite.

I served everyone else but Tina, saving her ‘til the last slice. I asked Devin to pour coffee and then I leaned in and switched grandma’s slice with Tina’s. Unfortunately, this did not go unseen. Devin asked why Tina got a larger slice than everyone else. This prompted Tina to trade her slice with Devin. Damn it!

I panicked and I’m sure it sounded loony, but I demanded that everyone wait to eat their cake until they had ice cream. I explained that the cake was a special creation, and that people would not get the full experience unless the cake was eaten with chocolate mint ice cream. Devin and Tina both waited, thank goodness.

I put twice as much ice cream on the plate in front of Tina because I knew Devin had a mad crush on mint chip ice cream. I held my breath and prayed. I didn’t want to have to spill punch on Devin to keep him from eating the cake. True to form, Devin sized up the ice cream and asked Tina if she would trade. Thank goodness, she agreed.

Meanwhile, I wasn’t paying attention as I scooped ice cream onto all the other plates. By the time I got to Granny, there was only a tiny bit of mint chip ice cream left. Grandma looked very disappointed, and Tina picked up on it. She reached over and switched plates with Granny. I couldn’t win!

Desperate, I stalled. I tapped a water glass with my spoon, quieting down the room. “I’d like to propose a toast to the women in our family. You are all inspirational! You are all so gracious and generous.”

I stalled for a bit too long, and saw forks begin to move. “Wait!” I cried out. “There is a special prize hidden in one of the pieces of cake.” I think I saw this at a Quinceañera or something. Blank stares from everyone. I went on. “I’ve hidden great grandmother Ginny’s heart locket in one of the pieces of cake. If you find it in your slice, it is yours.”

I got back angry stares and it looked like the veins on the side of Tina’s neck would explode. She had been lobbying to get the locket since Ginny had died. So had our cousin, Hillary. The room began to buzz with discussion about how this was the wrong way to decide the fate of such a precious heirloom. I agreed, but I was trying to keep from sending my grandmother into a rebirthing experience at the hands of LSD.

“Now, like musical chairs, everyone will pass their slice of cake to the left. When the music stops, you will have your new slice of cake.” I had no idea where this cockamamy scheme was coming from. I played “monkey chased the weasel” on the piano. I thought I had my eye on the correct slice, but when I stopped, I saw that now my cousin Julianna had the piece with the acid in it. “One more time!” I shouted, and played the song again, to a chorus of complaints. This time, I kept my eye on the special piece, and stopped just as Tina got it. Success at last.

That’s when my aunt Patty showed up. She looked like Jackie O, as usual. She was greeted with many hugs and kisses, and then she asked for a piece of cake. Damn it! There was no cake left. Before I could stop her, Tina offered up her piece to Aunt Patty.

I think our aunt could have used a good psychedelic jolt, but I didn’t want to miss my chance to nudge Tina back to life. “Oh, Aunt Patty,” I almost yelled. “There may be peanuts in the cake.” I knew she was allergic.

“Peanuts?!” Granny spit out her bite of cake. She, too, was allergic. “You know I can’t have peanuts!! Are you trying to kill me?”

The special piece of cake was dumped into the kitchen trash before I could intervene. I let it go. It simply wasn’t meant to be.

The End (for now)