A ray of Hope

It’s been so many hours, days, months, and even a few years since I saw it, but I know I need to keep looking for it…it’s the only thing that keeps hopeful and keeps me sane. I still can remember her face and the smell of her hair and the touch of her skin…but lately, these memories have started to fade away. Instead of them, all that seems to want to remain is that dreaded sense of doom as the wind whispers in my ear… "the end is near”.

*****

I try to keep moving forward and remember all the places we visited before all of this, before the darkness and the fire became part of the landscape of the world. It’s hard to do, I am alone, and she is not there to hold my hand and give me that daily kiss of life that I miss so much. But I just can’t let her memory fade away and become part of the emptiness that has become my soul. She must be what keeps me connected to a need to live for she left me the most beautiful gift of all…our precious little girl.

*****

I need to find it, I need it, it must be close for this was the last city we visited before all of this…the last place we called home.

*****

I walked and walked with her head close to my chest making sure she was ok and had sweet dreams in those moments she closed her eyes. We needed shelter first, and I knew where to go …our old rental home. The streets were filled with cars, yet no people were to be seen around and the only noise was that of the wind and the few animals that made the abandoned buildings their home. It was a long walk, but finally, we got to it, it was strange being there again but there was a sense of familiarity and peace within that first step into the house (The fake rock was still around, and the key was still in it, making it easy to go in). I knew that before we rested and made food, I needed to check the house to make sure nothing unwelcomed was there.

I found our old couch and made a small bed for her precious little head and told her to wait for daddy needed to make sure no meanies (people) or monsters (wild animals) were around. I placed my index finger on top of my lips, and she knew that the silence game had begun. Firstly, I inspected the first floor and thankfully nothing and then I went upstairs while her eyes remained fixated on me as if she were protecting me with precious little eyes (It was quite endearing, to be honest). As soon as I set foot on the landing on the second floor something felt off, but I just couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I inspected the back room and all it seemed fine, then the hallway, the restroom, and nothing…lastly the main bedroom, there was a certain scent that immediately activated my fight or flight instinct pushing me to take out my knife with one hand and the gun with the other.

*****

I opened the door and there it was, a lonely hungry wolf waiting for food to make itself present in front of me. Its fur was silver and grey, it was on the lighter side but still imposing and with eyes that made it clear it needed food at any cost. I suddenly remembered that I had some leftover food on my backpack, taking it out was not going an easy task, but thankfully the hungry beast understood that I would rather not harm him and would rather end this peacefully (as much as a gun could do, I had already encountered wolves along the way and they were no easy task and one almost took me away from my daughter). I took out the food and threw it next to its left paw and immediately without any hesitation, it started to eat as if there was no tomorrow. Once done, it looked at me, but more importantly, it looked at the door as if it was thankful that it could get out. Based on the damage on the door, it seemed it had tried many times, and not only did I bring food but also brought hope to reunite with its pack. Slowly I started to walk backward and towards the stairs, it followed me carefully without giving away anything and it seemed as if it was ready, in case I changed my mind and wanted to fight. Thankfully the main door was right there next to the stairs and as soon as I opened it, it bolted as fast as possible heading to wherever its family was.

*****

Now we needed some food and thankfully I remembered the pantry was full of canned goods the last time we were there and thankfully it was still the same. We had a nice little feast and afterward, we laughed and played enjoying this pause in between the madness and the dreadful reality of the outside world. I remembered a fairy tale that my wife had always wanted to tell our daughter and with this, she quickly fell asleep next to me and me next to her protected by the darkness of the living room and housed by the comfort and the warmth of the sofa and a few quilts I was able to find.

*****

Today was the day, the one I dreaded most of all… we went to the hospital…at least what remained of it. It felt as I had been transported to that moment, the moment my world truly ended, before all of this, before the need to keep going to make sure hope remains for this precious little girl became my only drive. I had her close to my chest making sure the smell of death didn’t grab a hold of her and she could keep on resting and dreaming of a world that I hope one day can be hers. We went through each aisle and searched and search, looking for the room but all we kept on getting was nothing…I had forgotten how monstrous this horrible place was. Yet finally we arrived at the section that I knew I had to reach to even have a remote chance of finding it…the cancer ward. I could not help it, I cried, but I did try to keep myself as quiet as possible as to not wake her up. It felt as if something unknown had grabbed a hold of my heart as I felt a pressure that I did not miss, one that made it hard to breathe, to see, and to remain hopeful. But I knew, I had to move forward, I had to get to it, I had to find her room…

All the doctors were long gone and all that was left were the decomposing bodies that they did not even try to give a proper rest. I walked and walked for what felt like miles, but in all truth were only a few meters until we reached it at the end of the aisle…her room.

The bed was there as if she had just gotten up to use the restroom, but I knew better…she was not there…she would never be there again. As I walked towards it, my legs started feeling, and breathing became almost impossible, but I knew I had to check.

She always hid all that was precious to her under the pillow, and I knew that was the only place to look. I picked it up and there it was, the heart-shaped locket that looked so perfect around her neck holding a picture of me and her…but there was something else next to it, a letter I had not seen before. I opened it and there it was, her last message for us…

” To you my sweet darling I give you my heart, my soul, and all that ever was magical about me not just while I dwell in this warden but for all eternity for you are the most beautiful blessing that God could have given me. I love you today, tomorrow, and always!

And to you my sweet child, I give you my green eyes, my fiery temper, my strong-will and the sad memory of a mother that was not there but that know now, always loved you and always will be by your side next to your guardian angel making sure life treats you well and gives you all that you deserve.”