A memory power

It is said that when a child is born, he is the most innocent thing in the world, but with life factors and circumstances, the worst part of him comes out and loses that innocence forever... And in my story, I was able to testify to the darkest aspects of human beings.

 12/4/2011 "Tal Abyad region, Syria"

 I sit among my spring flowers in my father's land and the air caresses my gypsy hair and smile softly with my eyes closed..I open my eyes to reveal their honey color with green specks interspersed between them.

 I stood looking at my land and my father’s land touching those flowers and enjoying the beauty of my country. I love my city so much with its fertile land.. I see that girl playing and these boys playing around in the grass with curiosity to laugh, but suddenly I heard a strange sound to look in front of me and see my father running towards me at speed screaming that I have to run and suddenly  My place stiffened as I saw behind him armed and masked men dressed in black as their hearts were black, and I saw one of them raise his weapon towards him to stop everything around me. I look at my father, who started to grow red spots on his chest and fall in front of me, and for the first time in my life I see him crying, he was always a strong, strong but tender man,  The tape of my life with him passed before my eyes.. my crying and pampering for another hour of staying up and another story in his warm embrace and a delicious sweetness that became more delicious because he is the one who gave it

 My shock was pierced by my father’s loud cry “Run, run!!” To start running as if there was no tomorrow I would run and cry and my feet would tremble I arrived at my house, the house of my memories collapsed in front of me My house has burned my memories My life and the twenty years I spent in it I started screaming hysterically, a Human life is destroyed in minutes, and suddenly I saw my older brother in front of me quickly approaching and grabbed my shoulder to scream at me that I might wake up, but he woke me up to a worse reality.  She said that my mother died and he wants me to wake up from the source of tenderness and my safe place and my dearest friend left me, no to girls' night out anymore, there is no place for me now

 He grabbed my hand and started running with me looking like corpse, I looked around and I didn't see my country, but I see ruined, destruction, crying and wailing, to look in front of me after my brother stopped suddenly to find the same people, the same masked, the same weapons, and before the world reigned with me, the last word I heard was "surrender!!" to fall after that

 And here was the beginning of my hell..I sit in that small cell. I can't even spread my feet. I woke up four hours ago. I look at them in the void. I look at the wall in front of me and I see writings on it.  “Be stronger than them. You are the strongest and they are the weakest. God is with you, and God does not love killers. Do not despair, for God always wins.

But the last sentence was different touching what inside my dead heart taking for the Ashes

It was written "when you collect all your sadness and angry when you collect all your memories you will free the power in yourself then you will be free”

I kept thinking of that sentence and what power that person was talking about in a miserable place like that  

 Suddenly they opened the door cutting my thinking and let me out. I looked around to find a lot like me. I went upstairs to find a spacious and beautiful place with all the amenities and I see foreigners and Arabs looking at me sarcastically. I was thrown into a room to raise my head and find a man sitting with three women, he seems to be in his early fifties but the white hair invaded his beard and h looked at me maliciously

 -So what's your name, little girl?

 His voice annoyed me and I looked at him executing the scribbled words of my cell. He snatched away your fear. “My name is honored, that people like you don't deserve to say it ”

He laughed looking at me with a desire whispering to my ears what I loved to die before I hear

-from today I own you ,your body will be my toy and I will pay your worth to filthy that body you think I can’t utter its name

 To widen my eyes with a tremble I was sold out and  like something can be owned my father always told me a sentence I kept in my heart and said to him bravely "God created us free and did not create us slaves like you" to look at me a mule and say a word that stopped my heart "We'll see tonight, little one", and this was the night that was violated  My dignity and my life destroyed

Taking the last pieces of the life inside me

 Four years..Four years have passed and I am in this hell that takes away all the rest of my humanity. I witnessed the death of my brother for refusing to join them, and after they despaired of washing his mind from a religious point of view, they executed him in front of me.

 I sit in my cell, in which I spent four years naked, with my hair shaved and some bruises adorning my face, and writing my own scribbles and words: “Surrender comes from the control of the fear they sow in your heart, they are like mites slowly permeating inside you until they end all the good inside you.”

 "They may enslave you and try to convince you that you are a slave and they are the masters, but do not forget that your soul is free and they cannot enslave it unless you bring them in."

 "Die with honor that you never gave in, not the subject to their madness"

 Look at that weak light that sneaks into my cage to start praying and make my heart closer to God..

After a while I felt my cage being opened to shrink on myself and hide the small rock I was writing on. No, but this is what prevents me from madness to look with caution and hatred for what is in front of me and hide my body.  I wanted to close my eyes, but suddenly I felt a robe being put on me to find that he took off his jacket to cover me with it. He looked into my eyes and said, “Calm down. I didn’t come to harm you. I am from the Kurdish forces and we came to get you out. He brought me his card to make sure.” I smiled for the first time in four years. I will return home to my sanctuary.

 He told me that he needed a rebellion from within to weaken them and the troops could enter

 To tell him that we as prisoners agree on a song that if someone sings it everyone starts singing and everyone knows that it's time to go out for a day with a smile and said that he will start liberating the prisoners with the sound of singing to come out

 And I stand and begin to sing “One day I use it and fly away” Let everyone sing with me “One day when the sky calls my name” “I can see the moonlight” And with our last words the furious shouting came out as the cells opened, and it became a general rebellion and bullets struck in all  A place while I was holding on to that jacket I walk among them to see the terrifying fleeing like mice and the forces come in and take over the place I see some of us die but this does not make them lose their resolve but strengthens them more I came out quickly to the light and finally I saw the sun fell on my knees and I started screaming and calling my father, mother and brother

 Half an hour I scream and everyone looks at me after the battle ended with our victory

 To feel a hand on my shoulder to find a woman looking at me tenderly and saying, “It’s okay..everything will be fine now.” I rest in her lap and she takes me to the troop’s car. It was an open car for me to stand and raise my hands in the air and close my eyes

I heard the scream of a girl a scream I knew because I owned for four years

I remmberd the words on my place the power that I collect from my trauma

From the angry I hold

I thought about my family, my dad who died worried from leaving us to demons the mom I lost and the brother who wished death .

My tears fell like a cloud fill of rain but my eyes was filled with years of miserable I screamed with the girl screaming remembering my nights of rape

The anger filled me and I filled a power shocking my body

I collect every memory of mine and I couldn't stop I pushed the door of my cell broking it with power I didn't know

Like the sky gave me their strength

I met with the face of the man who guard the cells and it was the first time I saw fear into his eyes

I hold his neck pulling his knife and shoved inside his heart

I took his shirt put it on me and his knife in my hand falling from it the blood of his filthy body

I walked seeing only my pain killing whatever coming to my face searching for a person that took my happiness

I saw him trying to rape another girl tears coming out of her eyes screaming for help

And was all the power inside my soul I slaughter him enjoying his death moment

I didn't have Internet of the girl calling the police I just looked at his body his soul that suffer from slow death

And at the moment his soul left for hell I went out from the place looking to the sky walking next the police who came

I fell on my knees enjoying the sun screaming in agony I looked down at my my heart shaped locket that was the gift of my dmom I remember her kind face giving to me saying in gentle words

-this  is our womens treasure their power and when time will come it will give you power u never dreamed of

 And at June 16, 2005 my cage was opened and I was released like a bird that went out to fly and with my eyes closed I remembered the days when I was contemplating my flowers in my land to know how much I really miss them and I knew one thing we make the beast for ourselves and make him the master in our squad but in our loneliness we can beat any monster because fear is  The true enemy, no matter how long it gets in the end, the light of hope will surely come.”

                                                                       free gory