A Look at Life

Jesse's mom always knew he was odd. He was in fact, "different" from the other small children that gathered in the courtyard play area. That's why they shunned him. But it was strange to her that it never seemed to bother her little blond-headed boy. He was in a world of his own most of the time and probably hadn't noticed their mocking of him. They called him four eyes because of the thick glasses he wore with the head strap to keep them secure. But maybe he hadn't heard their nips because he wore hearing aids in both ears. Even Jesse's mother, Brittany thought he appeared more like a ninety-year old man than a a five year old.

She blamed herself, she blamed Jesse's absent and unknown father, she blamed her parents, and most of all she blamed God for her child being born with so many issues. It wasn't fair. And she was so angry about life in general. How was it fair that a sixteen year-old could get raped on the way home from school? And why wouldn't her single mother believe her...why did she choose to believe that her own flesh and blood would be a whore instead? But what hurt the most was when Brittany got kicked out of home and put in a shelter to fare for herself because of the swelling inside her belly.

The girls' home she had been placed in wasn't so bad. In fact, unlike her mother's place, at least this place had consistent meals and sustainable warmth from the cold. And there, the flow of a revolving door of "stepfathers" to contend with wasn't an issue either. She could stay there until the baby was born, relieved that she wouldn't be homeless.

There were other girls like her with their own big bellies who had no idea of what to do that she commiserated with. The staff pushed for adoption, but Brittany wasn't sure. When couples visited their shelter, she could see the hunger in their eyes for a child, but somehow hunger wasn't enough to hand over a part of herself. Somehow, having the baby which squirmed and kicked around inside of her was the only thing that made her feel whole.

She had been grateful that the agency had helped her to receive aide and a low rent apartment when little Jesse was born three weeks early and with some "issues." Those issues, caused by a virus, helped to get them a check every month to live on, too. Of course, they had a caseworker and Brittany had to become emancipated, which her mother gladly complied to.

Brittany had never been resentful or angry about being Jesse's mother, though. She had loved him in a way that she couldn't comprehend. He had become her life, her main focus, and the only family she had. Their time together was wonderful. When he smiled, her heart smiled, too. They often played the radio loudly and danced themselves silly. She would read Jack and the Beanstalk to him every night because he was captivated about climbing up the stalk and giggled when Brittany made her voice sound like the gruff boy-eating giant with every "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum" she bellowed out. His favorite food was chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese, but not so much the green beans...until she reminded him of the magic beans in Jack's story.

And Jesse would tell her magical stories, as well. He couldn't pronounce his "r's" well. The speech therapist was working with him weekly. But Brittany clung to each word he uttered like they were honey. He had worked so hard and come so far in his journey to become more "normal."

He told her that one day he would "gow" up and have a doggie name "Wadah." (Grow up and have a dog named Radar.) There was a no-pets rule and that was the one joy she couldn't give him. He carried a stuffed dog everywhere he went, though.

They would take walks and get ice cream. Each time, he would try a new flavor. He was naturally curious like that. They would look at all the buildings they passed and Jesse would ask Brittany a thousand questions about how they were built. When they came to a church, he was amazed at the pointy steeple and the Cross. He asked her why the people were all dressed up and going in. And then he spotted the Nativity scene and his eyes stuck on baby Jesus. "Mommie, why ah they keeping the baby all naked? He's cold!"

Brittany remembered a time long ago, before her parents split, when she learned about the birth, life, and death of Jesus. A time when she had believed. Now that was only a painful memory and a tear fell from her eyes. How could she explain faith to her son when she had none left? "Don't cwy, Mommie, that baby will be alwight." But Brittany wondered if "they" would be. How would she be able to protect him from "life?"

From that day on, Jesse insisted that Brittany tell him more and more stories about the baby Jesus and what became of him when he "gew up." She took him to the local library and checked out children's Bible stories. He was enamored by them. She would be the last one that would dash his hopes in a good God, she resolved, but the Divine seemed like a very distant entity to her. Maybe when Jesse got older, she could discuss all of "this" with him, she thought. For now, the Tooth Fairy, Santa, and Jesus would be safe.

One night after Brittany read the story of how Jesus had died for our sins and rose to be in Heaven with His Father, tears fell from her precious son's eyes. He took her hand with his small ones and placed it on his chest, and then said, "Mommie, I feel Him wight heah." (right here) "I want us to be in Heaven with Jesus, too."

Remembering the verse, "Suffer the little children..." after Jesse had closed his eyes, Brittany broke down and asked God to forgive her unbelief. She realized she had been looking at life all wrong! She now saw clearly that God had richly blessed her with a child who saw (spiritually) with perfect vision, heard (spiritually) with perfect pitch and that God loved them both dearly. And yes, she felt it in her heart, too. "Wight heah!"

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