A Father's Absence

Growing in the Dominican Republic, Helena did not have a care in the world. She was surrounded by love, and kindness, which would always put a cheesy smile on her round baby face. One day her world would be turn upside down by the sudden immigration of her family to New York. Coming to New York was an exhilarating and terrifying thing for Helena. She had to learn English; she had to adapt to the different seasons. Helena noticed the difference when she started school. It was not a private Catholic school like the one back in her country it was a public school in Harlem and the kids weren’t as friendly. They made fun of her for her accent and because she could not speak English. Nevertheless, she persevered; she made friends, but it became awkward when they would ask about her father. Most of the kids came from a two-parent home. Back in the Dominican Republic she was raised by her grandma, aunts, and uncles, while her mother worked in New York for the American Dream, so it never bothered Helena that she was not raised by her father, nor did she ask her family about it.

Helena began to get curious about who her father was and if he thought about her as well. Her friends made her believe that maybe her father was just as excited as she was to get to know her. She began to ask her mother about him daily. She wanted to know what he was like; to see if they had some similarities. Her mother told her that he liked exercising, reading, and listening to music. One of his favorite songs was “If You Leave” by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark, which was featured in the 80s film, Pretty in Pink. Helena paid close attention to the little information her mother revealed about her father. Well, she thought, “at least we both like to read and listen to music.” When Helena turned thirteen, she told her mother that she would like to meet her father. When she flew to the Dominican Republic to visit the family she left behind, everything was arranged for them to meet. However, when this happened Helena was surely disappointed. This strange man was not enthusiastic about meeting his flesh and blood. Cheeky, how he was affectionally known by his family members, barely acknowledged her, his own daughter, besides greeting her with a dry “hello,” and never trying to get to know anything further about her.

As the years passed, their interactions were a few and far in-between. He would criticize her about her weight or how she looked, but never addressed her as his daughter. When Helena met him one last time in her thirties, he had just gotten out of jail and was a bit spooked about things. She learned that he was a fan of Dean Koontz and Stephen King. He apologized for how he treated and spoken to her, but shortly after that encounter they would never met again, even though they both lived in New York. Helena felt a void in her heart because of her father’s absence. It caused her to have low self-esteem and depression. Her connections with men were never positive. The men she dated were stoic like her father and never cared to know her; she only used her body to form a relationship, but in the end, they would leave her and move on to another leaving her desolate. She questioned who she really was and why no man wanted to be with her, for except a few fleeting moments. One day Helena decided she did not want to live like this anymore, so lonely, and empty. She was determined to find her self worth and strive to fulfill her dreams for higher education. She succeeded and in so doing formed lasting and meaningful relationships that thrive till this day. She learned that she had to love herself and that the absence of her father was not a reflection on who she was or is but that he made a choice, one that he would have to live with forever.