A Cry for Help

Paul, I spotted your poster stapled to a tree and feel I must respond. You and I share a bond that most people will never understand. You have lost your favorite black T-shirt, and I have lost my pants. They are not just any pair of pants. My pants are made from the best corduroy money can buy. They give off a rubbing sound when I walk. This vip-vip sound makes me the center of attention wherever I go. People stop and scan the area in search of this unique sound. I can see a look of recognition form across their faces as I pass by them. Oh, that’s where the sound is coming from, is what they’re thinking.

So you see Paul, I feel your pain. Maybe, as you continue your quest, you could share some details as to how you and your favorite piece of clothing became separated from one another. Did it fall out of a laundry basket on the way back from the laundromat? Perchance you took it off to catch some rays on the beach and a mischievous wind snatched it. Maybe your lover wore it home after a romantic encounter, wanting a reminder of you. The possibilities seem endless. Perhaps if you were to clear up the ambiguity, I would know where to look.

Unlike your dilemma, I know exactly where my pants are. You see, my boss’s schedule showed he would be away for three days. He returned on day two, creating a very awkward situation. As he was walking through the front door calling out, “Honey, I’m home,” I was bailing out the bedroom window without my pants. His wife spotted them on the bedroom chair and tossed them under the bed. I’ve been unable to retrieve them because he has been traveling less frequently.

I think that’s enough about my problem for now. Paul, I’m afraid you have a flaw in your poster, actually, several of them. Under the heading Hint, you talk about a red shirt. Am I looking for a red shirt or a black one? It’s a very important detail that needs to be clarified quickly if you expect to get your shirt back. You also stated that you, Envy, loosing your amazing red shirt. This must be a typo of some sort because the words envy and loosing just don’t fit.

There is one more thing I need to point out. I searched your phone number and found it listed under Scam Likely. It’s my guess that you don’t have a lost T-shirt at all. If I call that number, will someone try to sell me a car warranty or a Medicare Advantage policy? I’m sorry, Paul, but I’m afraid you are going to find that black or red T-shirt without my help.

In case you were wondering, my boss is leaving for three days next week. I’ll be getting my pants back soon.