A Case in The Countryside

It was a fine spring day; the blooming flowers painted a canvas across the rolling hills of Bonhema. Blue jays twittered and danced about, their merry songs carrying gracefully on the slight breeze that gently tossed the grass to and fro. But, for Edward Frumpton, it was too hot. It was almost always too hot for Edward, Ed to his wife, and Eddy to his friends. Perhaps it was being stuck directly in the sun. Perhaps it was due to him being slightly overweight while also being crammed into a far-too-stiff set of clothes. Perhaps he just ran hotter than most. Whatever the reason may have been, he was rather uncomfortable.

The cart he was sitting in rattled and rolled its way down a partially paved but mostly dirt road. Mercifully, he was alone, save for the driver. Edward wasn’t one to make much small talk. The frivolities of such were always the same and made for such a boring conversation. However, that wasn’t to say that he was interesting. In fact, most would describe him as a rather droll and dull fellow, to which he would take no offense. In his line of work, one needed to be droll and dull. It was the only way to make it through the weeks.

“Blast this dreadful heat.” He sulked, patting his forehead with a small cloth. It came away damper than he would’ve liked and he cursed himself for not bringing a spare.

“What was that?” The driver grumbled down to him.

“Pardon me, nothing. Just talking to myself is all.”

The driver let out a grunt. He was a small and hunched creature with scratched and dirtied clay-brown skin. A small hood hung over his eyes, saving them from the sun that tortured Edward so. His lower jaw stuck out a fair bit, his larger lower teeth protruding slightly over his dry lips.

Edward was startled out of his suffering by a small chiming sound. He dug into his many pockets and fished out his Jushi. He rolled the apple-sized orb so it was oriented properly (concave side down mind you, very important) and tapped it twice. A small feminine voice called out from it.

“Edward, are you there yet?”

“Not quite, I’m afraid. Likely a bit more to go still.”

“I see.” The scrawling of ink on parchment nearly drowned out the reply. “Well, try and make quick work of it then. Someone is accusing a guild of alchemists in Ahalos of making lead into gold, again.”

Edward groaned. “Again?”

“Afraid so. Let me know when you’re done and after you file a report, I’ll send you the information for that.”

“Vivian, it’s almost the weekend. I thought this would be it for the week”

“Hey, not my orders. Don’t curse the messenger. Just speed the cottage business along and deal with the alchemists as quickly as you can.”

“You know how they get. All their philosophizing and such. They’ll spend the better part of an hour trying to explain it all in the most roundabout way they can.”

“I’m sure you’ll manage just fine. See ya Edward.”

“Bye Viv.”

The orb, which had been emitting a faint glow, darkened back to its unassuming opal color. Edward stuffed it back into his pocket. He took his wire spectacles off and rubbed his eyes fervently before letting out a heavy sigh.

“Alchemists?” The driver leered down from his seat at Edward.

Oh great, small talk. Now Viv had gone and done it. “Afraid so. Can’t have them devaluing the currency and such. Would make for quite the economic disaster.”

“What did you say your job was again?”

“I don’t recall doing so.”

“So, what is it?”

Edward sighed quietly. “I work for the Bureau of Magical Regulations: Living or Otherwise.”

The driver’s expression soured. “Don’t much like the Bureau.”

“Oh?” Edward didn’t like goblins much either. However, he decided to keep that to himself.

“Always regulating where we can dig or if we’ve taken off too much cattle. Letting adventurers into our dens to slaughter us. You do us goblin-folk no favors, you lot.”

Edward patted his sweating head again. How much longer would he have to endure this nonsensical heat? “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m afraid I’m in no position to be making the rules. I just have to make sure procedure is being followed and address the situation is being ignored.”

“Why do you hate us so?”

Edward was considering banging his head into the wood until he went unconscious. “We try and keep it balanced and fair for everyone. If you want to file an official complaint you can feel free to do so. Our outreach department is renowned for being quick with action.”

The goblin scratched his extended chin thoughtfully. “Can I just file it with you?”

Edward tried his best not to hang his head in despair. He hated dealing with complaints. “If you must.”

“I think I shall.”

________________________________________

Mercifully, Edward's destination was not five minutes away. He dutifully, if not begrudgingly, scribbled down the goblin’s complaints. He had reached the third page when the driver paused and said, “Oh, here’s the place.”

“Capital.” Edward nearly leaped out of the cart. The weight of his large, wooden backpack the only thing preventing him from actually doing so. “I should be done in a jiff.”

The goblin hopped from the cart and settled himself under a tree. He produced a rather dirty root from his knapsack and took a large bite. “Suit yourself, I’m paid by the hour.”

“Indeed.” Edward strolled to the property he had been tasked to investigate. The Akiya cottage looked like it had been unattended to for some time. Not good. Edward retreated under the shade of a tree suitably far from where the goblin was relaxing. He set his uncomfortable burden down on the grass and stretched briefly, adjusting the belt around his slightly-too-tight pants.

He let out a small sigh and flicked a few latches on the box, causing the back section of the wooden backpack to spring out slightly. He shimmied out a flat section of wood, pulling at the collapsed legs that were concealed earlier. He set the small desk down in the grass and set the rest of the wooden shape in the grooves where it snapped into place.

With the motions of someone who had done this thousands of times, he began to assemble his workstation. He produced a Tawny Great Eagle feather (his favorite) and screwed on an inkbit. He set it down, gently, to his right on the desk. Next, an inkwell. A beautifully decorated vial that was set above the feather before uncorking the top. He slid open one of the drawers in the backpack and pulled out the appropriate scrolls. Setting two aside, he then unrolled the first, fitting it into metal clasps that held it open.

Following a vigorous cleaning of his sweaty glasses, he reviewed the case once more. Complaints of strange noises, eerie chanting, flickering lights on the property at night, the whole package. Neighbors had said the Akiya family had come into some money and moved to the city, leaving the property abandoned. Yet, all this strange activity was taking place. So, here Edward was.

He chewed on his lip as he read over the document before clicking his tongue. Why was he assigned to the paranormal issues? They knew he preferred the living part of “Living and Otherwise”, didn’t they? Edward flicked open a few more drawers in his backpack, muttering to himself as he did so.

“Kagadama, probably. Salt, most certainly. Purging stone, can’t hurt. Talisman of Sacrosanctity, absolutely. Graphite, paranormal investigation form PI-106, maybe not undead form 3300. Oh, perhaps a necromancer form as well. I’m sure form NC-5523 should do it.” He went about in such a manner until he had collected what he needed and began to walk towards the property, doing his best to stay in the shade.

Edward first poked his head around the back and let out a groan. A graveyard, just what he did not want to see. He’d look into it more later if need be. He made a quick scribble on the form in the proper area and walked back around the front. He gave the handle of the door a good try but it was stuck fast. Grumbling, he marched back to the desk and retrieved his kagiemo from it. With a bit of fiddling, the door gave way to the magic device and creaked open in the most unpleasantly ominous of ways.

He poked his rather round head in first before squeezing his equally round body in after. It most certainly looked abandoned. Some moth-eaten furniture here, crumbling walls there. Edward furrowed his brow and looked around the room with pursed lips. Trying the feel of a bookcase here, the sides of an old clock there. He snapped his fingers. The carpet. He squatted with a grunt and rolled it back, revealing an inset trapdoor.

“There you are.” He murmured to himself. Edward tended to talk to himself often. It drove his wife quite mad.

He shimmied around with his kagiemo and got the latch to click open. With another large grunt, he flung it open, revealing a dark abyss below. Edward let out a huff and fumbled around for his kagadama. He tapped the orb twice and it let out a soft glow. He promptly dropped it down the trapdoor. It fell some six feet or so before it stopped just above the ground, hovering. The radiance of the glow began to increase until the whole room was as well-lit as the outside. Just not as hot. Thank goodness.

The light revealed a rickety wooden ladder that Edward descended with some nervousness, hoping it would hold his considerable bulk. It did, even as it groaned considerably. When he reached the cellar floor Edward began to poke around, making notes on the form as he did so. Always in the proper section. The Bureau was full of sticklers, Edward being one of them. His strict adherence to rules had made him a bit of an easy target in his youth. But they couldn’t understand, most adults couldn’t either. The mangy goblin above ground certainly didn’t either. Without rules, the world would be C H A O S. And certainly, no one wanted that guy back.

So, Edward dutifully applied himself to his task, even if he didn’t care much for the paranormal parts of it. He especially was repulsed by ectoplasm, of which he found in spades in the corners of the cellar. Grimacing, he produced a small glass vial from another of his many pockets and a glass rod from another. He scraped some of the jelly-like substance into the vial. On the frosted glass, he made a note with the date and returned it to his pocket.

The stone walls were covered in runic symbols. Fresh ones too, as no dust had settled into the cracks. In fact, the whole area was remarkably less abandoned-feeling than the upstairs. Another set of notes was scribbled onto the form. He had set form PI-106 aside, those runes had to mean necromancer. He transferred his notes to form NC-5523 and neatly folded the other form into his back pocket. It would need to be disposed of later, following proper procedure of course.

Edward dutifully copied down the runes onto the parchment. Szalian runes were not his specialty and more often than not it took a few tries to get them right. At least it was cooler down here. Much better than writing it under the blasted sun.

Just as he was wrapping up the last set of runes, Edward heard what sounded like heavy footsteps above. He tilted his round head, ear pricked up. There it was again. The goblin? No. Far too heavy sounding.

Another thudding set of sounds, followed by what sounded like something heavy being dragged across the wooden floor. A barely audible groan moved through the air, seeming to shake the very building. It rose in volume, fading away after a bit. The hair on Edward's arms and what little he had left on his head began to stand on end.

“Drat.” He grumbled, hands diving into various pockets in various places until he dug out his packet of salt. He hurriedly made a circle around himself, making sure to seal it with his talisman. Bureau servicemen were protected by the power of the Bureau itself but better not to take chances. Just in time too, as a hooded phantom materialized just outside of the circle.

Cold sank its fangs into his skin and adrenaline coursed through his veins. Edward wanted to bolt; it was just human nature after all. But, running like a frightened schoolgirl wasn’t his job. So, he swallowed heavily and stood up straight, taking care to make sure his stomach didn’t break the seal of the salt circle.

“Good afternoon, dearly departed sir or madam.” He cleared his throat and continued. “I say, what brought you about to this state of being.”

The phantom unhinged its jaw like a snake. Its eyes popped and sizzled a violent red while skin sloughed off of its face. A terrible howl leaped from his far-too-large mouth and blood poured from its nostrils.

Edward coughed politely.

The specter’s face contorted, nose bending back over its face. Nostrils flipping inside out and folding over until the skull was spat out at its feet.

Edward looked at his pocket watch. This was taking longer than he would like. He was getting tired and still had alchemists to deal with. “Come, come. Enough with the nonsense.” He pulled out his purging stone and talisman. He unsealed the barrier briefly and none too gently bonked the ghost on the head with the stone. He moved back into the circle and resealed it. Probably not necessary, but it couldn’t hurt.

The face of the spirit had returned to normal. Normal as you can get for a ghost anyways. It looked rather perplexed at being bonked in such an abrasive manner. It blinked its red eyes a few times and shook its head.

“Now there, sir or madam. I ask again, what was it that brought you back in such a state.”

“Who are you?” It rattled out in a gnarled sort of whisper. “Weren’t you scared?”

“It was a marvelous performance, I do say. However, I fear I’m not the target audience for it.”

“Oh.” The being deflated considerably.

“Come, come. Out with it.” Edward snapped impatiently. “Necromancery, wasn’t it?”

The ghost eyed him suspiciously. “Who wants to know.”

“The bloody Bureau, that’s who. Now just out with it so we can both be on our way. I don’t feel like placing a bind on you.”

The ghost grimaced. “Someone by the name G’narlth the Reviver. He comes here every now and again. Don’t bind me, ok?”

“Could you spell that please?”

The ghost did.

“And about how often would you say he comes here?”

“Once a week or so.”

“When abouts did he raise you? Are there other spirits here?”

“Just me.”

Edward raised an eyebrow.

“It is just me.”

More scribbling on the form. It was almost sensual to Edward, a strange primal lust that was being slaked. The filling in of all those empty boxes. Everything being as it should. He nearly purred as the form neared its end.

“Now then.” He folded the form and graphite into his front pocket. “I’m afraid, seeing as you were summoned here against code NC-D45 section C part 37, you’ll have to leave. Unlawful haunting and all that. Can’t have that happening, can we?”

The ghost glared at him suspiciously. “You’re going to bind me, aren’t you?”

“For Cajhom’s sake,” Edward rubbed his eyes under his glasses. “Not if you just follow the rules. Now, do you want to keep being a ghost or should I send you back to Eineysia?

The ghost scratched its translucent chin. “Did I scare you? Earlier, before you went at me with that purging stone.”

Edward tried not to roll his eyes. “I was gobsmacked.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“Now you sound like my wife.”

“Would she be scared of me?”

“Petrified, I'm sure.”

“No sense in being a ghost if I’m not good at being scary. I wouldn’t want to be a bad ghost.”

“Fair enough.”

“So, how did I do? Can you rank it?”

“I’m afraid I left my HauR forms in the office.”

“Now you’re just being rude.”

“It’s a real form. Consult the Bureau if you think I’m making that up.”

The ghost resumed scratching its chin before shrugging. “Ah, why not? I’ll stay a ghost for a bit.”

“There’s a chap.” Edward produced a larger vial, covered in runes similar to that of the wall. He removed the stopper at the top and toed it out of the circle before sealing the salt back up. “In you go.”

“In there?”

“In there.”

“It’s not a bind, is it?”

“Certainly not, it’s a transport vessel for paranormal entities. There are plenty of registered unhaunted haunted houses in need of a ghost. Our people will run your profile with the HauR forms and set you up with somewhere you’ll thrive.”

“You’d do that for me?”

“Technically it's not me doing it but yes. I’ll fill out the requisite paperwork and you’ll be on your way. Now, I don’t mean to rush you, but I have a guild of alchemists turning lead to gold I would prefer to address before sundown.”

“They’ll devalue the currency if they do that. Too much gold and it loses its value.”

“I’m glad someone understands it.”

“I was an economy professor at the Archives, you know.”

“Fascinating. Now, if you please.”

The spirit looked disheartened but obediently slid into the bottle and Edward stopped it up. “Quite a talker, that one.” He said to no one in particular.

________________________________________

Under the late-afternoon sun, Edward once again hid beneath the shade of a tree as he put the finishing touches to the forms. He luckily had a few paranormal entity reassignment forms (PNER’s) on him and made short work of them. He filled out a Cease-and-Desist declaration and sealed it to the door of the residence. He made a few markings in Szalian at the corners of the property before casting a sealing spell. That should keep the necromancer out until the authorities got to him. Should be easier with a name.

“Done?” The goblin grumbled at him.

Edward had put all his belongings back into their respective drawers and snapped the desk into the proper place. He shouldered the uncomfortable box and moved to the cart. “Off we go.”

The goblin hopped onto his seat and snapped his reigns and the cart moved forwards. Sure, the heat was still uncomfortable, but a stronger breeze had whipped up, cooling the air. Despite his day not being over, Edward smiled. Nothing like a job well done.

His smile promptly fell off his face when the goblin said, “I wasn’t done with my complaint.”

Edward hung his head for a moment. He dutifully pulled out the half-completed form and began to, once again, listen to the long list of grievances.