A Bucket List for This Summer

"All right," she says. "We should definitely go swimming. I feel like it's not really summer if I didn’t swim at least once, you know? And then… maybe barbecue?"

"Barbecue sounds good," I agree.

"I will eat all the best things," she laughs. "Oh, and we should go on one of those little paddle boats on the lake! You know, those that look like swans. I want to ride a swan!"

"I'll put it on the list," I say. "What else?"

"I want to build a sandcastle. A really big one. A sand palace!"

"And we will have ice cream," I say.

"Yes, we shouldn't definitely forget the ice cream."

We fall silent for a moment. Then she says slowly: "This may sound silly… but what I'm really looking forward to is the sunrise. Sitting on the porch with the hot coffee, bare feet in the grass underneath, and just watching the sun go over the horizon. Feeling the first rays on my skin..."

"It's not silly," I say. "I'd like that too."

Another moment of silence.

"This is even sillier," she warns, a smile on her lips. "Remember the pear tree in your parent's garden that we used to climb all the time? And the treehouse? I feel like visiting the treehouse again." She pauses. "It's still there, isn't it?"

"Of course," I smile. "My parents say that they want my grandchildren to have it. I don't know how to explain to them this isn't happening anytime soon. Not in my early twenties. And you need a boyfriend for that kind of thing. Which probably isn't happening anytime soon, too. But I believe they will let us have it in the meantime. We had fun there."

"Oh, the childhood memories," she says, this time with a serious expression. "Don't you think it would be beautiful to go back in time, at least for a little bit?"

"Yes, it would," I agree. "At least for a little bit."

"We used to have that wooden swing, and compete who goes the highest," she sighs. "Straight into the sky. Like flying."

"Sometimes we were fairies…"

"And sometimes we were unicorns."

"And I was a knight and you were a princess, remember? You insisted it's time the princess saved the day, not the other way around. You were a kickass princess." I pause. "You still are."

"So that's settled. We will go visit." She nods. "What else should we do?"

"A bonfire?" I suggest.

"Oh, definitely! Put that on the list, will you?"

"Sure thing."

"And we should go to see the fireflies in the forest near the lake."

She pauses. "Keep the list for me, if…"

"When," I correct her firmly.

"Yes. When I wake up. We will do all of it this summer. A summer just for us… and all the little things."

"Those are the best. And we will do it. We will."

A knock on the door. The nurse peeks inside. "The visiting hours will be soon over," she warns.

"Okay, princess, I should get going." I try to keep my voice cheerful.

"This is it," she says. "Isn't it? I will see you… " her voice cracks.

"Yes," I say hastily.

This is the last day before the surgery. The list is our way to keep her tethered to life. We both know it's magical thinking… but we feel like the more things we add to the list, the more things she has to look forward to, the more likely it is that she will come back to do them with me.

I close the door behind me and lean my forehead to the wall. "Please, live," I whisper. "Live for the sunshine, for the lake, for the treehouse… for me."

I clutch in my hand the bucket list like a charm. All the simple and beautiful things you still want to do.

You learned the hard way that we don't own the future, we only borrow it for a little while. We have only the present moment.

Please, let us have those moments. Let us have the summer. And the summers after that… All the summers of a rich, fulfilled life.

I hold the list in my hand, eyes suddenly wet, and I pray.