2:34

Tick, now 2:35AM. Early, too early in the morning, and he is raging again. Raging, raging. I don’t want to talk about him. I don’t want to relive the nightmares. They feel too real. I’m sure it will pass, right?

I want to thank you, Spence. You always help me keep the bull quiet. When you’re awake, at least. You help me put the bull in the right place, with the right rage. But Spence, when are you going to tell her? You know this is killing me.

I am not scared to lose you, Spencer. I am not scared to lose you, I am fine with or without you, I repeat to myself as I try to keep the bull away, try to keep him at bay, at least for now. I am in the main floor washroom, doors locked; sitting on the floor, middle of the house, silent, paralyzed by the eerie silence. I don’t feel good. I do not feel good at all. Your creepy old house mate came back to his basement room to stay tonight, and I saw him for the first time. He looks like a predator, bad frequency and energy, miserable. I do not like him, I don’t want him here, living in our basement. We need to get him out, for sure. I do not feel safe; I do not feel safe at all, Spencer.

The bull is just absolutely raging inside me despite all my seemingly feeble attempts to calm him. He won’t stop, I absolutely can not make him stop. He is raging Spence, raging. Fuck. I don’t know whose voice I hear, but it enrages the bull. It’s not mine. It is in my head. It might be paranormal. Maybe an evil spirit trying to ruin me, maybe schizophrenia, I don’t know. The voice gets angry if I don’t listen to it, but all it tells me to do is destroy my life. My relationships. Sometimes it tells me good things, but it tells me to leave you, and that’s something I won’t do. It tells me you are better off without me, and that is something that I won’t hear. When are you going to tell her, Spence? When?

For God’s sake. I can’t stop the storms and crashes in my head, again and again. Makes me think of Elizabeth. Fuck man, how she lost her sister to drugs. Rather actually, car crash, sad death. She was so young. I never met her, but I bet she was super clever - if she was anything like Beth, which I am sure she was, she must have been amazing. Beautiful, inside and out. The pain in this world is heavy. Only the good die young, that’s for sure. She probably felt the bull too, I’m sure a lot of addicts do, and that’s why they have their addictions to distract him or keep him at bay. Lots of people live in this world without a worry or doubt about her pain - they do not have the bull. The bull is wise, the bull knows the world very well. He feels. He sees, he knows everything in this world is upside down and wrong. Not everyone has the bull inside, only a select few… today, we call ourselves “woke” – the bull is in so much pain, the bull knows, he sees and understands, he feels. It is not funny, not a joke. Reality. Poverty.

The nightmares feel too real these days, and they come back on repeat. The bull is behind me now in my psyche. Distracted, what was that noise? Spence?

It wasn’t one of you boys, was it? What was that?

I am so tired of being a petite, defenseless woman. Worried about my safety, more often than not my safety from bad men, rather – only ever about my safety away from men, day in and day out; 2:41.

Spence, I am petrified. I keep hearing noises through the house, as if someone is trying to be careful not to be heard and creeping around. I am livid. It must be him. Walking around the house at night like a weirdo because he knows there’s a young girl living here now, and he heard me leave our room to go to the washroom to sit on the floor and try to calm the bull as you sleep; Fuck.

I am not scared. I am not scared. I am not scared. I am not scared.

I am not scared; I try really hard to convince myself. I am not afraid of anything; I have the bull. The bull will keep me safe, if only I learn to tame him, how you tame him Spence. If only I learn to suppress and control the rage. Creak, creak, footsteps. What the fuck are all these noises? I am terrified. I want to wake you up, but I know you have to go to work in just a couple hours, and I don’t know if this is all just in my head – but, what are all these noises around the house?

I calmed down, I calmed down, back in our room now. I want you to tell her. I want you to be only mine, and mine only. I am not scared; I am not scared. I am not scared to lose you, I convince myself. I wish I could just drive over to your small-town and tell her myself. Your time with Spencer is up, he’s mine now, sorry Taylor. Again, the bull is raging, for God’s sake.

What was that noise? Damn it, you are sleeping. I am scared, what was that? Or rather, who? Who was that, Spence?

I hear footsteps up and down the stairs, coming to our bedroom door. Someone is walking around, and he wakes up the bull far past an anger stemmed from your soon to be ex-girlfriend still thinking you are with her, and he is awake again now. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I lock our bedroom door. The new guy who moved in downstairs? Or I mean .. Cody, right? I am frozen in fear and can’t move, while the bull rages creating storms inside my intestines, hurricanes in my veins, tornadoes in my psyche and forest fires rage through my central nervous system impossible to deny, impossible to ignore. Fear, paralysis, rage.

This fucking bull. This ravaging, raging, fucking bull. He is going to get out and get everyone isn't he Spence? Spence? When are you going to wake up? Spence, Fuck, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. For God’s … Sake… it’s taking over. My cells burn, each individual one with fire, tearing down each synapse in its path. That guy downstairs… I don’t feel safe. My thoughts feelings and sensations overload as the fear ravages through my body and turns into fire, a forest fire of individual cells burning together like one. You all told me he is a bigot, a hateful weirdo pig. Aggressive. Isolated. Sexist. Racist. Making some weird websites that no one cares about when he is here in his basement bedroom, spewing hate into this damaged world and, I don’t feel safe. The bull is piercings, stabbing, tearing at my skin. He is at the cusp, the melting point of no return and I let go. I stop resisting, and let go -I am not scared anymore. He is taking over Spence, I don’t know how to stop it, I don’t …Know How To St

Fire, fire, forest fire in my veins, through my soul and then Silence.

..Silence.

..Silence.

First, it was Darkness, then white, all white, and peace.

White, all white, and so much peace, like I have never felt before. Am I dead? I open my eyes and see that I am on top of a mountain. I don’t know if I am alive or dead, or how I got here. Maybe this is heaven. Did I really die? No, no, I am alive. I feel peace. Finally. Peace. The bull is gone, or at least quiet. Rather, on the contrary I realize; he is here, forever with me, forever within me, but he is at peace. Finally, at peace. He informs me he ate, he drank, that he is nice and full and is at peace, finally ready to leave me alone, for a while, at least. I am on top of a mountain, morning dew, right before the sun comes up. On top of a mountain, morning dew, right before the sun comes out, silence. How did I get here? I do not remember anything. Spence? Where are you? I hope you are okay; I know I would never do anything to hurt you. Spence? Where are you? I am not worried, I am at peace, I know you okay, I know you are with me, I know because my heart tells me so.

Birds sing for the sunrise in the distance , the realization I am nude hits me; but I do not care, I am not cold. I am warm and I am at peace; I am at peace. What is this blood? It is not mine, blood on my hands, but I am not bleeding, I am not hurt. I am at peace. I am at peace. Spence? Where are you? I wish you were here to feel this moment with me. I have never experienced such a beautiful silence, such a beautiful moment, such a still peace. I am at peace, for the first time, peace.

The last thing I remember is feeling like the bull was taking over. I blacked out, like I always do. Just fell asleep. What a nightmare, what a fucking nightmare. It was the same as always, just more intense and vivid with time. They feel so real, too real. Again, the bull ripped through me, through all of my skin and I was gone, I did not exist. It felt so real… It felt so real but I am here, untouched, only some stains of blood; but it is not mine. It was terrifying and felt so pure, like all the other ones, like all the other nightmares. He ripped through me, Spence. Ripped right through my consciousness again, through the seat of my soul and took over and got him, that weirdo from downstairs. I was right! In my nightmare, I was right - he was there at the door, just waiting for me to come out. But the bull got him Spence! He got him. Ravaged him, then he ran. He kept running and running. He had a sixth sense for tracking down scumbags and bad eggs. The rapists, the sexists, the sex offenders walking free. Just monsters in general, the bull has a sixth, seventh and eighth sense for all of them, each one of their kind.

It was amazing, maybe even a dream. He ran through the whole West Coast raging, ravaging and ridding the world of them all, sending them back to the Hell, right where they belong. It was these monsters that made him so angry the whole time, after all. It was the offenders walking free. The rapists. The racists. The sexists. The bad eggs, all the bad eggs. He got them all Spence! You should have seen it. It felt so real, these nightmares always, feel so real. Now he is calm; now he is calm and he can relax. Finally; finally. You should have seen it Spence… I wonder when he’ll have to do it again. Until then, I will simply enjoy this moment, enjoy this Zen; on top of a mountain, morning dew, right before the sun comes up. Zen… morning dew… right before the sun comes up.