18. "without self control"

ewee reluctantly took a step out of his room, solely because he felt that he had to after the command. The message of our knocks and hollers came through evidently, but he didn't get comfortable. He was convinced he had no reason to. Eyes squinting at the sunlight, which was still new and bright for him, he scanned over every one of our faces, one by one, expecting someone to say something before he did, or to come up with some explanation as to why we would bother him.

Nobody came forward.

"Need something?" He found himself having to ask on his own. His tone was steady, and it didn't seem off whatsoever. He appeared to be his normal and usual self, besides being maybe the tiniest bit less energetic, but that was understandable.

Unlike what we were trying to claim, he was coping a lot better than the rest of us were -- probably, and I intended to let myself be happy for him. We should be proud of him for being able to navigate his way through this. It's an accomplishment that people don't praise anyone enough for, but when it digested, I couldn't feel that way for very long.

What made him able to act like everything was normal when everything was definitely not? Was he actually okay, or did he not have enough emotion?

Hard to tell.

"They just want to talk," Jared said to him, automatically omitting his presence from the scenario. I'm clueless as to why, but I didn't push at it. If things were going to get anywhere, I didn't have the power to. I've lost respect for him over the last events, but for this, it was good that he was the one who communicated with Jewee, and I vowed I'd put up with everything I needed to for all of this to be over -- to get back to as close to normal of a life we used to have, despite the big changes and adjustments we'd have to make.

In the long run, isn't that for the better? Isn't it worth it to sacrifice my own comfort in the mean time if I can look back at it and be glad I was brave enough to make progress?

"Why? I'm blamed for it or--?" Jewee asked, blinking hard. He took a step back until his back pressed up against the door he stepped out of.

"No. It's not like that. Not even a little bit," I told him, using every gesture in the book to prove my reassurance and honesty.

He put his hand on the doorknob. "Nothing to talk then," he stated, confidently, turning around. "Bye."

"Wait--," I called after him.

Jared sighed, not intending for me to be able to speak. I didn't mind though. If anyone was going to convince Jewee to talk to us, it wasn't going to be me. It was going to be Jared. "Just tell them what you told me. Tell them what you saw. I would tell it, but I think they'll only believe it if they hear it from you."

The other three of us stared at him at the mention of that. The group has always had secrets. If I have to say so, I have some secrets of my own, but I've never seen it that bad. I thought we were as up front with each other as we needed to be. I thought our friendships were built on the truth. I thought that we all trusted each other, but when we lose one of us, that disappears, I've had to find out.

Jewee raised his eyebrows when he faced back toward us. "What? Is Jayvee--? She question me? Blame me?"

"What? No? Why would you even say--? Why would you think--? I never questioned you! I was just-- I was, you know -- I was speaking hypothetically. In an imaginary sense. I was just wondering if it could be possible, but I didn't blame you for anything," Jayvee's cheeks turned every shade of red you could think of in under five seconds. Only when it faded down to near-to her skin color, could she get herself to turn to Jared. "

"Why are the two of you keeping secrets from us, anyway?" She asked. "Shouldn't we share what we know? And why -- why is it that he automatically thinks it's me just because you ask him to tell us what he saw? Did you put him against me on purpose? Are you brainwashing him to be your little minion?"

"No? I'm not brainwashing him. It's not really hard to assume you were included in his story, is it? That's why he went directly to you. Yeah, I may have told him to say it only if you had suspicions on him and he took my advice, fair and square. I only told him to do that because haven't you seen how every time we bring up something suspicious suddenly we all turn against each other all over again, no matter how much we built it back up? I'm not trying to tear us apart. I'm trying to put us back together again."

"Lame-ass humpty dumpty bish," Nova huffed, talking under her breath. She was right to the extent that he failed miserably to make progress in getting us back together again, but I didn't act on what she said. I pretended I didn't hear it. After all, every single one of us have tried and failed to figure out how to go about this. Maybe he meant well. Maybe he didn't. Who are we to know?

"So, Jayvee is included in your story," I took the spotlight in order to drag this along. "You saw Jayvee before the incident then, I'm assuming? What was she doing that stood out to you?"

Jewee froze upon the question like it was a magic spell, and he tried to bring his eyes anywhere else as long as he didn't look into mine. That's when it dawned on me. This kid has gotten from that trickle of guilt in his expression before to acceptance fast, because he gave himself the closure on whatever basis that it took, and that meant he was lying to himself this entire time. We couldn't be sure of anything yet, but he was.

That's what happens when you lie to yourself. You start to believe it, but the truth in him that stained him of dark colors and evils whether that was his fault or someone else's, hesitated to expose itself when those lies painted over top.

He's began to create a culprit in his head, and now that he had to explain why that person was a culprit, he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready because at the very bottom of his collections of ideas and thoughts, he knew that the details he knew that we didn't, still wasn't near to everything. He knew that if he said what he saw, he wouldn't be okay anymore. He'd feel empty again -- or he'd feel guilty, and maybe in some sick way, that's how he was supposed to be feeling.

None of us could know that besides him, and for whatever exact reason it was, he didn't know if it was a risk he wanted to take, yet here we were not showing any courtesy. I don't think we knew how to. We were desperate -- desperate for answers and for peace, and we didn't want to show anyone courtesy if there was even a one percent chance they didn't deserve it.

As a child, with bright innocent puppy-dog eyes, he fell upon Jared for permission to go on, but more than that, for permission to stop -- to give him a reason he didn't have to continue.

Jared moved him forward.

"They were-- they -- they fight," he blurted out, before he accepted that he was saying it himself.

"Who? Who fought?" Nova asked. She became distanced to the conversation, and considering that she got two confessions of love in the same day, it wasn't that shocking, but she let herself be part of the conversation now.

"Jayvee and Ryan," Jared added on, knowing the story. Because we knew Jewee started off the conversation, we decided he could be trusted with the context.

"Jewee arrived after Jayvee and Ryan did, and when he saw Ryan heading to that room, he was a little absent-minded, and he just followed whoever he saw. He snapped out of it when he got a peek inside and saw them screaming at each other in there -- surrounded by a bunch of wires and blinking lights and that crap. He ended up back in our room before they finished. He didn't want to involve himself in their business. From my understanding based on how he described it, he left them behind in the room with all of the tech stuff, the one that gives the monitors in every room power or something."

"The one that can turn the lights out when a shooter would need the lights to be out? Hm, convenient isn't it?" Nova said bitterly. "What the heck were you doing in there, Jayvee?"

"I wasn't there. That's not true. I left the room before the session started, yeah, but to go to the restroom. You probably misunderstood him, Jared," Jayvee denied it. I couldn't tell if she was lying by the look on her face, but I didn't see why Jewee would lie either -- and Jared was so in detail about it for it to be nonsense fiction. It was easier to believe that she was the one making stuff up.

"There's a restroom in room 327 though. Why would you go to the general restroom?" Jared questioned her.

"That's because-- it's because it was in use. Time was ticking closer to the start of the seminar. I didn't want to have to piss then, alright? It's not that deep. Let a girl take a pee."

Jewee held a big breath of air in his cheeks, letting it out slowly. "Not misunderstanding. I saw you. I know. That room and so many lights -- you're there. And I saw -- I saw you hit him."

Nova closed in on Jayvee after hearing the word "hit" like a dog trained to attack anyone who trespassed onto their property, and on her face was the expression of pure wrath and destruction. She hated this woman, more than anything else in the world. In the universe. "You hit him? Why would you hit him? If I was his girlfriend, -- if he would've accepted me, then he would've never been hit. He would've been treated like gold. You disgust me, Jayvee. You got the love of the perfect guy, and you weren't even thankful. You didn't even spend every second of your time proving to him that you loved him and that you wanted forever with him?"

Jayvee's muscles went out on her, and at her knees she fell to the ground unable to hold herself up any longer. Nova towered over her, waiting for her to say something -- to explain, and she had no sympathy for her despite the weakness that suddenly came out on her. She didn't care. She wanted a reason good enough not to punch her in Ryan's revenge -- not to kill her, maybe, and her words were her last chance to come through as a savior.

"I hit him. I did. I hit him in that stupid, stupid tech room because he told me goodbye. What's perfect about that?" She admitted, frustrated. "But I didn't know that goodbye would be like this. I didn't know that goodbye meant he was gonna be gone forever."

I was fooled. I felt compassion for her, but for Nova that wasn't possible.

"Oh, really? But that doesn't make sense, does it? Because after he apparently told you goodbye, he announced your relationship to everyone back in room 327," she said through clenched teeth. "Then tell us the story. Tell us what happened, and this time, try being honest. I think you've learned fast too, that lying isn't going to do you any good."