11:47 PM

Trigger Warning: Abusive relationship

Brrring. Brrring. I open my eyes just enough so that I can see a sliver of light peek through my sparsely spaced eyelashes. I drape my hand over the bed to turn my alarm off. I stare at the speckled ceiling above me and just know. How do you know? You just do. And then you decide. Today is going to be the day.

I get up and sink my feet into the plush blue rug that Hayes left behind. I insisted on getting the orange one, but she put her foot down for the blue. That little argument ended with a new pinkish-blue friend on my upper arm. It stayed for a while actually, about 3 weeks. It’s funny, something as simple as the color of a rug can warp the trajectory of your entire relationship. Whoever said IKEA dates were the gateway to marriage sure got it wrong.

I sift through my clothes to pick out something to wear for the day and look down at my legs. Stubbly. Hayes hated hair on a woman. I remember the countless amount of times I would drop everything I was doing to jump into the shower before she got home from work to shave for her. Well, doesn't matter now I suppose.

I sift through my closet before my fingers land on a lavender floral print dress. I’ve never been a big fan of soft colors, but Sam always told me I rocked it. You know a compliment is sincere when your sister tells you. Friends, acquaintances, and lovers can all lie to you. Hell, I mean, even your own mother, can lie to your face and say you look good when you don’t. But sisters? You’ll get the raw truth no matter how brutal or cruel. Sam had always been my role model, so that lavender dress quickly become one of my favorites until Hayes commented on the accentuated food baby it produced on me after I wore it out for one of our dates. I hesitate for a brief second before moving onto a plain black dress that drapes past my knees, concealing my unshaven legs.

As I finish getting ready, I grab a banana and start my walk to work. As I plug my earbuds in, I let the sweet sound of Cat Stevens envelop around me as I think back to the night I first met Hayes.

***

Hayes Lee was both charisma and charm wrapped up in a 5’10” body full of soft curves and smooth olive toned skin. To say she stood out was an understatement, especially in a town as small as mine. She wore a fuzzy polka dot parka and tall white boots, the kind I always wished I could pull off. With her quick wit and eccentric style, I was instantly drawn to her. I always thank my lucky stars that I was the only waitress working the night shift that day. She walked with strut and class, her jet black hair swishing past her shoulders as she grabbed a booth seat. I just knew the instant I saw her that I would never be good enough, but I sure as hell would try.

I went home with pure giddiness that night. As I walked upstairs to my bedroom, I saw Sam’s room open ajar and waltzed in, beyond euphoric.

“Someone looks happy,” Sam said, quickly placing her journal down.

“I am. Am I crazy to say I’m ready to bring a U-Haul to my next date with her?”

Sam let out a snort. “Well, I wouldn’t know, but what’s that saying they have about lesbians and second dates?”

I threw a pillow her way as we both laughed. "C'mon Cass, what's so different about this one," Sam said as she threw the pillow back my way.

“She's different. I don't know. She makes me feel lucky.”

"You barely know her! Just remember, you're the prize here baby. Shall we do a little sleepover in the barn tonight?"

"Uh, yes!" I said as I gave Sam a big, sloppy kiss on her cheek. She laughed and we grabbed our pillows and made our way to the backyard. When Sam and I were younger, we would beg our parents to let us sleep in the barn. It was an escape from our crazy parents and their strict rules. Okay, I don't mean crazy crazy, but they wouldn't even let us go over to our friends' homes for fear that we would get drugged or lord knows what else. Even without their permission, Sam and I would still sneak in a few barn nights. We actually saw an owl our first night in the barn. I remember getting up in the middle of the night to pee, and there it was, its giant glowing eyes staring right at me. I woke Sam up and we both stood in complete silence, looking at it until it finally fluttered its wings and flew up in the sky.

As we grew older, we spent less and less time in the barn, but Sam never failed to initiate them whenever one of us had good news.

When we reached the barn, we stopped dead in our tracks. There was an owl smack dab in the middle of the barn roof.

"Sam, are you seeing what I'm seeing?"

Sam rolled her eyes and said, "No, I most definitely don't see the giant owl on the rooftop."

"Hey, I'm just saying! Maybe this owl represents good luck. Maybe with Hayes? I mean, what are the chances? And Sammy, maybe you'll finally hear back about that college in New York! No more community college nonsense."

“Cass, you know what owls symbolize? In a lot of cultures they symbolize death.”

I looked over at Sam with a puzzled look.

“Geeze, way to kill the mood. I highly doubt that, I mean, you always told me owls were your favorite animal! Why else do you collect all those owl figurines? Now you’re telling me they symbolize death?”

Sam smiled as she interlocked her pinky in mine.

“Death doesn’t always mean literal death. And it isn’t always a bad thing. It can be freeing, even illuminating in some ways, you know? It’s shedding the shell of the person you used to be. Like new beginning. Death isn’t always death Cass- it can be an escape.”

I playfully shoved her into the barn to our makeshift hay bed as we got ready for bed. As I leaned over, I looked at Sam and thought about how much I would miss her. We're only a year apart and I always thought we would get out of this town together. Sam always talked about doing it herself, but never made the jump.

I guess I never realized that Sam was being serious. About the escape, I mean. My sister was always a free spirit, looking to be wild and free in every which way possible. I guess she finally got her wish. I just wish it didn’t mean leaving me behind in the dark.

***

As I took my third table at work, I slowly found myself zoning out as the faces of the customers blend together and the smell of greasy burgers embed into my clothes, draping over me like a perfume. Ding! Ding! As I turned back around to the counter to grab the orders, I noticed the carrot cake sitting untouched in the display case. In my zoned out state, I accidentally knocked the coffee pot over, the hot liquid sloshing down my dress and dripping all the way down to my exposed skin. As my coworkers rushed over to help clean up, I ran to the bathroom, fighting back the tears gathering in my eyes. I slammed the door behind me and clicked the lock as I sank down to the dirty floor, staring at my bright red flesh where the coffee spilled. I looked until I had to blink, the teardrops falling past my cheeks and onto my chapped lips. And then I sobbed. I sobbed until I couldn’t there was nothing left in me.

***

It was the night of my birthday when it first happened. Well, if I’m being frank with myself, I suppose it was the third time it happened. But that night… that night was on a different level. Hayes and I had been dating for around 5 months at this time, it doesn’t seem that long, but it was long enough for me to know. Sam and I always went to the duck pond on the morning of my birthday, it reminded me of when we were younger and would take the remains of our morning biscuits down to the ducks. Hayes never wanted to do anything I really enjoyed, but I would never push her enough, so I did feel like it was somewhat my fault. I should speak up more, I know. I came back to the apartment and found the lights dimmed. The feeling of fear and dread kicked in; I could already feel my palms slick with sweat and hear my accelerated heart beat from my ears. I slowly walked around the hall to find Hayes standing by the kitchen table with a small carrot cake, the candle already lit on top. She beckoned me over with a smile on her face.

“Happy birthday Cassie! Come, hurry! Let me take a cute video of you blowing out the candle.”

I hesitantly walked over to the table with a nervous smile on my face. I couldn’t stop playing with the threads of my loose sweater. I couldn’t make my eyes meet hers. I couldn’t stop my heart from beating faster.

Hayes reached over and grabbed my arm, hard.

“Come on! You are the most sluggish excuse for a human being I’ve ever met, geeze. I’m trying to do something nice for you, it’s your birthday. I got your favorite carrot cake. Don’t know if it’s anybody else’s favorite though, ha.”

I tried to smile just the right amount and have the perfect reaction, but it was too late. Hayes jerked my arm back and narrowed her piercing eyes in my direction.

“What… did you think I’d forget? Why do you always view me as a piece of shit Cassie?”

I immediately went over to her to reassure her.

“I’m so sorry... no, no… I would never view you like that babe. I’m sorry for not being appreciative. Thank you for remembering that I love carrot cake, this is great. I’ve just had a day… I’m sorry for taking it out on you.”

Satisfied with my reply, she reached for her phone and grabbed my face, pushing it close to hers as she snapped a shot for her social media. Hayes always told me that the cute, spontaneous couple photos trended well in likes on her page.

“Smile!”

I plastered a small grin on my face as my eyes blankly stared at the wall ahead instead of the phone. Hayes let go of me as she looked through the several photos she took and let out a big huff.

I knew, in that very instance, that I was in trouble.

And I was right.

She threw her phone at me and pushed me to the ground.

“Why do you always look so miserable? I mean, I heard you and Sam facetime the other week and you never laugh like that with me. Is it really that hard to be around me? All I try to do is make you better. We’ve been dating for what, like half a year now? You’ve lost that extra weight you’ve been whining about, dressing better, and looking less like a man. I’ve devoted all this time and energy to you and what, you can’t even pretend to look happy?”

I slowly shrunk back and felt smaller with each word that came out of Hayes’ mouth. I looked down at my chipped red nail polish on my toes, intently focusing on the jagged nail of my big toe. Hayes and I were on a hike when she pushed me to go faster, causing me to fall and rip half of my toenail off. I apologized for not keeping up. When I first met her, I told her I was a great hiker. What lies. I deserved that one.

I felt her hands grip both my shoulders as she forced me to meet her eyes.

“Hello? Are you even listening to me?”

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry. I just… I’m not being fair to you. You’re not the piece of shit, I am. I… I just feel ugly today and bloated and just out of it. I’m sorry. You’re everything to me Hayes.”

Hayes loosened her grip on me as I finally exhaled. She always loosened up when I told her how I was feeling, when I would talk about my deepest inner fears and self consciousness. That’s how I know she cared. I know she loved me. She just wanted to help me be the best version of myself. Because that's what partners in a relationship do.

She gave me a small smile and kiss.

“It’s okay, we’ll work on that tomorrow.”

***

I finally got up from the bathroom floor and gripped the sides of the sink, staring at my blank face in the mirror. The girl in the mirror had heavy bags under her eyes, pale skin with remnants of acne scars, overgrown brows, and dull irises that had lost their vibrant blue hue. I don’t know who she is. I don’t know who I am.

I looked around the hallway as I stepped out of the bathroom and quietly slipped out the back door. As soon as the fresh air hit my face, I started running. There’s something so exhilarating about running, especially when you’re running without a destination in mind. I finally came to a stop when I reached the old duck pond and plopped down on the grass. As I laid down, I felt the warmth of the sun envelop me as I reached for my phone and dialed the number I knew by heart. After hearing the voicemail beep, I took a deep breath and unraveled through my words.

Later that night, I took a steaming hot bath. I love baths, there's just something so cleansing about them. As I got out and rubbed coconut oil all over myself, I stared in the mirror. Better.

I looked out my window and thought, how do you know? How do you know? I don't know. I thought I knew this morning, but do I?

It's right then that my phone rings. Startled, I jump back, but peer at the phone screen.

Sam.

I leap towards my phone and look at the time. 11:47.

".... Sam? Sam? Is that you?"

"Cass.... It's me. I got your message. Cass... I... "

I looked out my window and hold back my tears. I notice an owl perched on top of the tree branch and smile.

I cut Sam off as I say, "Guess what? There's an owl outside my window."

"Yeah? Well you know what happened the last time I saw an owl," Sam said as she let out a chuckle.

"I do. I don't blame you for leaving Sam. It was time for you. How's New York? How's everything? I... I really miss you."

"Well, turn around and give me a hug then."

I turn around and see Sam, in full flesh. I blink a few times as my brain tries to decipher if I'm dreaming or not.

I slowly walk over and fall into the comfort of my sister's arms, sobbing uncontrollably.

***

So, how do you know? Well, you don't. At least, never fully. It's hard to start again. It's hard to know that you're worthy. It's hard to leave behind the person you were. It's hard to believe that you deserve to be free. But I do. We all do. We all owe it to ourselves to have a second chance because, hell, who gets it right the first time?