109 Steps

109 Steps

D. A. Ratliff

Content warning: Suggestion of suicide

I counted them. 109 steps. One step after another, the metallic clang of the expansion material resonated in the still morning air trapped within the lighthouse tower. I arrived before everyone else for a reason. They knew I was terrified of heights and would taunt me to climb the steps. I would beat them and climb at my pace when I chose without my ‘friends’ calling me a scaredy cat.

I owed it to her. Those of us left behind vowed the day she died that we would return in twenty years for our college reunion. Twenty years passed, and here we were, remembering our friend.

The wind whipped on the walkway that wound below the giant lantern. My body shook from fear. The walkway was narrow, and I had a death grip on the railing. I inched my way around until I was at the spot where she went over the rail. I kept my eyes on the horizon, focused on early morning sailing students, their small one-sailed dinghies lashed together, cutting through the water. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and leaned over the rail.

When I opened my eyes, the ground seemed to rush toward me and race away simultaneously. What had once been a grassy area was now paved with bricks recording the names of donors who provided funds for restoration. But I remembered when we found her. Her body, broken in the fall, her blood soaking into the sandy soil, lay forever etched in my mind.

I pushed my body back against the white-washed brick wall and willed my racing heart to calm. To this day, I will never believe she jumped to her death. Never.

~~~

I sat on a bench facing the bay, soaking in the warm briny air, dazzled by the sparkling water. I heard them coming down the path from the parking lot. The squeal had to be Loraine. She was always overly excitable and more concerned about her pageant gowns and latest starring role in the drama club. I wasn’t being fair. She was very talented and had been in a few supporting roles on Broadway.

As they reached the lighthouse, they stopped. “Where is Natalie? She said she would meet us here.”

I didn’t say anything. Finally, Celeste looked over her shoulder. “Oh, for goodness’ sake, Nat, why didn’t you say something?”

There was a flurry of hugs before we settled down. In addition to Loraine and Celeste, Verita also came. She was the kind one among us. She never forgot anyone’s birthday, brought cupcakes or cookies for no reason, volunteered to get homework assignments when we were sick, and provided emergency clothing assistance for special dates. It didn’t surprise me that she brought flowers.

Verita pointed upward. “Don’t you think we should go up? I thought we’d scatter the flowers over the railing for Sara.”

The idea of flowers falling over the edge to honor Sara’s memory didn’t sit well with me. “No, Verita. We are not throwing flowers to honor Sara jumping off this lighthouse. And I doubt the park rangers want plants raining down on the tourists. We can place the flowers appropriately when you come down.”

Celeste cocked her head at me. “You aren’t coming?” There it was, that snarky edge I was expecting. Celeste was a master at snark.

“No, I’m not. I paid my respects before you got here.”

Loraine caught my eye and nudged Celeste. “Let’s leave the flowers with Nat and go on up.”

I waited, once again gazing out at the bay. They yelled at me from the walkway, and I waved and took the obligatory photos while wondering why I had come. Sara had been my best friend since we were three. Then one night, she was gone for no reason.

When they came down, we walked to the water’s edge, just past the lighthouse, where gentle surf washed over the rocks. As I stood there, the fragrant bouquet of lilies, roses, and freesias wafted above the salt-scented air, and in my mind’s eye, I could see Sara, bright red hair, laughing. She always declared the lighthouse as her favorite place in the world. She came here when she was happy, sad, or needed to be alone. And she was alone that night, so everyone thought. But that would mean she died alone, and I knew better.

“Nat, you should say something.”

I gazed at the water, conscious of the lighthouse towering over us. “Sara Lindstrom loved this beautiful island. One of the reasons she convinced me to come to college here. She tossed a photo of the lighthouse at me after we returned to Atlanta following our college visit and laughed, declaring, how could we not come here? We enrolled, and it was an incredible four years until she was gone.” I didn’t try to stop the tears flowing down my face. “Sara, you were more like a sister to me than my own flesh and blood. I will love you and miss you forever.”

Verita hugged me, and then, one by one, each of us threw flowers from the bouquet into the water. Loraine and Verita echoed my words for her, but Celeste said nothing. Why should she? She was the only one who benefited from Sara’s death. She married the man that Sara loved.

~~~

Somehow I endured the remainder of the day. We walked around the park and then had lunch at a bistro on the island. A Bellini helped me relax and cover my decidedly unhappy mood. Loraine seemed to sense I was distracted and pressed me a bit.

“Nat, you need another Bellini. You seem preoccupied.” She paused, probably realizing what she had said. “I know this is a difficult visit for you.”

Celeste was a bit blunter. “Tough knowing Sara died, but it was so long ago.” She added. “You must be sad that your husband couldn’t come.”

I forced myself to smile. “Of course, it’s tough. We had been friends since we were three, so losing her hurts every day. The good thing is that Daniel is flying in tomorrow morning and will be here for the game and the banquet. He and the kids fly to Orlando tonight. His parents will keep the kids until we head back to mouse land on Sunday.”

Loraine squealed again. “It will be so good to see Daniel again. Is he still a scout for the Braves?”

“Yes, he is. Keeps him gone far too much, but he loves it.”

Loraine then turned to Verita and Celeste. “Well, I’m the only one who has dumped two husbands here, so tell me, gals, how are your hubbies doing?”

Celeste’s face paled, and I noticed Verita glance at her, then quickly at me, before she spoke. “Carlos is great, his law practice is doing great, and the kids are doing wonderful.”

I nodded. “From the last photos on Facebook, they certainly have grown.”

She laughed. “Fifteen, eleven, and six, what were we thinking!”

Loraine must have noticed Celeste’s reaction as well. “And you are quiet about Elias. How is he? Always one of my favorites.”

“He’s fine. He’ll be with us tonight. Now, where should we go after this? I want to stop by the bookstore. I promised the kids I would get them new t-shirts.”

Celeste seemed reluctant to talk about Elias, but she might have been trying to spare my feelings. Sara and Elias were an item until a few weeks before she died. Everyone assumed she jumped off the lighthouse because of a broken heart. That might be, but I still didn’t believe Sara threw herself off that walkway.

Dropping my rental car off at the hotel, Loraine drove us around for the afternoon. We visited a few boutiques, stopped for ice cream at our favorite parlor, and shopped at the college bookstore before parting to get ready for the evening’s alumni events.

I had just gotten out of the shower when Daniel called. “Hey, babe, just arrived and waiting for the luggage. How are you doing?”

“Good to hear your voice. I’m okay.”

“I don’t think so. I know that voice too well. This was a tough day for you. I should have been with you. “

“But you couldn’t, and that’s fine. I climbed the lighthouse before anyone got there.”

“By yourself and as afraid of heights as you are. Pretty brave, baby.”

“Not sure how brave, but I did it. I had to do it. She loved that lighthouse. Daniel, Sara didn’t kill herself. She wouldn’t have done that.”

“I know you have always felt that way, but the police found no evidence anyone else was there.”

“I’m being foolish. I know that.”

“No, you are not.” Nat heard a loud horn. “Luggage is here, and Dad just texted that he’s circling arrivals. I’ll call you when we get to the hotel.”

~~~

Friday night of Alumni Weekend consisted of a parade through campus, a pep rally, and tents set up around the main campus driveway for individual graduating classes to hold receptions. Alumni, students, and football fans crowded the narrow sidewalks.

I held back a bit, walking behind my friends as we looked for a spot to watch the parade. I knew coming would be difficult. I had kept in touch with these women over the years, but being here with them now was awkward. No, not all of them. Loraine was her usual fun, warm, inviting self. She might always be ‘on’ because of her career, but she had always been straightforward. Verita was our glue and the one who kept us sane during college. She was warm and friendly each time I had been in contact with her, in person or online. This weekend, she was quiet and detached. It was Celeste that concerned me the most. There was a change in her that I didn’t understand. Tonight was the first time I’d seen her with Elias after all these years. I had not attended their wedding. I blamed it on being close to delivering my first child, but I couldn’t watch her marry the man Sara loved. The other times we had seen each other, she had always joined us alone.

Lost in thought, I walked into Loraine, who grabbed me as I nearly stepped off the curb.

“Nat, what’s wrong with you?”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not, and I know why.” She grabbed my hand and pointed toward an empty bench near the museum. “Sit.”

I sat, and she plopped down beside me. “You know, I have spidey sense too. Something is wrong here, Nat, and I can’t get Verita to tell me, and Celeste won’t even talk to me. And there is a chill in the air tonight, and this is Miami. It’s hot. I am getting bad vibes from Celeste and Elias. “

I was surprised. “You too? I thought it was just because… well… you know.”

“Because Elias was madly in love with Sara and then, all of a sudden, broke up with her weeks before graduation?”

“I had a tough time coming to terms with the fact that he married Celeste.”

Loraine leaned back, crossed her arms, and sighed. “I wasn’t surprised.”

My head jerked around. “What do you mean?”

“I never had proof, or I would have said something.”

“Proof of what?”

“I’m pretty sure Celeste was chasing him. One night after the dress rehearsal for a play, a group of us went to an all-night pancake place. I was looking over the menu but glanced out the window and saw them sitting in a car. They were arguing.”

“Did they see you?”

“No. But Nat, this was on a Thursday night and….”

“And he broke up with Sara after your play.”

“I don’t know what to think.” She grunted. “I should have told you, but I got busy, flying to New York City on the weekends to be in that silly off-off Broadway play. Then she was gone.” Loraine’s voice broke. “Nat, I’m sorry. Maybe if you had known, you could have helped her.”

“No, no one could have.” I decided to tell her my fears. “Loraine, I have never believed that she killed herself. I think someone pushed Sara off the lighthouse.”

“What? Why do you think that?”

“Because she loved life so much. I know she loved Elias, but she would have gone on. Her family, and her friends, all meant too much to her. She wouldn’t have left us.”

“But who, who would have… No. Are you suggesting Elias?”

“No, I don’t—I don’t know.”

Verita’s husband, Carlos, walked over to us. “You two okay?”

Loraine laughed. “Fine, just resting a bit. We’ll join you in a minute.”

As he walked back to the group, Verita glanced at us and smiled. I noticed Celeste turned quickly and then looked away. The one thing I did know is that Loraine was correct. The vibe among us was dreadful.

After the parade and the pep rally, we walked to our class reception. It was after eight p.m., but we found a table in the crowded tent. I volunteered to hold our spot while everyone got food. When Verita and Carlos returned, I went to get a plate.

I was getting a drink when I noticed Celeste and Elias near the tent entrance, and they were arguing. I wasn’t close enough to hear them, but there was no doubt they were pretty angry. Elias left, and Celeste hurried to the table, grabbed her purse, and left.

Loraine caught my eye as I sat down, but Verita quickly said. “Celeste and Elias had to leave. Something about the babysitter. Said they would see us tomorrow.”

Why didn’t I believe that?

~~~

Dan’s plane was due in at nine, and he was taking Uber to the hotel. I hadn’t slept much and was downstairs waiting for him. To say I was happy to see him was evident to anyone watching us.

“Hey, babe, you okay?” I nearly tackled him when he walked into the lobby.

“Sorry, just been a very trying day, and I missed you. How are the kids?”

“Mom and Pop are taking them to the Space Center today, so they are happy. What’s on the agenda?”

“We are due to get on the bus at ten-thirty to go to the game. There’s tailgating. The game starts at one p.m., and the banquet is tonight at seven.”

“Full day! Let me take my bag to the room, and then you need to tell me why you are so rattled.”

“You know me too well.”

He laughed. “That skill has served me well.”

~~~

My anxiety level decreased now that Dan was with me, but it had not gone away. The fact that neither Celeste nor Elias came to the football game surprised us. Avid sports fans Dan and Carlos sat together and chatted about football and baseball the entire time. Loraine and I sat together, but Verita sat on the other side of her husband. After the game, while everyone was celebrating our victory, I held back and stopped Verita.

“We haven’t had much time to talk, and I feel something is wrong. Tell me.” Her eyes darted around, looking at everything but me. “Verita, look at me. What’s wrong? Why aren’t Celeste and Elias here?”

“Nothing’s wrong. They had something they had to do with the kids. You’ll see them tonight. Excuse me. I need to call my kids and see how they are.” She tapped her phone and rapidly walked away.

Dan turned to find me and held out his hand. I was glad to have him here.

~~~

“You look beautiful.”

I glanced over my shoulder at Dan’s handsome face. “You always say the nicest things to me.”

“I always tell the truth.” He patted my shoulder. “Ready.”

I picked my evening bag off the dresser. “Not really.” I turned toward him. “I don’t know why this weekend has been so tough. I know it’s brought back many memories I didn’t want to have, but I knew coming here would do that. There is something else. I feel like there are secrets hidden too long.” I leaned against Dan’s chest. “I can’t explain it. Maybe I’m just overanalyzing everything. It’s like everything’s magnified.”

“Do you want to forget the banquet and head for Orlando tonight?”

“That’s tempting, but I can’t run. “

“That’s my gal. Never run from a problem. Let’s go pick up Loraine. I’m hungry.”

We valet parked at the hotel and walked into the lobby with its marble floor, columns, and soaring ceiling. Verita and Celeste were waiting for us.

Loraine plopped down next to Celeste on an overstuffed couch. “Where are your better halves?”

Verita pointed to the front desk. “They’re getting information about playing golf here. Been years since they played this course, and Carlos figures the greens fees are astronomical.”

Dan nodded. “Playing golf has always been a rich man’s sport, but now more so.”

We made small talk until the guys returned, then joined the reception. I ran into a few of my old classmates, and Dan and I chatted with them. When someone finds out Dan is a scout for the Atlanta Braves, talk usually turns to sports. We didn’t join the others until the call for dinner.

The tension in the air was palpable. Verita and Carlos were quiet, eyes cast anywhere but at us, and Celeste sat alone. Loraine gave me a side glance when we approached the table. Bless my husband. He asked what I was dying to ask.

“Where’s Elias?”

Celeste replied cryptically. “He’s on a phone call.”

A glass tinkled, and the evening’s host rose to say a few words as the salad course arrived. A few minutes later, Elias returned.

“Sorry, I had to make a phone call.” He dug into the salad as Celeste glared at him, then turned away.

We sat at a ten-top table, so three people we didn’t know were sitting with us. Midway through the main course, one of the women asked about our families. Celeste seemed reluctant to speak, and Elias said nothing. Loraine decided to speak for them.

“Well, I told you about my life, no kids and far too many husbands, but Celeste and Elias have been married for seventeen years and have two great teenagers. Tell them about your kids, Celeste.”

Celeste closed her eyes as if to compose herself and began to tell them about her kids, who were gifted students and musicians. As she spoke, she became more animated, talking about her family, but when she began to talk about their upcoming family cruise, Elias pushed away from the table and stood.

“Excuse me. I’ll be back.” He stalked out of the banquet room. Celeste, her eyes blazing, stood up and followed.

Loraine covered the awkward silence by asking the strangers with us about their families. I whispered to Dan, “I’ll be back.” As I started to rise, he squeezed my hand. “Be careful. This is their life.”

“I know, but I told you something is wrong, and I can’t shake the feeling that it has to do with Sara. I know it’s foolish, but Dan, I have to know.”

“Want me to come with you?”

I kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll holler if I need you.”

Elias had gone toward the expansive patio that ran the length of the convention wing. I headed into the lobby outside the banquet room as if I were going to the powder room but used the lobby doors to access the patio. I do not claim to have stealth skills, but I stayed in the shadows and behind the potted plants as much as possible.

Celeste and Elias’s body language spoke volumes. Elias stood ramrod straight, hands in his pockets, looking out over the golf course. Celeste had wrapped her arms around her body, staring at her feet. I managed to slip behind a large potted palm, just close enough to hear most of their conversation.

“I can’t believe you won’t honor your promise to help me get through this night. That’s all I asked. I don’t want to face Nat and Loraine. I know Verita suspects, but I won’t be humiliated by you walking out on your family.”

He turned his head to look at her. “You are pathetic. You lied to me from the beginning. You lied about everything. You lied to me about Sara seeing someone behind my back, and you lied to me about being pregnant. You were never pregnant. I broke up with the woman I loved more than anything to do the right thing, and then she died, and you lost the baby. But there never was a baby.”

“Elias, I…” She reached out to touch him, and he jerked away.

“You should have thrown your diary away. Leaving it at your mom’s was just another stupid move on your part.”

“Oh, mister sanctimonious, like you are so saintly. You slept with me while you were sleeping with Sara.”

“I was drunk. I should have remembered that before I married you. I’m done here, Celeste. Go back to your friends.”

I couldn’t breathe. I had convinced myself that the tension I felt concerned Sara, but hearing them talk about her made my blood run cold. Celeste slapped him, whirled, and stalked away while Elias turned and leaned his elbows on the wall, head in hand.

“Elias?”

He jerked his head around. “Nat? What?” He stood upright. “You heard?”

I nodded. “I did. I’m sorry.”

“I promised her I would act like nothing was wrong this weekend. She didn’t want anyone to know. But I can’t forgive her.”

“Elias, I need you to tell me the truth. What happened with Sara?”

“Sara and I argued, and I saw her with Mario Sanchez. I was upset and ran into Celeste. Foolishly, I told her, and then she said she hated to tell me, but she knew Sara and Mario were sleeping together.”

“No, they weren’t. They were friends, nothing more.”

“I found that out later, but that night I was crazed, and Celeste and I went to the campus pub. I got drunk. Slept with her. “He slammed his palm onto the stone wall. “What a fool I was.”

“What happened?”

“You remember. Sara and I didn’t see each other after that. She tried to talk to me, but I wouldn’t respond.”

“I remember.”

“Then, about six weeks later, Celeste told me she was pregnant.” He sucked in a breath. “What was I to do? I had to do the right thing.”

“Did you tell Sara?”

“I tried to find her. Tried to call you, but you didn’t answer. Finally reached Loraine, who told me Sara was missing.”

“We were frantic. She was supposed to meet us, it was Verita’s birthday, but she didn’t show up or answer her phone. We searched for a while and then called the police. She’d been pretty upset that afternoon but wouldn’t tell me why.”

“I went to see her. Told her about the baby.’

“You were the one who upset her. We never thought about her going to the lighthouse until later. We called Jake, her friend who was a Park Ranger. He wasn’t on duty but met us there and let us in. And we found her.” Tears were streaming down my face. “They said she killed herself, but she didn’t. I know it.”

“Oh, Nat. I’m so sorry. Celeste told me how awful it was when you all found her.”

I shook as a jolt of electricity pushed through my body. “Celeste wasn’t with us. She told us she was with you.”

“No, she wasn’t with me.”

“Why would she lie? Why?”

“I don’t know, Nat… I don’t….”

I didn’t give him time to finish. I ran toward the banquet room.

Celeste had rejoined the group, and when she saw me coming, her face drained of all color. Dan rose and grabbed me as I reached the table.

“Let me go. She needs to tell the truth.”

“Natalie, what’s happening?” Dan’s voice was calm and reassuring, but I was past caring. I jerked my arm away and confronted Celeste. “Why did you lie?”

“What are you talking about?”

People were staring, and I lowered my voice. “You told Loraine, Verita, and me that you were searching for Sara with Elias. He just told me that you said you were with us. Where were you?”

“I was with Elias. He’s lying to you.”

“No, I’m not lying, Celeste. Where were you?” Elias stood beside Dan. “You said you were with your friends, searching for Sara.”

Celeste glanced furtively at us. “I am not going to sit here and be humiliated.”

She rose, knocking her chair over, and ran past me. I wasn’t letting her get away. I ran after her, catching up in the banquet hall lobby, the others following.

“Tell me the truth, Celeste? Why did you lie?”

“I didn’t. He’s lying.”

Elias walked up to her. “You have lied about everything. You lied to me about Sara and Mario. You lied to me about being pregnant, and the day she died, I went to Sara and told her that I loved her but couldn’t marry her.” He bit his lip, and I could see he was trembling. “You were never pregnant, but you conveniently told me you lost the baby after Sara died.”

“No. That’s not true.”

“Yes, it is.” Elias turned to me. “When her mother sold her house, we helped clean it out. I found Celeste’s diary. She loved to write about herself, and it tells how she was stalking me and wanted Sara out of the way. Mario was in her psychology class, and she did his papers for him in exchange for him spending time with Sara to make it look like they were an item. Then when she finally convinced me, she got me drunk. That was my fault, and I slept with her. She….”

“You bloody liar.” Celeste lunged at him, but Carlos grabbed her arms.

“She then lied to me about being pregnant.” Elias looked at me. “But there was another comment she wrote after Sara died. She wrote that Sara shouldn’t have come to see her, that she just wanted her out of my life. Then a few days later, Celeste wrote that she would tell me she had lost the baby because she was so upset over Sara’s death.”

“I didn’t do that. Those are lies.”

“I didn’t see it then. I thought we were bonded in our grief for Sara, and I mistook that for love. When I got out of grad school, it seemed logical that I should marry her. “

I caught Dan’s eyes and gained strength from his gaze. I took a step toward Celeste. “Tell me what happened that night. You were with her, weren’t you?”

Celeste sneered. “I was the outsider. Always the one who everyone laughed at, and then Elias showed up. I loved him from the second I saw him, but no, he was blinded by the red-haired beauty.” She turned toward Elias. “I’d had enough. Yes, I lied about Mario. He was crazy about Sara too. What man wasn’t? So, I planted the idea in your head, and after we slept together, I told you I was pregnant. And you believed me, but she didn’t. She came to see me. I was staying at my uncle’s house on the island. Remember, we used to take his runabout around the island to the beach? I suggested we go somewhere quiet where we could talk.”

Loraine grabbed her by the arm. “What did you do?”

“I suggested the beach by the lighthouse and took the boat around. She was quiet until we got there. When she got out of the boat, she accused me of lying to Elias and said she was telling everyone. We argued for a bit, and she ran toward that stupid lighthouse and up the stairs. I followed her and begged her not to tell, but she laughed at me and said everyone would know what I had done.”

Verita gasped. “You were on the walkway with her. Oh my, tell us you didn’t push her.”

A look of defeat fell across Celeste’s face. “She was yelling at me. Telling me I was a fool. She took a step toward me, and I ….” She sobbed. “I pushed her away. She lost her balance and went over the edge. I couldn’t grab her.” Crumpling to her knees, she sobbed uncontrollably.

Verita knelt beside her and looked at me. “How could we not know this? She kept it hidden for so many years. It must have been horrid for her.“

I didn’t know how to answer that because my emotions were too raw to be anything but disgusted. Dan pulled me into his arms and addressed Carlos.

“We need to call the police.”

Carlos nodded. “Yes, we do.” He took his phone from his inside jacket pocket, but Elias stopped him before he could place the call.

“No, she already hates me. I’ll make the call.” He stepped away from us and called the police.

Dan led Loraine and me to a bench across the lobby, then joined Elias while Verita and Carlos stayed with the still distraught Celeste.

I couldn’t catch my breath, and Loraine tilted my head toward her. “Slow down. Even breaths, not too deep.” When I managed to breathe normally, she hugged me.

“Nat, you always believed Sara wouldn’t kill herself. And now we know she didn’t. I think what Celeste did was unconscionable, but I don’t believe she intended to kill Sara.”

I wasn’t sure I was ready to offer any forgiveness to Celeste, but I did think Loraine was right. “I don’t think she meant to kill her.”

Uniformed officers arrived, followed by detectives who took Celeste into custody for questioning. Carlos offered his legal services for the initial interrogation, and he and Elias followed the police car. We left before the banquet ended, and everyone ended up in our hotel’s lounge, drinks in hand, trying to make sense of what had occurred.

~~~

Dan knows me well, and without my asking, we drove to the lighthouse after we checked out of the hotel on Sunday morning. He held my hand as we walked the pathway lined with bricks engraved with the names of donors to the restoration fund. I had no desire to climb the 109 steps again, so we sat on a wood bench nestled in the beautiful tropical landscape.

“I can’t believe she died because Celeste wanted to take Elias away from her. Something never felt right about this. No matter how hurt she was, Sara loved life too much to walk away from it.”

“Nat, I talked to Carlos while you were talking to Sara’s parents. He said the police reopened Sara’s death investigation, but no charges yet. He thinks it’s likely manslaughter, but he has stepped away, and she will get a new attorney. He only went last night to make it easier for Elias.”

“I wonder how the kids will handle this?”

“Carlos said Elias was going to tell them this morning.”

“I guess it’s time we take care of ours.” Tears streamed down my face. “I need to see my kids.”

Dan stood and reached out his hand. “Let’s go.”

As we walked past the donor bricks that lined the path toward the parking lot, I decided I would contact the park officials and see about donating a brick in Sara’s name. The shadow of the lighthouse is where she belongs.

...

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