1-800-NEW-LIFE

I awoke from a reoccurring nightmare soaked in sweat, seared into my eye lids were brown eyes holding me down. I poured another glass of whatever I could find left on the shelf and rolled a fatty, beginning my daily routine of drowning out the pain. Stumbling into the street I headed deeper downtown. I wasn't homeless but I managed to medicate myself in all the right ways and still hold down a job. This week, I am a clerk at a drug store, ironic amirite? But I had today off, and the wheels kept on turning, stoking that fire of anxiety self-loathing and a self-pity. Feeling the effects of the high, I decided to get low. Laying down on the bank of the sidewalk, a thousand fairies flickered over me riding snowflakes, covering me in a blanket of white. I dozed, feeling the coolness of the ground soak through my thin coat. I wanted to lay there forever, frozen. But as my luck would have it my eyes opened to birds flying overhead and I was still covered in snow. No one had bothered me; I was invisible to them. Taking in my surroundings I noticed a billboard ahead, reading:

‘’Is your life ruined from bad choices?

Wish you could just start over?

Clean slate?

You can have it all with just a call 1-800-NEW-LIFE”

Chuckling, I pulled my cell from my pocket and dialed with numb fingers.

That phone call brought me here… 2 weeks sober listing to my doctor drone on about the way my life was about to change.

‘’I'm aware you have completed the required documents and read over the procedure we are about to do today. I warn you, by resetting your password you will revert to basic settings. You are aware of this?’’

‘’I am.’’

‘’This means you will have rudimentary level of knowledge of your current language and life skills… Your social skills, memories, history, any current addictions will be whipped clean. You're sure you want to proceed?’’

Say no. Say no! ‘’Yes, I am.’’

‘’Okay. We will bring you down to the OR in a bit.’’

Few hours later I was wheeled down the hall, a cold sterile room greeted me. Someone flipping the switch on the overhead light, a mask placed over my nose and mouth, a fully gowned nurse said sweetly ‘’Breathe deep and count back from 10.’’ Her eyes were a dark caramel, I never trusted brown eyes. Ignoring the uneasy feeling a buzzer clicked as they began to shave my head. I glanced at the table beside me, the tools that were about to cut open my head lay shining. Blinking I began to count ‘’10, 9,’’ why would you do this?! ‘’8,’’ there’s no coming back from this! ’’7’’ I’ll make you remember ‘’6…’’ I’ll find you… ‘’

~~~

Bright light beamed, a groan of discomfort escaping dry chapped lips. A voice echoed into the silence of my head. ‘’Hello there, how are you feeling?’’

Confusion washed over me.

‘’It’s normal to feel a little disoriented, you’ve just been through a password reset. Take your time getting up, it’s best to rest. Your headache will be strong for some time, but we have you on a pain relief program. I need you to tell me what these letters are if you can?’’ Holding a white board up a few feet away from me with big black letters on it. I focused my eyes the best I could and read what I could see.

‘’We’ll need to do a few assessments before we release you, but after that, you are free to go.’’ I felt a frown on my face as I watched the doctors’ lips. ‘’I’ll leave your ‘New Life' profile here on the table, brows it when you’re ready.’’ With a smile, the Doctor and nurse left the room.

Alone, I felt my face, heavy bandages covered it. My head throbbed and I felt the need to heave. Looking to my left I saw an IV dripping into my arm. Nausea took hold as I laid back and waited for it to pass. Groggily I asked no one ''What is in that drip?'' Feeling slight relife I slept.

I awoke to find a tray of food on my table, cold oatmeal, cold tea, and soggy toast. ‘’I must have been out for a while…’’ Sitting up slightly I ate a little. Instantly regretting it as my head began to throb. Quieting myself I succumbed to sleep once again. My days went in a blur, lost to hospital staff waiting patiently to be told I could move to the next level of recovery. Somedays I felt clear and ready to march in for my assessment, other days I hugged the retching bowl to my face.

Finally, I woke to no headache, on what I was told to be my 20th day in recovery, I still had a long road ahead, but I was healing.

I hadn’t looked in my portfolio yet, my head wouldn’t allow it. Today was the day. Flipping the cover open lay the first page to my new life. Struggling I let my finger trail along the words making my mind prosses the information. Words flooded into my mind, and I found joy in the comprehension.

The opening paragraph was a quick blurb on what I had just gone through and how it crucial to follow the below steps for a full recovery.

‘’My name is Ms. Jane Taylor, I am 26 years old, Birth date is January 11, 1997. Hm, that was 20 days ago.’’ I read aloud. Closing the portfolio, I decided this is all I needed now.

The following days I went through assessments to ensure that basic brain function and comprehension was intact. I was still a functioning member of society, or at least that’s what I hope I was before… or I guess, maybe I wasn’t? A question bubbled up in my mind, but I couldn’t retrieve it, felt like it was locked behind a door. Sitting with the doctor now, on my final review day I asked,

‘’Doctor, is it normal to not be able to retrieve thoughts?’’

‘’Yes, those would be your previous subconscious, there could still be some lingering parts, but it will fade as you continue your journey into a new life. Best not to pick at the metaphorical door.’’

‘’Okay, thank you.’’ I said smiling. I smiled a lot and my face felt sore… Maybe I didn’t smile much before? Stop that. Don’t scratch the door. Taken aback I looked at the doctor and wondered if I had said that aloud.

‘’Your recovery process struggled a bit in the beginning, approaching day thirty, you’re doing quite well. We’ll be moving you into our ‘Home, Before Home’ facility with a few other girls your age, and you’ll be able to move freely in life, but we ask that you adhere to a few house rules. Mrs. Strange will discuss this with you further. Any questions for me?’’

‘’The voice in my head, is that normal?’’

‘’What kind of voice?’’

‘’I’m not sure, just tells me to do things like ‘don’t pick at the door.’ ‘’

‘’Ah, that would be your conscious also known as your inner voice. It'll help you determine choices, right from wrong, things like that. Now if you have any more develop that is an issue. Anything else?’’

‘‘I understand. It’s just the one, and no Doctor, Thank you…For everything.’’ I felt slightly breathless as bubbles of emotion gurgled in my stomach. A knock at the door of my room, echoed. A tall woman with a tight greying bun, dressed in a royal blue skirt suit, stood in the doorway. ‘’Sorry to interrupt, I'm here to start Ms. Taylor on her journey to Home, Before Home.’’

‘’Yes! Yes, come in come in. Were just wrapping up here.’’ The doctor said patting my knee before exiting the room, ‘’Good luck Ms. Taylor.’’ That was the last time I ever saw the Doctor.

Black heels clicked the floor as Mrs. Strange came in and sat at the chair beside my desk. ‘’Hello, I’m Mrs. strange and I’ll be your House Guide for the foreseeable future.’’

‘’Hello.’’

‘’How are you feeling?’’

‘’A little better every day, thank you.’’

‘’Wonderful. I am here to fill you in on information before you pack up your belongings and make your way to your temporary home. Understand?’’

‘’Yes, I do.’’ I said smiling. She made me feel at ease. More emotions bubbled in my stomach. It’s just excitement. How do you know? I frowned at the argument forming in my head.

‘’Everything okay Ms. Taylor?’’

‘’Yes, just trying to work through this.’’

‘’You’re doing fine, a lot of what you are feeling is excitement of something new. You’ll develop yourself a little every day.’’

‘’Okay. Thank you.’’ Told you!

‘’You'll be staying in Burling house, just a town over. You’ll be given a lift to your residence today as well as information to access your residence. Upon arrival, you’ll be greeted by your two roommates, Ms. Rachel McAdams and Ms. Sarah Jones. Both have been residents there for the past two months and will be able to help you and you help them. You will not have to worry about working or paying bills at this time as necessities will be provided during your stay. We do ask that you adhere to these house rules.’’ Handing me a piece of paper, I read aloud:

‘’House rules,

1. Out of bed before 8am, in bed by 9pm

2. House chores are to be divvied amongst house occupants

3. Laundry to be done twice a week

4. Rooms must be kept orderly and deep cleaned weekly

5. Personal hygiene is to be kept at the highest of priorities

6. Birth control will be administered

7. Any form of sexual expression i.e. intimate partners, kissing, self- physical touch, and revealing clothing, is prohibited while living in the house

8. Appointments will be made every 3 weeks for mental and physical checks

9. Daily exercise is required for at least 90 minutes a day

10. Buddy system must be formed before any outing can take place

11. Individuals will receive an allowance, as responsibilities grow and progress is made, the allowance will increase reaching a maxed amount.

*If these rules are broken or altered, discipline will be enforced.’’

Finishing the list, I looked at Mrs. Strange for further instruction.

‘’Once you’ve passed your assessments at respecting these rules, you will move to the next level, your final assessment from which you will be free to go. Are you ready?’’

Feeling the bubbles emerge now into my throat, I choked them down as I agreed to depart the safety of my hospital room.

‘Let’s go.’’ I said, smiling even though I didn’t feel like smiling at her.

~~~

Never judge a book by its cover , I heard my head say as I pondered over the spines in the dusty old book shop. Oh, look at that one! my eyes landed on faded green leather, I didn’t even read the title, my fingers flipped the pages making them sound ‘pfffft!’ Lifting to my nose, the smell of book pages. mmm what is that? Slapping cover shut, I brought it to the teller, into a brown paper bag it went and into my purse. Rian pounded the shop windows as I bundled up before going out the door. Cool air hit my cheeks. I do love you rain but who ever heard of February rain? This should be snow. Rain flooded the pavement as I watched my boots carry me home. Cars splashed by sending a tsunami over me soaking my clothes, I could feel my skin start to prune. Rounding the corner towards my home before home spotting it’s big ruby red door. My wet hands fumbling keys into the lock as I burst through the door dripping over the mat. Giving a good shake I stripped my outer layer and went for fresh clothes. Dawning a comfortable oversized sweater and warm tights, I made my way to the kitchen to start the kettle. Just a few minutes later with tea in hand I grabbed my soggy purse retrieving my newest purchase. With my roommates out I was alone on the couch. Having only been a resident of the house for three months I was easily exhausted from light activities, today’s outing was one of them. Tired to the bone I felt a dull throb in my head. I’ll have to count this as part of my exercise…rubbing my eyes I pushed through the throb and looked at the green leather book more closely. Engraved throughout the cover were flowers, mountains, and a stream…beautifully made. The pages were a warm cream tone; smelling of trees, smoke, and something else… I slid my index finger down the spine reading the finely printed title ‘Winds Away’ Cozying up into the corner of the couch I opened the book.

Words leapt off the page into my mind, I could feel them bounce around filling my imagination. I was in a meadow, wildflowers of every colour all around and next to a giant willow stood a man. The sunlight behind him shadowed his face but his outline was clear. Tall, dark, rugged, and looking at me. We studied each other for a beat and then he moved towards me. ‘’This can’t be real?’’

‘’Oh, but it is.’’

‘’Who are you?’’ I could smell him now, the smell of trees, smoke, and the musk of a man. He was strong, handsome and despite his sheer size, gentle.

‘’This isn’t an ordinary book, is it?’’

‘’Only if you want it to be.’’

Snapping the cover shut I laid it on the coffee table. ‘’What was that?!’’ I said it aloud to hear my own voice, I was in the present.

‘’Come back to me…’’ whispered his voice.

This is not real. An ache in the back of my head began to throb.

''It is.’’

''Get out of my head!'' Silence. I rubbed my frown creased forehead then placed my hand on the cover. I had become increasingly curious since the procedure. The doctors voice bubbled into my recent memories ‘’Don’t scratch the metaphorical door.’’ but I was quickly developing my conscience and she was becoming quite the thrill seeker. Though her voice was faint and unclear. Opening the book again I could feel the words pulling me into the pages, his voice swarmed my head and I felt dizzy falling into it.

‘’Hello? Hello?!’’ The meadow was empty now. I stood alone among the flowers hearing birds chirping, looking up I could see, faintly written in the sky, words from the pages that I now occupied. As I read, they quickly dissolved.

‘’Come find me!’’ I lingered in the meadow then read further; a tree line began to appear.

‘’Where are you?!’’ I yelled back. No answer. A path appeared through the trees, I took it bounding like a doe. I felt different here, tingly. I looked down and realized I was no longer in my sweater and tights but a summer cotton dress, white with tiny pink roses. Soft pink flats on my feet to match. My hair was down and flowing wildly.

‘’Found you.’’ His warm voice startled me. Just down the path he was amongst the trees. ‘’Beauty is what you are.’’ I looked him in the face now, a dark beard and big blue eyes.

‘’Yes, you did. Where am I?’’

‘’You're in the book. Right now, you're on the main path of this book, leading out of the meadow. You can run the pages skipping a head, or you can discover what’s next by reading.’’

‘’Strange…I’ve never heard of anything like this… or maybe I have?’’ I touched the back of my head as I felt a throb.

‘’Are you okay?’’ He asked, with genuine concern. I nodded,

‘’Just a headache.’’ Blushing I felt the need to explain, ‘’I changed my life by resetting my password.’’

‘’Password?’’

‘’Yes, everyone has one. Or at least they do where I’m from. It’s the key to my entire life and once it’s changed there isn’t any going back.’’

‘’Oh, sounds scary…must have been quite unhappy to want to forget?’’

‘’Must have been.’’ I blushed as the man looked at me. He couldn’t be much older than I. I wasn’t sure how I felt about him, but I knew there was adventure to be had and he may just be the ticket, or at least a companion through this book. ‘’I really enjoy learning; books are the best way. What can you teach me? Where can you take me?’’

‘’You want me to teach you and take you through the book?’’

‘’Why not?’’

‘’You don’t know me.’’

‘’What’s your name?’’

‘’William.’’

‘’Well now I know you.’’ We smiled at each other, I took his hand, and we ran. Pages flew by causing a whirlwind around us, ever changing images before me as words dissolved in front of us, a movie on fast forward with images blending into each other.

‘’Slow down before you miss everything!’’ He yelled to me as my feet came to a skidding halt. Grabbing my arm to steadied me, ‘’Thank you,’’ I said to him looking into his big blue eyes. Emotions fluttered in my stomach.

‘’I know you…’’ I felt comfortable with him.

‘’Oh?’’

‘’I do…’’ I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I trusted him. My head ached again, and I wondered if I should give myself a break…

‘’Look.’’ William said pointing to the brook I nearly fell into, breaking my train of thought. ‘’It’s not very deep but deep enough to see these little guys.’’

Tadpoles were swarming the edge of the brook, looking for a snack. I sat there and watched as they nibbled and nipped at things too small for me to see. ‘’Thank you for brining me here.’’

‘’You’re welcome. Do you want to continue reading, or do you need to rest?’’

‘’I think I will, a bit longer.’’ Up we went, this time I looked ahead to see a little cottage nestled into some shrubbery behind a stone wall, a metal gate open for us. Running towards it, I watched the scenery come to life as it was painted before my eyes. Words dissolving with every stroke of colour. I could see the windows were open with white curtains flowing on the breeze. Dashing through the gate a clothesline held long white sheets. I giggled as I hid behind one, waiting.

‘’Found you!’’ his big hands grabbed my sides picking me up and twirling me around. I squealed with delight. Our eyes searching each other intently. Breaking free I smiled over my shoulder as I walked into the cottage. He stood there in the garden, a look of amusement on his face and something else…

‘RING RING…RING RING…RING RING…’ A phone in the distance, as I turned to see it I rose from the book. I now know what evaporation feels like. Blinking at my surroundings, I saw my living room. ‘RING RING…RING RING…’ Jumping to reach the phone I realized it was well past dark, I would soon have to go to bed.

‘’Hello?’’

‘’Hello, It’s Sarah, are you okay? you sound breathless.’’

‘’Yes, I’m fine just um…stood up too quick… I guess…’’ I hadn’t been on any sort of date or outing with anyone as per house rules and I was in a hurry to get back to William. I wasn’t really breaking the rules if he was a character in a book, was I? Sarah’s voice chimed in my ear,

‘’Oh, I’m just doing a quick check in, I didn’t know if you read my note. I won’t be home tonight; I reached a new level in the program, and I get to have a night out with a friend!’’ She excitedly twittered over the phone the details she had left on the note.

‘’That’s wonderful Sarah! Enjoy yourself! I’ll be going to bed soon.’’

‘’This will be you soon. See you tomorrow!’’

‘’See you!’’ I hung the phone in the cradle and made my way back to the couch. Heading up stairs I noticed the book felt heavier and cold in my hand...Strange… Quickly finishing up my nightly routine I hunkered down in bed. Once again, I felt the pull at my core as I faded into the pages, the words flew around me as I desperately looked for William.

‘’I didn’t think I’d be seeing you again today.’’ He was in the cottage garden sitting on a stone bench.

‘’I wanted another adventure with you.’’ I said as he sauntered over to the garden wall where I stood,

‘’Let’s go then, meet me at page 226.’’ Just like that he was gone. I read through the pages as fast as I could, taking in every word on the page swirling though people and places. My journey brought me to a standstill at a forest edge.

‘’William?’’ There was no answer. Crickets chirped their evening song around me, trees canopied with fairy lights strung along the branches, their warm glow leading me down a narrow path. My dress caught a breeze and I felt cold with my feet still dawning pink flats, where is he? The sound of rushing water filled my ears. Excitement welled within me at the sight of the waterfall. Quickening my pace, I approached the shore. Peering over the edge in the calm far end of the pool, I saw a reflection of a girl I hadn’t seen before. Cheeks rosy, eyes wide and full of life, her auburn hair windswept. I looked beautiful. Just as I smiled at myself in appreciation, an uneasy shadow cast over me with a throb in my head. William was standing behind me, shaking my head at my foolishness I wrapped my arms around him. ‘’Did you know I would love this place?’’

‘’Yes.’’ He said with a smirk.

‘’It’s like you know me. This place is breathtaking.’’ The night air swarmed with fireflies; we laid along the shore locked in embrace. There was something there between us, as if we had known each other in another life we fit perfectly.

‘’I’m sorry to end our evening but I must get back soon.’’

‘’Don’t leave yet.’’ Furrowing his brow pouting slightly, I giggled at him.

‘’I do have to get back, I feel like time escapes me here. I can’t stay here forever…’’

‘’Why not?’’

‘’Sorry?’’ Something changed inside me, I felt uneasy.

‘’Stay with me. Sarah is away and you’re here.’’

‘’How do you know about Sarah?’’

‘’I could hear… Stay with me here. You know me, you said so yourself, we fit.’’ He shrugged off my words.

‘’I didn’t say that out loud…How did you know I said that?’’ I tried to pull myself out of the book, but something was tethering me to the pages, to him. My eyes flitted over the words as I tried to find an escape.

‘’You’ll stay here. With me, forever, love is enough. We can explore these pages together forever.’’

‘’But I’ll be trapped here, with you? I’ll never leave these pages again?’’

‘’That’s right, but you’ll be with me. You can’t leave. Please.’’ William tightened his grip on my wrists as I tried to move away. Looking at my hands I saw his transform, from the large trusting hands to medium sized fingers that looked wrong. I followed them up the arm to hollow shoulders that held a face that I didn’t recognize, at first. Dark brown eyes flooded over the blue that I had come accustomed to. Then I knew. The throb I had felt in my head since I found this book finally snapped, and with it came a crushing headache. Frozen in shock as memories came flooding back ‘’You…?’’

‘’Hey darlin,’’ my stomach lurched as I tried to rip my hands away from him. ‘’I told you; I’d find you. You made it so easy. You think you could erase me form your memories? Darlin I’m never leavin’. You’ll stay here with me forever. The further you read the more you’ll remember. That procedure you had won’t mean a damn thing when were through.’’ I screamed ripping my hands free and pushing his chest, which was now nearly level with mine.

‘’What you’re asking is suicide not love! I don’t want to remember you. I had you removed like the cancer you are! You stole years from me! The years spent with you and the years of pills and drinking just trying to forget you! What did you do with William!?’’ His laugh filled my ears as I spoke. He didn’t care anymore now than he did back then. I fought to build the door in my mind back into place but was failing rapidly.

‘’Nice to see you’re still dramatic as always. William was the only man you trusted how else would I be able to get you to trust me? It’s your own fault you don’t remember leaving him. You cause yourself more pain than I ever did. You’re as stupid as ever, you should have held on to more brains, not that it would have done you any good.’’ His hands clenched around my throat, brown eyes glaring down at me. I fought to break free from his grip screaming at him,

‘’Shut up! I am not dramatic; you drove me crazy! I hate you! I won’t go back. You have no holds on me.’’ Squirming I felt my heart smash against my ribs the weight and smell of cigarettes', too thick cologne and crazed eyes made me sick.

‘’Keep reading and see, I have all the holds. That door won’t last forever, soon all the memories will come flooding back, you can’t stop them. I win.’’ Shaking, I squirmed and with one swift knee jerk between his legs, he rolled off with a sickly moan. ‘’You bitch!’’ He spat after me as I ran up the path, through the trees, with fairy lights a blur and pages in reverse, I tried to get back to the meadow; but the meadow was lost as chunks of memory from behind the door came crashing down. I stopped and watched the beauty that once graced the pages be replaced with thick black hopelessness. I shook my head to try and erase it, but instead snow hit my face. Feeling my feet become wet and begin to freeze, I looked down to see that I was on a sidewalk, my breath puffing in a hot cloud. Through tear filled eyes I spotted a figure on the ground. Dropping to my knees beside the frail girl covered in snow, with sunken eyes from drug abuse and self-hate, I laid beside myself. The cold seeping into my bones soaking my pretty cotton dress. I felt myself begin to meld into the old me. I could hear footsteps coming up the walk, Maybe I should go back…he’s found me, he’s won….

I closed my eyes to a pounding head and the sound of voice screaming…

No! Don’t do this! Get up. Get Up… MOVE! I pushed myself off the ground. It was my own voice. She was loud. Proud. And in charge.

Yes! Now get the hell out of this book! I felt myself leaving the pages with his angry voice echoing incoherently behind me, my body evaporating into sunshine.

~~~

I woke on the bank of the sidewalk. Birds flapped overhead in a bright blue sky. I felt my cotton dress catch a warm breeze as laughter erupted beside me; turning to see William sitting at a picnic table entertaining three lively children. Getting up I wondered over,

‘’Mommy!’’ The three chimed in unison, I bent down to hug the three of them in a warm embrace, my eyes met Williams, big and blue. Over his shoulder I saw Mrs. Strange sitting under an oak tree on a park bench,

‘’Mommy will be right back, okay?’’

‘’Okay!’’ as they skipped back to the table, I walked over to Mrs. Strange with a smile.

‘’Congratulations, you’ve completed your final assessment.’’ A sigh escaped my lips as I sat and watched my family.

‘’Was any of it real?’’

‘’Some of it. To you, all of it was very real. We did do invasive therapy on your brain, and in order to fully recover you had to overcome your old life. This is your second chance, make the most of it. All your documents are in here. You'll find your husbands signature along with yours. Should you need anything, call.’’ Nodding as she handed me an envelope, I watched her go. Looking back to my family, I ran to them.

The End