ZERO DARK 540

Last night, at approximately 0540 hours, I was summoned by Kate (4 months old) into her room. After addressing her needs, I intended to use the bathroom before returning to bed. I made it as far as grabbing the toilet seat with my left hand before being summoned into battle by Luke (2.5 years old). His summon was so loud, that I was fearful if I didn't tend to his needs immediately, he would awaken the rest of the house. Therefore, the following events occur with the use of only one hand.

He was summoning me into his room for an asset (stuffed animal) negotiation session. He was requesting that I retrieve a stuffed cow. After brief deliberation it was determined that he was seeking the Chick-fil-A branded stuffed cow, and not the other stuffed cow, colloquially known as 'Foxy cow'. The tactical roadblock here was that Luke stated that the cow in question was currently residing in Ben's (4 years old) room. He spoke with certainty about the location, and deep down I knew that my next course of action would be frivolous, but I tried nonetheless. I made an attempt to search the tent in his room for the cow. I obviously came up with zeros and knew what I had to do. Luke was not going to drop this, and if I wanted any hope of more sleep, I would have to retrieve the cow without waking the eldest child.

Upon entering Ben's room, I was relieved to notice that he was still fully asleep. I began my search in the dark but was struggling to ID the missing asset. It became clear that multiple other stuffed assets had been removed from his bed during the natural course of sleep. So, I began extracting unknown assets that had been wedged between the bed and the wall. All decoys. But finally, in the glow of either the dawn's early light or the twilight's last gleaming, I could vaguely make out, with my still groggy vision, the outline of what just may be the asset that was eluding me. Success! Temporarily at least. My shenanigans still had not woken Ben and I quickly exited the battlefield.

Back in Luke's room, I was pleased to submit my report to him of a successful mission. However, like a dictator who always wants to conquer more, he was not satisfied. He now sought 'Foxy cow' as well. Already being knee-deep in the proverbial mud, I ventured back into battle again. This time however, the Sandman had abandoned me, as Ben was beginning to wake. My greatest challenge was in front of me. Could I facilitate covert passage for Foxy cow from Ben's room into Luke's room without Ben becoming aware that he had lost an asset? I was skeptical. Fortunately, even though I could not currently call the Sandman my friend, relative Darkness was still on my side. I was able to maneuver Foxy cow in just a way that kept it out of sight of Ben. In that moment, I was able to convince him that it was still nighttime and that he should go back to sleep.

Fearing that even my second gift would not be good enough for Luke, I reluctantly submitted it to him. He was not fully satisfied, but his negotiation tactics had changed. Now he wanted to go potty. Not one to miss out on anything, the now kind of awake Ben questioned from his bed whether or not Luke was waking up. I assured him that it was still nighttime and that Luke was only going potty. He was temporarily satisfied with that answer. I returned Luke to his chamber, and with no optimism at all, returned to the bathroom to complete my own personal mission. I wish I could say that they all went back to sleep, but my efforts were in vain. My early morning did afford me the time to write this memoir though, so we'll call it a mission accomplished, sort of.