Younger Years

I never thought in a million years that pulling a straightener down thru an 8-year-old Childs hair would give me the emotional reaction that I had that day. As I continued to straighten her hair, I found myself on the verge of crying and laughing simultaneously. If you are wondering the child is my daughter, Natalie. Shes blind to the emotional roller coaster ride I'm currently on right behind her, well as a mother I really hope she is. Poor thing has been thru too much already in the 8 years she's been on earth and it's so hard for me to say but it is my fault for all of it.

Natalie was sort of an only child till she was 7, how can someone be sort of an only child? Well, the lucky man I wasted a good chunk of my life on had 2 other victims before me, but he had 3 beautiful babies as a result of those relationships. Unfortunately, we didn't get to see all 3 but nowadays 2 out of the 3 is pretty good. So, the way it went in age was her older brother, her sister then Natalie, and they all were about 2 years apart. Same dad with 2 different moms and the kids under the age of 10 started so much bullying and unnecessary conflict as time progressed. It seemed to me that the tension started as soon as it was realized by her older siblings that I wasn't Natalie's stepmom like I was to them. Some days would be perfect no fighting, no crying from the children or myself. It's very sad to say that those days were the days it was only one older sibling and Natalie, never both of them together. It was very hard to understand but it was like they had to hide the fact that they had been nice to her when the other one wasn't around, it was like some Lord of the Flys remake.

Natalie's confusion with her role in the family was not the only confusion she had in her young years. For the longest time I couldn't get the little girl to stay still, let alone comply with me and a hairbrush. She refused to wear dresses or bows in her hair she barley allowed me to put it up in a hair tie. When she did finally let me put it up in a pony tail it would always for sure be down by the time the school bus brought her back home. I don't know what caused her to be such a tomboy maybe from being around her brother more than her sister. I do know that I was the definition of a tom boy growing up, but I didn't think as an adult it showed enough to make an impact on my daughters' behavior. When I was younger, I played softball and I loved it, I rode my skateboard, and I loved it till the road rash that covered my entire ass forced my skateboard and I into retirement. I think it's very ironic that I conceived and gave birth to 3 girls and no boys. The day I found out that I was having a girl I was terrified I didn't know what to do. The only time I have felt the fear like I did that day was the day Natalie actually let me straighten her hair.

To fully understand you would have to know a little bit of a back story and it is way too long to dive into right now. Natalie had been out of my care for about 3 months along with her 2 younger sisters. All 3 returned home and everything seemed like it was actually going to be ok. Then the 7th day of having my children home with me I was pulled over by the police. The passenger had a backpack between his legs with something he shouldn't have had in there, and I was taken in for it. After bonding out I got my car from the impound and brought my kids back home not knowing the future that was coming my way. I've always read stories about people going thru hell with cps and getting their children back, but I've never read stories about the families failing and the aftermath that comes with it. The day my oldest daughter finally let me straighten her hair is the same day a lady I didn't even know at the time unknowingly made me a liar to my daughter.

We were having a talk about what had happened, and I was listening to Natalie talk about different things that had happened while she was gone, and her eyes started to tear up. It rips a mother's heart out in a way that can't be explained for her to see her own child in any kind of pain, physical or mental. My baby looked at me thru the mirror while I straightened her hair trying to hold my tears back so she could know she could confide in me and not worry about my feelings and only hers. Natalie asked me “mommy will I have to go anywhere anymore “and I told her “Natalie you are home now, and you will never have to leave home again. “To this day I regret saying those words to my daughter and I know that it sounds weird for me to say that right now but keep reading.

Right after saying those words to my baby my phone rang and when I answered I heard a lady say hello. She then went on to ask for me and immediately you could her the attitude in her voice. I had never heard this ladies name anywhere around my previous cps case, so I didn't understand the tone she was taking with me. (To understand that last sentence you would have to read ' I thought it wasn't supposed to hurt to ask') Long story short, this lady tells me my kids will be removed from my custody for not informing her that I had been arrested and that any visitation I try to setup will be stopped before it even takes place. When she told me that she will keep a track of my case and when I get sent to prison, she will make sure the day I pull chain that my 3 daughters will be split up in the foster system, I went off and told her that if she steps foot in my yard, I will beat her ass before she attempts to knock. Looking up I see Natalie's face looking at me with tears in her eyes. She knew what the conversation was about, there was no hiding it from her. With everything I had just gone thru with these people it had me emotionally wrecked and still to this day. There are certain days out of my downward spiral that haunt me every day and this is one of the big ones.

Being my first born would of course make Natalie's bond with me different then the bond I share with her younger sisters. The life we had makes her bond different than any bond I share with anyone in this world. I really hope that she doesn't look back on her younger years and remember watching her mom slowly shatter. I hope she doesn't remember the nights up late with her mom hearing a man screaming and breaking things while her mom's head is laying on her lap with her face all bruised and bloody crying while she stroked her hair and told her everything will be ok mommy. Everything I thought was right back then I know now is so wrong, a family doesn't need to stay together for the kids. Sometimes in those situations its worse for the kids mentally then it would be to have 2 Christmas's. If I could do so many things different but I can't because it's all done, and I can't change the past. The reason for writing any of this isn't to bitch or blame anyone besides myself about what happened to my life, but it's so there can be something written that my daughters can maybe see one day to know that I'm sorry and I love them because after everything that happened, I can't tell them that sentence myself. Natalie I'm truly sorry for failing you as a mother and I didn't mean to lie to you that day. I'm sorry you had to leave again, and it kills me every day, I hope one day you will understand everything.

Krystal