"You can have mine if you want!"

I can’t count the number of times when my husband and I have given each other’s hands a reassuring squeeze every time we've walked or driven past pregnant women – either on their own – or with their partners, and a horde of other children, eager to meet their new baby brother or sister in just a few short months – or weeks, as the case may be.

At my sister-in-law’s wedding, we had a pregnant bridesmaid, and two tiny babies arrive at the big event. While the logical side of me is forever chastising myself not to be so sensitive, that babies and pregnancies are a fact of life, the broken-hearted mummy-in-waiting in me is forever screaming “Why them? Why not us?” It just feels like a kick in the guts. A rub in one’s face, if you will.

And the only consolation about that is: I’m definitely not alone.

There are couples we've met who have been on the TTC (Trying to Conceive) and IVF (In Vitro Fertilisation) journey for a lot longer than we have. We have been on this journey now for three years. By their standards, three years and three IVF cycles is nothing! I know a beautiful couple who have been through IVF fourteen times, before eventually getting their miracle baby girl.

Now I’m no doctor, so I’m not even going to try to go into the ins and outs of what contributes to infertility. Apart from us being in our late thirties with time not being on our side, my doctor told me that "Some women fall pregnant at the drop of a hat; some don't." 

My mum had two teenage daughters at ages 18 and 23 respectively. Time went by and she didn't think she would have any more children. Then, at age 37, I was a happy surprise!

It doesn't matter what your circumstances are, however. The bottom line is, when your heart is screaming out to become a mother and it’s just not happening - it hurts. It bloody well HURTS!

So WHY, if it’s so incredibly common, does society still try to dismiss it with idiotic comments such as:

Oh just relax, stop thinking about it and it will happen naturally.”

• “When did you last take a holiday? Go on holidays, and it'll happen.”

• My friend's friend’s auntie didn’t think she would have kids, and then...”

And the one I detest the most...

“Oh, you can have one of mine if you want!”

A woman in my local pharmacy recently overheard me chatting to the pharmacist about my journey and came out with that above little gem.

“I have six kids. You can have one of mine if you want, they’re driving me crazy,” she said.

“No thank you, it sounds as if you’re very blessed,” I answered with a laugh, before heading out the door with my purchases.

As you can tell, I’ve become used to laughing off these sorts of comments. But still...

How is this even okay?

What makes people think that this is even remotely supportive to say to someone who is desperately trying for a baby?

Then you get those people who just like to assume that they know how you'll react, and will behave accordingly. What do they say about people who assume? It makes an ASS out of U and ME!

Just recently, my pregnant sister-in-law sent my husband a text message inviting him to their mother’s birthday dinner. My husband assumed that the invitation included both of us, however she called to set him straight.

“I don’t want Kristie to come. I’m pregnant, and I don’t want her crying in front of Mum when I break the news,” she said.

That infuriated my husband so much, that he didn’t go either.

My reaction? Pure hurt. Anger. Betrayal.

I was genuinely excited for my sister-in-law as I knew they wanted another child, and had been trying for a while. But to blatantly uninvite me from a family dinner simply because she made an assumption on how I would react to the news was, to me, as insensitive and as low as anyone could get. She didn’t want her joy being dampened. If she really wanted it to be a negativity-free zone the least she could have done was go about it in a different way. Such as saying: “Listen, I’m going to tell Mum I’m pregnant tonight, it might be a bit sensitive for you both given what you’re going through, so maybe you might want to catch up with Mum on your own.”

In uninviting me, she succeeded in being insensitive towards her brother too. How did she know that my husband wasn’t hurting too? It’s a huge assumption to make, that men don’t hurt as much as the women. Of course they do! Just because they’re not dealing with the monthly heartache of a period coming instead of a natural pregnancy, the IVF injections, the egg retrievals, the embryo transfers, and everything else that we mummies-in-waiting have to endure to eventually get our little miracle, it absolutely does NOT mean that they don’t hurt right along with us.

We generally like to keep our circle of friends, family, and colleagues informed about where we are on our IVF journey, not to curry favour or support - although we have both received amazing support from so many people, and appreciate it so much. We tend to stay open about our experiences so that more people can try and understand that this is a particular 'club' that unfortunately exists for many of us. A club that we certainly never asked to join. Yet, for whatever reason, here we are anyway, struggling to achieve the one thing that is supposed to come naturally; the one thing that I have unfortunately seen too many individuals take for granted, again and again: to hold their child in their arms.

And guys...

I want you to do something for me if you happen to be reading this, and particularly if you already have children.

If you meet someone who is desperately trying for a baby, BE KIND. If they feel they can trust you enough to open up to you about their journey, please don’t brush them off with endless platitudes or silly comments such as “you can have one of mine.” We don’t expect you to understand. We’re just happy to be heard, and validated. Even just a simple comment such as “that must be so stressful for you; hang in there, it’ll happen" has worked wonders for my journey.

In return, you can guarantee that even underneath our own sadness, we are genuinely delighted for you, with your bundles of joy, and always will be!