wondering where to go

It seems as if there's something in my life that does not quite seem right!

I feel alone and vulnerable, nothing I ever do is not good enough. It is as though my whole life; I have been told I have to please people. I am one person who has decided to take a different path in life, I have decided to live for me. It took me years to realize I am the only one to make myself happy. I am married with one kid and even that is confusing. I haven't even been able find me; I have focused on everyone else that I don't know who I am anymore. I feel as if I can't trust anyone, it's all little white lies that pile up to make it easier for them to avoid me being upset. My marriage is on the rocks, I'm struggling to be a mom with teen child who is confused about herself. I need to make money; I want to buy a house; Simply put I just want to have a real life. I feel like I missed out on so much, and been controlled, manipulated, given certain ultimatums because someone else decided that this is the way we should live. I feel as if it's like my opinion never mattered ever. I am a woman, so therefore I must do what women do and completely comply with your silent expectations of me!

I am not here for your enjoyment; I am not here to please you and be a babysitter to your Children. They were not my priority. But I feel like it was forced on me, my education and my better for all of us was never on top of your list. You are my husband and supposed support me but even after 10 years together I feel like I just a maid, roommate and a booty call. I paid my way and my child’s and supported your kids who had 3 parents caring for them leaving my child to the wayside for you and your ex wife’s control. Where were my feeling and my traditions, it was about control from the very beginning? I wonder how my life had turned out if we went our separate ways instead of us both being so insecure. I believe that life isn’t fair but to make feel as if your children should be above mine you succeed in that……. you wonder why she’s messed up. It wasn’t all me…it was always yours kids first, if it wasn’t their mother calling the cops and social services. Or you say to me look at what they’ve been through. Your kids were violent, angry and simply lack of manners and serious respect issue’s. I feel like I never really mattered!!!! We loved, lost and loved again! You resent me; you don’t love me. You only want companionship, so you don’t have to be alone! Why did you make hurt so much for so long?

Why did I not see the control and your passive aggressive narcissistic ways sooner. I want controlled and manipulated at a young age, I saw that men were superior and there was no compromise, or they were beaten. I saw the violence that incurred, with drunk narcists like my dad. Your passive aggression is a huge in our marriage. I am not perfect, but I am me and I can discover me and live my life the way I want to these days. I am on my wonder to discover myself and who I will become. My life is about to start at 38 and I could not be happier than I am now! I have my goals. I have my dreams and my mindset needs a change.