Widowhood 101: Accepting the things we cannot change

Dear widow or widower:

The man or woman you loved has passed away. The loss of separation and the pressures from society might make you feel you have something to prove. Newsflash: You don't have to date, have sex or marry again if you really do not want to. If that is your desire there is nothing wrong with it. Loving and missing the person you shared your life with for 30, 40, 50, or 60 years is normal. Grieving is difficult but it is normal. Please don't let others influence you to make decisions you may later regret. You cannot change the fact your spouse has died but you can accept your new status without feeling you must change it.

I know a young woman whose husband left her for another female and eventually married a completely different woman. This young divorcee was so overwhelmed with emotions she felt she had to show the world that she could move on. She thought the answer was to find someone else and not appear to be grieving her loss. She ended up being date raped twice by different men and now is traumatized. Out of her own mouth she said that had she not felt she had something to prove she may not have been involved in those situations.

Divorce is different from death but the point is that this young wife felt a void after her only lover for 15 years left her. He was telling everyone and posting on social media that he found someone new and his first wife felt the need prove she could move on without him. Sadly this cost her dearly. If it seems all widows you know remarry, please learn from this article that not everyone does.

Dear Widow or widower you don't have to prove that you have moved on.

I know women and men who remained widows and widowers for 30 or 40 years until they died and they never dated or married again. My great aunt lived 28 years after my uncle passed and never looked at another man. Three widows, I spoke with after my husband passed are adjusting to life without their husbands for 5, 10, and 20 years after they died. Just because someone posts on Facebook that they have finally had a date, had sex, or are remarrying does not indicate that they are happy about it. Actress Betty White probably could have had her choice of men but she remained a widow for 40 years after her husband Allen Ludden died.

Please keep in mind that some posts you read on social media are pure fantasy and wishful thinking so do not be influenced by them. I am in no way trying to push remaining widowed but I am reaching out to those who may be grieving as I am. I know two men who remarried 5 months after their wives passed away. One had been married for over 20 years and the other more than 40. The younger man is still married but the older man's second marriage crumbled in less than a year. At 5 months out I was still crying for my husband of 40 years and my one and only lover for 45. At this point at 9 months since he died I cannot imagine being with someone else.

Widows and Widowers: Each situation is different

I ran into a family friend who has been married for 15 years since his first wife's death. He asked me why I had not yet remarried and I wanted to slap him. My husband and I had a deep connection that came from facing life's adversities together. My grief is still fresh and I was shocked that having been a widow he did not understand.

My spouse and I at times missed meals to feed our children and walked together when we did not have a car. We had one anniversary where neither of us had 50 cents to purchase the other a card. We sat together on a couch and I lay my head on his shoulder. I told him my gift that year was to hear the beat of his heart and thank God I was not a widow as so many others were. He died 5 years later.

I spent 16 nights sleeping by his side in a hospital in 2018 and was thankful he came home alive. I was happy to be able to be by his side and considered the time as our special time together. This may sound strange to those reading but we did not have the money to go on getaways to cabins or to the beach often or on cruises as others around us did. I had no choice but to see the rose in the midst of the thorns.

Widowhood is different for everyone

I know there are people who said they were not in love with their spouse when they passed but that's not my story. The last few months when he was hospitalized and the two weeks he spent at home prior to his death I found alternate ways to make love to him. I held his hand, kissed him, lovingly turned him over every two hours. Bathed him with love and care. It was never a chore for me but a differnt way to express my love. I found myself falling in love with him all over again.

Caregiving can be draining

When my mother and grandma died after I cared for them for months I felt relief. Caregiving is draining and takes a toll on the one doing the giving. When my spouse passed away my heart was broken because we had a different type of relationship. I would gladly have taken care of him longer just to be in his presence.

Moving on: It's not what you think

Someone reading this can relate and they are feeling the pressure to move on. Actually each day we wake up we are moving on because time is elapsing. At this update I have survived 11 months without my beloved Michael Lynn Preston Sr. It's unreal and yet very real indeed. I cannot relate to those who were relieved or even happy their spouse died or were already sleeping with someone else before their husband or wife passed away. That is their story to tell and this is mine.

Don't let others convince you that you must date and have sex and announce it on social media. Some of those posting these words are not happy and could still be missing their spouse. They also could be in situations where they are being used by men who simply want to bed a "hot to trot" widow and may end up with their hearts broken. Life is not a fairytale of happily ever after although this is what society and Hollywood pushes. There is also such a thing as being content in whatever state you are in but this is not often emphasized.

Make your own decision

I told my husband years ago that I would never remarry if he went first and I meant it. I tell this to others when they ask but they respond by telling me I am young and will change my mind but I know I won't. I am furious that my words are being ignored and my stance is not being accepted. I've had men flirting with me and one sat beside me in church. They have a right to do so but I have a right to remain a widow. I am not sad and I do not miss sex. I miss my husband and all that he gave me. I am learning to accept what I cannot change which is that he is gone and will not be my spouse in heaven.

I write about him and recall fond memories but that does not mean I am stuck in the past. I leave up joint photos on my social media accounts and I know some folks are saying I am stuck in the past and not moving on but they are wrong. I know there are some wondering when I will "move on" and change them but I will not allow Hollywood to dictate my actions. Television and movies indicate that a widow needs to be having sex but many single individuals live without sexual intercourse and do just fine.

I ran into a man in his 60s not long ago who said he was done with dating and sex and happy to live alone. There are others who have accepted their current situation but most keep their business private. I am finding that many widows' support groups have turned into everything but and there are more posts related to "I finally had sex," I had my first date" which is all well and good but it's not for everyone. Announcing that you have moved on is not helpful to those who join the group for the purpose of being with others who are grieving.

It also comes across as if you have arrived somehow to the place where others are trying to get and can be damaging to those who are still missing their spouse. A rule of thumb is to scroll past a post that may offend but by then you have already read most or all of it. If I were to date again (which I won't) I would do so privately and certainly not announce it in a widows group. Although you may not have remarried if you are dating you are in a relationship or situation ship and should not be discussing your sex life with those who are grieving.

Your words may hurt a grieving person

You never know who is fragile, vulnerable, and might be hurt by your announcement or how it may cause them to reflect more on the fact that they no longer have a spouse. It really is, in my opinion, insensitive to do so.

Imagine someone attending an AA meeting and bragging that they are clean and sober and don't need meetings anymore in front of struggling addicts and alcoholics. Yes, it is that serious. I know there will be much offense at this article but there will be some who appreciate what I have written. They may never get the chance to say so but these widows and widowers might breathe a sigh of relief.

They will realize that it's OK to miss their spouse as they go on with their daily lives. They will be able to sleep better at night knowing that they can accept their current situation without the pressure of feeling as if they need to move on. A widow cannot change the fact that her husband died but she has the choice in how she lives each day for the rest of her life. Whatever you decide let it be your choice alone and do not be pressured by what others say and do.

Accept that which you cannot change but do not let others push you into changing your mind from what you have decided. There is something else you should keep in mind. Virtual strangers who never met Diana Spencer have written books, Broadway plays and produced movies about her 20 plus years after her death. Why should it be wrong to continue to care and talk about someone you spent decades loving? Please keep in mind that some widows and widowers are feeling the grief as fresh months and even years later as they did when their spouse first died. Bragging about your newfound happiness be it real or imagined may be hurtful to them.