Why Most of Our Friends Look Like Us

Take a look at your closest friends. Think about who you call when something amazing happens—or when everything goes wrong. Now ask yourself: how different are they from you?

If your answer is “not very,” you’re not alone. Most of us tend to form friendships with people who look like us, think like us, and live lives pretty similar to ours. It’s not necessarily intentional. It’s human nature. But it’s also something we can—and arguably should—begin to challenge.

Homophily: The Comfort of Sameness

There’s a sociological term for this phenomenon: homophily. It refers to our natural inclination to connect with people who share our characteristics—whether it’s ethnicity, age, socioeconomic background, or interests. In many ways, it makes sense. We’re drawn to the familiar. We meet people like us in school, at work, in our neighborhoods. Our social environments are often structured in ways that make sameness easier.

Homophily creates a sense of belonging. It’s efficient. Comfortable. And it’s also limiting.

The Problem With Comfort Zones

While there’s nothing inherently wrong with bonding over shared experiences, studies show that friendships formed across social lines—whether racial, cultural, political, or economic—offer unique and transformative benefits. Diverse friendships stretch us. They expose us to new ideas, values, and life stories. They make us more empathetic, less judgmental, and better equipped to thrive in a complex, globalized world.

As research from Earth.com and Thrive Global points out, diversity in our personal circles can improve mental health, increase social cohesion, and even help reduce prejudice on a broader societal level.

So why don’t we seek it out more often?

What Gets in the Way

Forming diverse friendships isn’t always easy. Here are some of the biggest barriers:

• Fear and discomfort. Many people worry about saying the wrong thing or don’t feel confident navigating cultural differences. It’s easier to avoid potential awkwardness than risk offending someone.

• Prejudice and stereotypes. Whether conscious or unconscious, bias plays a real role in who we approach and trust.

• Conflict and insecurity. When someone sees the world differently, it can create tension—or force us to examine our own beliefs. That can be unsettling.

• Limited opportunities. Structural barriers like residential segregation or workplace homogeneity mean that people from different backgrounds often just don’t cross paths.

• Relational quality. Cross-group friendships, especially among young people, may be less stable or involve less time spent outside of institutional settings like school or work.

As explained in Common Good and PubMed Central, these challenges are real—but not insurmountable.

Building Diverse Friendships, Intentionally

It takes more than good intentions to build a friend circle that reflects the world’s richness. It takes openness. Curiosity. A willingness to be uncomfortable, to ask questions, to listen more than we speak. And it takes shared purpose—a classroom project, a team goal, a community initiative—where bonds form through doing, not just talking.

Ultimately, the question isn’t whether diverse friendships are “nice to have.” The question is whether we can afford not to have them.

In a time of growing polarization and deepening divides, maybe the bravest thing we can do is step outside our social comfort zones—and make a new friend who doesn’t look or live like us.