Why moms are feeling exhausted and unhappy

A monster under recovery

As a parent sometimes we feel mentally and physically exhausted. Sometimes parenting, especially for single parents, it's hard to balance family, work, and self-care. We stop thinking about our physical and mental health. The lack of support, extremely high expectations for new parents, opinions, and trauma may trigger hate or dislike feeling from parents towards their kids. Unfortunately, we never took the time to understand or even try to walk their shoes for one day to better understand why they are having those feelings towards their kids; instead, we call them evil, or bad parents, We don't show any compassion, and just spend all our energy judging their behavior. But Why a parent can say those things to their kids or why they become so distant? It's important as a society to understand what triggers a parent to say, "I hate my kid," or "My kids destroy my life". Those words sound bad right, but I used to say them all the time……But what change? What made me realize that I was projecting my frustrations, mental exhaustion, and personal trauma to my kids? What makes me realize that I was not a mean or bad mom (I was still providing for my kids) instead I was just an exhausted mom that commit one the biggest mistakes that parents can do……put others first. How people pretended for me to be an amazing and caring mom when I was having problems loving myself and managing my emotions?

Before this pandemic and quarantine, I remember saying those harsh words to my kids. I felt that I was a monster because mothers should provide unconditional love to their kids. Why not…... We expect that moms' bond with their kids as soon they are born but what happened when that doesn't happen, we call them a monster or heartless women. But I asked again, what change? What made me realize what was happening in my heart, brain, and surroundings? Why I was so distant with my kids? The surprising fact is that I work as an educator, so I am around kids all the time (SOUNDS CRAZY RIGHT). I do care about kids that's why I choose education as my career. Probably now you are saying why this monster is teaching other kids. Why did this monster decide to have her own?

Before you judge, please take to read and try to walk my shoes. During the government shutdown, my kids were with their dad (visitation agreement). This time away from them make me realize that I need them, I love them, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make them happy. This time away from them and away from my chaotic routine help me to realize that my issue was not the lack of love for my kids was the lack of commitment to myself. The lack of time to properly heal from a painful divorce, changes, and trauma. In other words, I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. During this time, I asked myself every day Why I allowed myself to get to this point?

When I became a mother, I was committed to providing everything that my kids needed but my biggest mistake was to stop taking care of myself. I put my family before my interests and dreams and without noticing I was putting myself down. I stop believing in myself. The interesting part is that I am pretty good at taking care of others, but I fail to take care of my path. When you lost, emotionally, and spiritually, it's hard to show emotions and love others. This journey and spending time on my own help me to understand why people say you love to love yourself before you love others. You have to deal with your demons and frustrations before opening yourself to others (even to your kids).

As a single mom, I felt bad to take time or think about myself. For example, I stayed in an unhappy marriage for 8 years just the kids. I stop chasing my professional goals because I want a job that allows me to be there for my kids, so I have a doctorate degree that I am not using. After my pregnancy, I experienced post-partum depression, but I didn't seek any help due to the lack of time. Decisions and more decisions that put me into a survival mode. When you are only surviving you become more sensitive, extremely emotional, and your defenses are up. In other words, you become a shadow of your own soul and energy. I always knew that my behavior was not the best representation of my energy and my soul, but I didn't know how to fix it. The interesting part is I am pretty good at advising others and help them to fix their problems (help them to heal and find their path). To better explain this behavior is when you are extremely hard and inflexible with yourself (sometimes we are our worst judge) but you are kind and considerate with others.

As parents, we think that asking for help will make us less prepared and less committed to our families. Sometimes we hear other moms shaming others for having nannies so they can work or domestic assistance so they can achieve their projects. Society expects that women change everything about who they are just because they had kids. Hell, this is wrong! Why we have to change just because we decided to have kids? Why we have to give up our dreams? Why the people that supposed to support you are the first ones that mommy shame you and put you down? When you are self-sabotaging who you are and listening to others (people always love to have an opinion but just a few are willing to help) perpetuate the idea that asking for help will make look weak or as bad mom. We expect that moms have a solution for everything (and sometimes is true due to our instinct and intuition). This type of behavior (I perpetuated this conduct until now) is exhausting and unsustainable. We have to understand that we don't have the solution for everything and it's ok to commit mistakes……WE are humans too. As a mom and probably you can relate, how many times you had to close the bathroom door just to cry so no one can hear you crying or feel your pain.

We become prisoners of our own routine.

This time on my own, I started meditation, taking care of my health (I gained a lot of weight, so I started changing my habits), journaling (this is part of my therapy), and asking for help. I started using the same strategies that I used with friends, my students, and as a healer. During this time, finally, I was able to put myself first. I used this time to heal from trauma (after 3 years from my divorce finally process my emotions and let the guilt go away). The most important lesson that I learned during this time, is that it's ok not to be ok and asking for help will not make you less or weak.