Why Do We Miss Someone Who Hurt Us Deeply — and Whom We Now Despise?

When Missing Someone Doesn’t Make Sense

It’s one of the most painful emotional contradictions: missing someone you know hurt you. Someone who broke you, disrespected you, maybe even shattered your sense of self. You’ve grown to despise them, lost all respect — yet… you still miss them.

Why does this happen? Why does our heart ache for a person we no longer trust or even like?

This emotional paradox is more common than people admit, and in this article, we’ll explore the psychological and emotional reasons why we might still long for someone who hurt us — and what this longing is really trying to tell us.

1. Missing Someone Doesn’t Equal Forgiving Them

Let’s start by being clear: missing someone doesn’t mean you want them back. It doesn’t mean you excuse what they did or that you’ve forgotten how much it hurt. Missing them just means your heart is still adjusting to their absence.

It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you once cared — deeply — and your emotions are still untangling from the pain.

2. The Good Memories Stick Around, Even After the Pain

Even toxic relationships have good moments. The laughs, the warmth, the late-night talks — they were real. When someone hurts us, those memories don’t automatically vanish. In fact, our brains sometimes focus more on the happy parts when we’re grieving.

You’re not missing the pain. You’re missing the version of them you once believed in. And sometimes, you're missing who you were in those moments too.

3. Emotional Attachment Is Not Easy to Break

Love, even unhealthy love, creates emotional bonds. Your brain and body got used to their presence. They became part of your routine, your thoughts, your sense of comfort — even if they were the cause of your discomfort.

So when they leave, or when you walk away, that emotional addiction doesn’t go away overnight. You’re not weak. You’re just human.

4. You’re Missing the Idea — Not the Person

Sometimes, what we miss isn’t the person themselves, but the idea of them. The potential. The dream. The hope that they could’ve been someone better. That they would become better — if only we were enough, or if things had gone differently.

That fantasy is hard to let go of. But it’s not real. What’s real is what they did — not what you hoped they’d be.

5. Hurt Creates Confusion, Not Clarity

Being hurt by someone doesn’t always bring closure. In fact, it often leaves open wounds, unanswered questions, and a lot of mental noise. We crave understanding. We want explanations, apologies, justice.

Sometimes missing someone is just your mind trying to make sense of the pain. It’s not about love — it’s about wanting resolution.

6. We Crave Closure We Never Got

When someone hurts you and disappears, or when a relationship ends abruptly or without honesty, it creates an emotional cliffhanger. No closure. No explanation. No goodbye.

The longing that follows isn’t about wanting them back — it’s about wanting peace. We replay the past because we’re still searching for the full picture.

7. The Familiar Is Still Comfortable, Even If It Was Painful

Our minds are wired to crave familiarity. Even if a relationship was toxic, it was still known. Leaving it creates a void — and that emptiness feels scarier than the pain we were used to.

So sometimes, we miss the familiar pain, simply because healing feels foreign, slow, and uncertain.

8. We Miss Who We Were When We Loved Them

You might not even miss them. You might miss who you were with them — the version of yourself who loved deeply, believed, hoped, and gave. The one who smiled a lot before things went wrong.

You’re grieving that person too. And that’s okay.

9. Despising Them Doesn’t Erase the Bond

Hatred isn’t the opposite of love. Apathy is. So when we still feel anger, disgust, or even loathing toward someone — it means they still occupy emotional space in our hearts.

It takes time to detox from emotional connection, even after betrayal. Despising them might be justified. But it doesn’t cancel out the bond instantly.

10. Missing Them Is a Sign You’re Healing — Not That You’re Failing

This might sound strange, but missing someone who hurt you is actually part of healing. It means your mind and heart are processing the loss, the disillusionment, and the trauma.

You’re not failing because you still think about them. You’re recovering. And that process is rarely clean or logical.

Conclusion: Missing Is Not the Same as Wanting Back

If you’re missing someone who hurt you, please don’t judge yourself harshly. You’re not weak. You’re not foolish. You’re simply someone who loved — and is now learning to un love, to rebuild, to understand.

What matters most is not whether you miss them… but what you do with that feeling. Let the longing remind you of your capacity to care — and your right to be cared for in return.

Some people come into our lives to teach us how not to be loved. And some lessons hurt — but they also guide us toward the love we truly deserve