Why Do Children Criticize Their Parents?

How do you get a child to judge and criticize their parent? The child who used to look at you with adoration and admiration, for whom you were the one from whom he always seeks guidance, suddenly begins to judge and criticize you, to notice your weaknesses, and to accuse you of not being good enough.

We all judge other people - even if not in a deliberately destructive way, we tend to observe others, compare ourselves with ourselves, and judge them by certain characteristics that we find unpleasant.

But how can a child judge and criticize his parents? To make value judgments and accuse them of not being better, that they are not as they would like, to blame them for various things? From "why aren't you like X's mother," to "you never knew you were a real parent," to "it's all your fault," to "I failed because of you," to "you're so bad/stupid/annoying"…

Some time ago, a child would not have allowed himself to make such accusations or criticisms to his parents - but this in no way means that he did not think of them! Today, freedom of expression is valued, so that a child raised in the spirit of communication will feel free to express his judgments directly and loudly.

Every child will judge and criticize their parents because the truth is that a parent can never be perfect, he can not be the way his child wants. There has never been a child who has no grievances and does not blame his parents. Every parent will make mistakes, trying to avoid some mistakes of his parents, but making his own. The father is just a man.

Does the parent deserve the child's judgment and does the latter have the right to do so? This is another thorny issue; maybe some parents deserve to be shown how wrong they were; maybe not. And the child, like any other person, has the right to form opinions and judgments, but often he forms them starting not from facts, but emotions.

How do you get a child to judge and criticize their parent?

Judging and criticizing are part of the process of observing the surrounding reality and analyzing it. It is a natural process in the child's development: first, he notices; then he describes and analyzes what he observes; then, he builds his perception, opinion, judgment on the observed facts.

Each person builds his reality through judgments, each is the creator of his reality, different from the reality of others (differences in perception of the surrounding reality). Therefore, it is expected that at some point in the development of the child's individuality, he will judge his parents - and sometimes judge them harshly, to criticize them because of the emotional relationship (which also gives rise to many negative emotions).

Observation by comparisons. In the learning process, the being will naturally make comparisons between the same classes of objects: between cats; between pans; between children; between parents. It is part of learning with the world around us: we see an object/person; we integrate it into a category of objects/people with the same qualities and then compare the objects/people in the same category.

The child will look closely at other parents and will sometimes end up judging and criticizing his or her parents by comparison (no different from how a parent can compare his or her child to other children). A child wants what others have, including when it comes to the qualities of some parents ("X's mother lets him… and has…; why aren't you able / can / want?").

The child's perception of those around him changes with his development, and the child's image of his parents undergoes a radical change. In the first years, the child builds an ideal image on his parents, who are everything to him and whom he sees as complete, perfect beings, who know everything and what they can offer everything.

It doesn't take long for this image to change, once the child discovers that his parents are not perfect, that they don't know everything, that they can't offer him everything, and that they have their flaws. And this disappointing discovery can make the child judge and criticize his parents because they do not fit his original image.

Differences between people are a source of judgment, criticism, and rejection. When you notice a person, the differences between you and him stand out and are the first source of your judgment and criticism of that person. The differences between parent and child (age, personality data) are one reason why the child judges and blames the parents: "why can't you understand me?"

Negative emotions give rise to criticism. The child faces various negative emotions about his parents: anger, resentment, envy. And when a person gives birth to negative emotions, the way you look at the changes: you look for something wrong, something bad for that person, so that you can throw the birth of your emotions on him ("I feel that way because of you").

Their defects and mistakes are attributed to external circumstances. In the process of forming and maintaining self-esteem, a person often attributes his flaws and mistakes to external circumstances and those around him, to escape his responsibility for his flaws and mistakes.

From here, the child will judge and blame the parent for various defects and mistakes of his own: "I am like this because of you", "you made me…", "because of you I failed" etc.

Conflict with forms of authority is universal. Parents are the first and most important form of authority in a child's life, and rebellion and conflict with authority is a universal trend - and it is also the root of judgment. Forms of authority give rise to various emotions: admiration; resentment; respect; fear; resistance; they give rise to ambivalent feelings: admiration and rejection at the same time.

In formation as an independent individual, the being rebels - actively or passively - against the form of authority; he validates himself by resisting authority, provoking it, judging it, and rejecting it. The being forms itself independently, rejecting the authority, the power of others over itself, and proclaiming its power over itself. It is a process of formation of the individual who "defends" himself from the authority that controls him and wants to be independent, with the right to have control over his life.