When Things were Okay

Corey

I was never the type to get introuble, or do things that I wasnt supposed to. But when things fell apart, I lost a part of myself. Maybe all of me. I never wanted to change, but when the world changes around you, it makes you change. My mom is in the hospital. My dad is dead. My brother is, well, he's just trying to keep us all together. I guess I already gave up on family. My dad died in a car accident. And my mom tried to kill herself. She was ready to leave us to stay with dad. Dad wasnt perfect. He didn't know how to be a father, but neither did he try to learn. Regardless, she loved him more than Us.... How tragic. It broke me, realizing. Tory is too young to understand what is happening. But he'll understand in a couple of years. I think that is what pisses me off more. I grew a lot of hatred for my brother. Its not his fault he doesnt understand. But oh how I cant deal with him still being happy, not realizing whats at stake. Am I in the wrong?

The house is still cleaned, looks like nothing changed. When in fact, everything changed. I stopped going to high school. How could I go to school and act like everything was okay? Everything happened in less than a month. How could I process that? How could I move? How could I breathe? I couldn't even cry. All I had was anger. Is this how it feels to drown? To not be able to feel anything but pain. Not knowing if its your time, or if someone will save you.

But how can someone save you when no one was there with you when you went into the water?

How can someone realize Im in sinking when I cant scream and say I need help?

Will I be drowning for the rest of my life till I hit the bottom?

I have no one. I cut my friends off. I couldn't tell them. Because how could you? Doesn't it show weakness?

I used to hang with them every now and then, used to play with my brother outside and support his wildest rich dreams. I used to take 10-15 minute showers till they turned into 30 minute showers. I used to make good meals, eat good. I used to workout every day. I used to smile. I used to take care of myself. I used to sleep well. I used to do so much good for myself. whether I wasnt getting treated right. I still fought for myself. I still tried to do good. I tried to do things God's way. I tried so fucking hard. When things were okay. But now?

Im so tired. Im so exhausted of this. Im so tired. My bones feel weak, I feel like Im dieing. And I dont want to fight anymore. I keep telling myself things will get better, to keep going, to keep praying. Im tired of praying. Im tired of praying to someone, to something Ive never seen, someone Ive never heard. They say pray till you hear his voice. Iv been praying father. I don't pray for things to get better. I pray for strength to get through my troubles. Ive only gotten weaker. So weak Ive given up. I cant my future anymore. I cant see or hear my dreams anymore. I wanted so badly to hear your melody. But all I hear is silence. Echoing in darkness. Im losing my mind. Slowly.

Slowly im drowning deeper into the darkness of the cold.

Things were never perfect but i fought for myself hard enough it was okay for me.

If I prayed. One. Last. Time. Would you hold me? God? Would you never let me go? Would you help me up my knees? Would you still love me? Would you tell me to not give up? Would you sing your melody to me?

Please, because your the only one who can save me.

Im begging you, and only you.

Help me find my strength to keep fighting.

-THE END-

This short story thingy was inspired by someone emotions I feel as a person and things Ive gone through. But just rephrased and reworded to a story. I will be posting more stories like this that i can relate to. SO STAY TUNED!

If you a someone going through a lot, mentally and physically, Please reach out and talk to someone. Its something I wish I did and I still should do.

Thankyou for your time.

Nina-