What I Want You To Know

Dear Mom:

I love this picture of you as an Egyptian princess. You shine and I can see your inner light. You have always loved to dress up, to play, and have fun. I want you to see yourself, in your essence, sparkling, next to my letter to you. When I write from my innermost heart, you always tell me how beautiful it us. This letter is from my heart to yours.

Some moments are sealed within me, so much so, that from that moment forward, it is in every word I speak, every thought I have, and every action I take. I embodied that moment, and it took residence in my mind and heart forever after. That moment between us on our enclosed porch was such a moment for me. My life was forever changed after that conversation. Our second floor porch held so many memories: Time with family, sitting around the table, love and laughter, the birds and squirrels about.

That particular moment especially stands out. In my mind’s eye, I still see us there. You and I were standing at the screen door, preparing to go in. That is when you told me. I would not be who I am now if that had never happened. Since that moment, I have listened and learned and felt that I have chosen it all: the crazy amount of fear, the unwavering ever present grief, and I learned to hide from the truth, thinking that something, anything could rescue me from what I thought would happen that day after you told me about your loss.

I remember it still, as clear as day. You were to my right, and I stood to the left, against the red wall. You told me that your dear friend Sandy had died of breast cancer. I listened to you. I don’t remember what I said but that moment never left me. From that moment on, I feared losing you. I could not get myself to go to sleep at night and so many nights after that. My mind raced, and I had to make up stories in my head so I could fall asleep to something other than my worries about you. That is when I first learned the art of storytelling. I lulled myself to sleep each night, making up and then seeing within the drama I created.

Do you see that you crafted within me, a creator? I was a child who became lost in a whirlpool of fear, going round and round the drain of worth. And in the process, I felt and still feel everything. That became a blessing though I did not know it at the time.

I was so afraid to lose you that I lost myself instead. Do I blame you? I truly don’t. I know that it was all meant to be. I had to lose myself to find myself. I have finally done it Mom. I have risked it all. I was willing to give up everything, just to stay true to myself. I speak and I write and I live as the real me. Writing is my opportunity to share with this world what I feel deeply. Not every moment of everyday but more and more, I do. I am. Me.

It might be that if I had never feared, I would not have embraced the truth of who I am. All of these years since that moment on our porch, I see myself reflected in you. You, all tangled up inside with the thought of merging on the highway. You, in your silly Phillyness. You, the nurturer, protector, comforter. You, an Eqyptian princess, in all your element, playing with life. I too inwardly cringe at the thought of merging. I still now and then doubt my worth in this world. I too nurture, rescue, protect. And I play to, but it is with words, and what comes forth here, is my gift to you.

I’m still afraid to lose you but I know I won’t if and when I am real. I felt that softness within you welcome the real me. I took that opportunity and poured out my heart to you, sharing my heartache and my deepest yearnings to heal as a human being, and in the entirety of every living being on this planet and as the Earth in and of itself. You were trying to protect me when you said that it was dangerous to be that real, and that maybe I would lose it all because of it. I knew it might be true but the cost of stuffing it all inside had taken its toll. Even if I am the only one in the crowd, I will say it and write it and live it:

Every Life Matters.

You told me that you are proud of me and caressed my face, and for a moment. I became once again that little girl, needing to know that her mommy will always be there.

You told me that “I love you to the moon and back.” That little girl that I still am heard you and hears you still. I seal your words in tight, until it reaches every cell of my being. I know that you are within me, and that I am within you as well. I know that inside you too there is sometimes a sad and afraid little girl. I believe, in my vulnerability, you saw yourself there too.

You saw how much I struggled and you did everything you could to bolster me up and cheer me on. I want you to know how much your support and encouragement means to me. It matters Mom. I am whom I am today because of what you and Dad gave me. I know sometimes you struggle. I know there are moments that your heart hurts. I am here if you need me. Please remember that I am a port in the storm. You have always been loved. You will always be loved. May you know this in every cell of your body, and may it be in every breath you take, and in every dream you dream.

Thank you Mom, for all of it. The scary and sad times, the good times, the laughter, the lessons. Without you, I would not be me. The little sad, frightened girl. The elder wiser woman, the wordsmith, and the advocate for the innocent. You shaped me into being. You crafted me as I now craft.

I finally have myself. I thought that I lost me, but the truth is, it was through loss, that I finally found the courage to be who I truly am. Thank you. I love you Mom. To the moon and back.