We Are Still Here

I do not have words for how much I love and appreciate my mom. Even when we don't see eye to eye, I know she would do anything in the world to help me. When I am really struggling and not acting like myself, she is ready to give grace. Even when life was genuinely awful, she did everything she could for us.

I think my life was pretty perfect for the first eight years. We were home schooled, but there was enough of us in the house that none of us ever really felt lonely. We struggled financially until I was 6 or 7, but I didn't notice at all. I recently found out we received government aid for groceries for most of that time too, and I had no clue we were struggling. And my parents were perfect and so completely in love. I could write a whole book about how amazing my parents were.

Everything was perfect. And then Dad got sick. At the point of diagnosis, I was 8 years old. I had two brothers (ages 10 and 2) and two sisters (ages 3 and 5). I'm not going to get into all of the details of his disease and decline right now, but at diagnosis Dad was told he had a year left at maximum.

I don't understand how, when the love of your life is slowly dying, you can think of anything other than how awful everything is and how much pain you are in, and how much pain he is in, and how unfair the entire universe is; but my mom thought about me and my siblings.

The biggest thing that I am grateful for today is the way she tried to ease us into the reality that our father was going to be gone soon. This took some forethought and planning and I'm really proud of her for being able to think it out this far during this time.

First she told us that Dad was really sick.

Then a week later that this was the kind of sick that never went away. There was no cure and no way to manage it.

Then maybe a week after that, she told us it was the kind of sick that made people die after some time.

Next she told us that our Dad probably wouldn't be around anymore when we were grownups.

And a little later she told us that he might not be around much longer at all.

And finally, that he could die any day.

Of course, this did not stop the news of his passing from being shocking and heartbreaking and awful, but she did her best. What more can you ask for?

The next few years were really hard. Even now, 15 years later, there are still really hard days, but we are still here and life is still beautiful. Through her own grief and depression and loss, she helped us get through it and understand what had happened and what was coming next. She made us feel safe and loved. She made sure we knew that something awful had happened, and that it was okay to be sad or angry or whatever else we felt, but that we were going to be okay.

I am who I am because of the strength I saw in her, even when she was completely falling apart. And that's what being a good mother is, right? Putting your kids first and doing what is best for them, even when your heart is a train-wreck and you have no clue what's going on or why.

Of course, my mother is human and has flaws and faults, but one of my biggest goals in life is to be a mother someday who loves her kids the way that she loves me.

I cannot thank her enough.