Wasted Time & Second Chances: A Journal Entry on Love, Loss, and the Life I'm Fighting For.

Wasted Time & Second Chances

A Journal Entry on Love, Loss, and the Life I’m Fighting For

July 1st, 2023

I don’t usually share my private journal entries. But this one? This one demands to be seen. Because it’s not just mine—it’s for anyone who’s ever looked at their life and thought: How the hell did I get here? And more importantly: Where do I go now?

The Future That Haunts Me

I’ve been thinking a lot about time lately. Not in the "carpe diem" cliché way. Not in the "live every day like it’s your last" nonsense that people post online while scrolling past their own lives. No—I’ve been thinking about the weight of time. The kind that settles in your chest when you realize: I am not where I thought I’d be.

In ten years, will my daughter still look at me with trust in her eyes? Will I have built the life I promised us—the homestead, the stability, the peace? Will I be alone, or will someone have stayed? The truth? Life has laughed at every plan I ever made. Especially these last five years.

What Heartbreak Taught Me (The Hard Way)

Right and wrong don’t fight—they dance. I’ve seen good people do terrible things. I’ve done things I never thought I would. Morality isn’t black and white—it’s a storm you navigate.

Grief doesn’t end. It changes shape. Lost love. Lost friendships. Lost versions of myself. I used to think healing meant "getting over it." Now I know: grief is just love with nowhere to go.

Not everyone is meant to stay. Some people are seasons. Some are storms. The hard part? Learning which is which before they leave.

The Unexpected Teacher: Wasted Time

Here’s what keeps me up at night: We waste so. Much. Time. On shame. On guilt. On people who don’t deserve it. On scrolling. On worrying. On waiting for permission to live.

I don’t want to wake up at 50 and realize I’ve spent my life apologizing for existing. So I’ve started asking myself: Is this nourishing or numbing? Is this fear or intuition? Will this matter in a year? Because time isn’t just passing—it’s being stolen.

The Paradox of "Wasted" Moments

But here’s the twist: Sometimes, what looks like wasting time is actually saving your soul. That hour staring at the river? Clarity. The days I can’t get off the couch? Rest. The nights I write angry journal entries? Survival.

I’ve learned to tell the difference between avoiding life and recovering from it. Between distraction and necessary escape. Not all "wasted" time is wasted.

The Life I’m Choosing (Starting Now)

So here’s my new rule: If I’m going to "waste" time, I’ll do it on purpose. Long walks with no destination. Lazy Sundays with my daughter. Writing terrible poetry that no one will ever see. Because that’s not wasting time—that’s reclaiming it.

A Letter to My Future Self

Dear Me in 10 Years,

I hope you’ve built the garden. I hope our girl still laughs with you. I hope you’ve learned to rest without guilt.

But most of all? I hope you’ve stopped apologizing for taking up space.

Love,

Your Younger Self

(The one who’s finally learning)