Warrior Genetics.

The year of 2022 was already the front row seat of last years rollercoaster, someone who suffers severily from, anxiety, ocd, and PTSD, BPD, i couldnt quite come to terms with the fact life seems like such a repettive story, like theres nothing new? its all the same. I have a few people i want to thank, but cant seem to ever find the words. i know what i want to say, but how do you say "thank you" in a way that they can understand my actions? so i guess, here we go.

Mum,

Im sorry, truly sorry for all the pain caused, you spent all your life trying to love and find love, only to blame yourself for my flaws and mistakes. youre stubborn, i guess thats where i get it from i suppose, but you cant keep blaming yourself, because i want to thank you, i dont know who i would be today if i didnt go through what i went through, and even tho it killed you watching me suffer, all the sleepless nights you stayed up watching me to make sure i was there, you taught me to be a warrior, you taught me that even when i ache to give up, theres always light at the end of the tunnel. I remember the look on your face when you thought i was going to take my last breathe, the look on your face when i was in pain and you felt helpless, but mum, you did help me, you never left me, even when you had 3 other children to look after, you always chose me and never gave up, and for that, i am a warrior, i am you, i am brave, i am strong and i am beautiful. There will never be enough words or time to tell you how much i love you and how lucky we all are to have you as our mum!

Lover,

Where do i even start? you have been the biggest blessing in my life, from dating in primary school, to now adults planning a life together. youve dramatically impacted my life in a way i never knew was possible, youve made me believe in love, youve made me believe in true happiness and each and every minute im with you i feel so alive, so alive that nothing else matters. you have stuck by me through some shit not everyone could handle. do you remember in primary school, we were together and it was after school while we were waiting for the bus, you grabbed me and kissed me goodbye, and it was in that moment i felt a buzz, like every nerve in me was electrocuted, it was the moment i realised i was so in love with you and everyday since then, my love has just grown more. i couldnt possibly imagine a life with anyone else. youve been so brave, so strong, even through the toughest stages in our lives, youve never given up and i dont know how to say thank you because it doesnt justify how amazing youve been and the love youve given me, even at times ive not deserved it. i cant wait to spend each and everyday making up for all the loss time, forever is a long time, but i wouldnt mind spending it by your side.

Siblings,

I feel disappointed, almost speechless. im one of the people you look up to for responsibilty, role model, someone to be proud of, and i have failed, I failed as your older sister, your friend, and for that i am so sorry, im sorry i couldnt guide you the right way through life. i know use dont blame me, and shit happens, but i need to hold that responsibility, im not afraid anymore, i know what i have to do and i will do it, but for me to move on and allow myself to be happy i need to see that youre doing ok, that my past and mistakes has helped you, not break you, genetically, we are WARRIROS.