Unruined Dreams

Sometimes I have to try very hard to think back to what life was like before I was placed with my foster family. I mostly blocked out allot of the unnecessary trauma. I spent most days and nights alone. My mom left me and my dad when I was just a toddler. I don’t remember her at all. I have one picture of her and me. Her smiling at my dad who was the photographer and me looking at the grass with my thumb in my mouth. The picture was taken outside of a trailer we lived in. I never thought twice about not having a mother when I was growing up. On some Days dad was enough, and on other days he was nonexistent. It was just he and I in that little trailer so when he wasn’t there it was me myself and I. Sometimes I would go days at a time without speaking to anyone. I made up the most elaborate stories and fantasized about being one of the characters.

One day before thanksgiving break I was called into the principal office. My teacher came with me and when we entered, there sat a stern woman and my Dad. They told me that I would have a break from my daddy for a couple weeks while he got himself and our living situation together. They brought him to the principal’s office to say goodbye to me. He stared at me for a while and said “Well Kiddo….we’re gonna be apart for a little while but its ok because you’re going to a fun place for kids.” I went back to my class to make paper turkeys and that was the last time I ever saw my dad.

After that Infamous Thanksgiving, I was sent to a group home which turns out wasn’t as great as my dad said it would be. I stayed there for a year and for the next 7 years I was in group homes and different foster homes. As bad as it was, I was still living through my fantasies. I constantly read books and I practically lived at the local libraries. The year I turned 16 I was removed from my current foster home. Apparently one of the kids who aged out made a complaint against the parents. It made no difference to me, I dreamed of a day where I would be free of all people. Maybe I would travel around the world. I just wanted to be through with people pretending to want me around.

A couple months after my latest group home stint, my case worker Ms. Cody let me know that they were placing me with a new family. I really had hoped I would stay in the group home until I aged out. I didn’t want to go with another pretending family. According to Ms. Cody I would be the only child living at this house. The wife was a substitute teacher and the husband was in a wheelchair. Great, I was probably going to be his nurse! I gathered the little things I owned said my goodbyes. Ms. Cody was going to take me to my new foster parents.

When we arrived at the house the parents were actually waiting for us outside. The Gourd’s. Edith and Mathew Gourd. Edith was tall and slender with the pettiest red hair. She had on a long breezy type dress and no shoes. She looked like what I imagined a hippie would look like in the 70’s. Mathew was a tough looking guy. Granted he was in a wheelchair but he was far from fragile looking. When we opened the door to exit the car, Edith came up to me asked if she could hug me.

“Um yes…sure” I stuttered

She gave the warmest hug. It was almost like she carried the sun in her arms. Mathew waved at me and hollered “Welcome to your new home!” These people were definitely very excited for me which was a drastic change from what I was used to. We all went inside the house, I noticed the ramp for Mathew and I expected Edith to wheel him in. He wheeled himself and he did it in a way that looked effortlessly. I had done this first day ritual so many times that I was used to it. Ms Cody would inspect my room and then talk to my parents while I unpacked. My new room was absolutely GREAT. I have always been in another room with other kids. This was my first room to myself! There was a bed with the fluffiest lilac comforter I have ever seen, a white bureau, and matching white desk. But the best thing about the room was that the window had a built in seat and surrounding the window were floating bookshelves filled with books! Fiction, nonfiction, classics, so many different genres’. I was so enthralled that I didn’t hear the Gourd’s come up behind me. They stayed in the doorway watching me. Eventually I turned around and saw them.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you come in” I embarrassingly stuttered

“Oh it’s ok sweetie” Edith said “ We just wanted to let you know that we’re very happy to have you here and please let us know if there is anything you need. I hope you enjoy the books. Ms Cody motioned to us how much you liked to read so we wanted to make your room as comfortable as possible.”

I couldn’t believe it. They purposely wanted to make me feel welcomed. And it didn’t stop there. Later that night Edith made a special dinner to welcome me to their home. Mathew mentioned that she had been working on it all day. While Edith cooked I took that time to get to know Mathew a little better and learn about my new family. Mathew had been in a farming accident as a child so his wheelchair life started fairly early. I learned that Mathew and Edith met at college and have been living happily ever after ever since. Dinner was wonderful and it stayed wonderful every day during my stay. Edith loved watching cooking shows and trying out new recipes and Mathew and I loved being her guinea pigs. I swear those first couple months I must have gained 15 pounds! Life with The Gourds was effortless. It was almost like I had known then my whole life. We shared so many good times; sometime at night I would literally pinch myself to make sure it wasn’t a dream. Eventually I stopped pinching myself because if it was a dream, I definitely didn’t want to wake up. Edith and Mathew helped me with my schooling. Making sure I was taking the right classes, talking to me about college, and getting me ready for the SAT’s. I had never thought about or was interested in college before I met them.

A couple of months before my 18th birthday I started feeling depressed. Summer was almost over and was accepted into the local Community college. College. Could I do this on my own? Was I good enough? I was about to age out of foster care. I spent so much time yearning to be alone that It didn’t occur to me that there might be another way to live life. The Gourds have been great but I noticed a bit of uneasiness from them as well as we waited for my upcoming birthday and departure date. What would happen when I turned 18? No one wants to take care of a child that, not only isn’t theirs but also someone they aren’t getting a check for. Three weeks before my 18th birthday I saw Edith crying in the living room and Mathew was consoling her. I walked away silently not wanting to intrude on the moment. I looked around my room. So beautiful…. still beautiful. I was only here a short time but the time I had was magical. I started packing my clothes. I wanted to be fully prepared for what was about to come. Packing was something I was used to but feeling my heart break was a new feeling.

There was a knock at the door.

“Come in” I muttered. Mathew was at the door.

He looked around the room and saw me packing. We locked eyes. He quickly looked away.

“Edith and I wanted to talk to you in the Den when you get a chance.”

“No problem, I’ll be right down” I said. I tried to add a little smile but failed. After Mathew left I waited a couple minutes, took a couple deep breaths and headed down to the Den. Edith was sitting on the couch and Mathew was right next to her in his chair. I looked around the Den and immediately thought of all the game and movie nights, birthday celebrations…there was even a framed picture of us on the wall. I sat across from the Gourd’s. My foster parents. The parents from my dreams. We sat together and waited and finally Edith broke the silence.

“Well….I wanted us to come together and talk because we all know big changes are coming. We have a couple things we want to give to you for your 18th birthday but before we do that we wanted to let you know how much you absolutely mean to us.” Edith tries to hold back tears “The best day of our lives was the first day we met you. “ Edith burst into tears and Mathew goes to console her. I have tears running down my face and Mathew motions for me to come over and we all huddle in a hug.

Edith exclaims “Ugh! This was supposed to be a happy occasion! Okay no more tears! We have some gifts we would like you to open before your actual birthday.” Mathew hands me two packages. One is a small box and one is an envelope. I open the box first and inside is a small little black book. Its looks like a tiny journal. I open the pages and I’m astonished. Each page has little snapshots of my short life with the Gourd’s. Me doing homework at the dinner table, that time Edith trimmed my hair and it turned horribly wrong, different outings. And next to each picture was a brief summary of what we were doing, but the last page, the last page of my little black scrapbook was the picture of me and my mother. Where I’m sucking my thumb and she’s smiling so hard at my dad. And next to the picture Edith wrote “Never forget where you come from”. How did she even get this picture? From Ms Cody I suppose. I sat in awe as I looked at all the pictures again.

“There’s still one more present” Mathew said.

I opened the envelope and a check falls into my lap. I picked up the check and it had my name on it and the amount said $20,000. I was truly confused why would they give me this amount of money? What was going on? There was also a form in the envelope. I read the top of the form and in big letters it says “ADOPTION PETITION”. Oh my God. The wanted me? They wanted to adopt me? I looked at Mathew. Mathew smiles and states “We saved all the money we received for you from the government. This money belongs to you and we want you to have it. We want you to have us as your forever parents too.” I didn’t know what to say. I jumped up so quickly and gave them the biggest hug I knew how to give. I couldn’t believe that this was happening. This was better than the fairytales and fantasies. I finally had a family. My own family. Later on we sat at the table eating pie and I stopped and reached over to pinch myself but I changed my mind. This was a dream I didn’t want to ruin.