Uncertainty and Complete Certainty

Being a mother is hard. Whether you are older or younger, it's a lot of work and people will have different experiences and troubles throughout the entire process.

I, myself, am a young mother. Now, when I got pregnant, that was one of the most scariest and happiest moments of my life. The father was away and I took three pregnancy tests until one said positive. What can I say? When you know, you know. I didn't know exactly how I felt, and I had a moment of disbelief even though I was as certain as I could be. I knew I was going to have trouble with raising a child so young. I had to defer my university course and I was fired from my job, which was my only source of income. I had to find a house as my family home was too crowded and I wanted the space to be able to raise my child and give her everything she needed.

Pregnancy came and went and as much as us women say, "I want it to be over, why does it take so long?" We sometimes miss the feeling that it brought us. I wasn't gifted with the many cravings that a lot of pregnant women get, and I had mostly an easy pregnancy. I say this, understanding that this isn't the case for everyone and a lot of you maybe didn't get as lucky as me and had a lot of scary and hard times throughout. For that, I am sorry and I hope that everything will or has worked out for you. The most scariest part for me was the possibility of getting fat, being judged because of my age and worried that I wouldn't be able to give my little girl everything that she needed.

My first contraction hit at 7pm on the dot and the sharp pain felt like severe period pain, so I brushed it off. My friends told me it was happening, it's finally here and I laughed at them telling them "not yet." After several hours and increasing pain, I was certain that my baby was telling me it's time to be welcomed into the world. Early morning, I went to the hospital and was turned away as I wasn't close enough. I waited it out longer. My contractions began hitting closer together and more painful so I again was checked out at the hospital and turned away because I was four centimetres dilated. One more than you needed to be to be admitted. I was told to go home, get some sleep between contractions and wait.

Now, this is the biggest load of crap that I had heard throughout my pregnancy, and that's saying a lot. When you get told you are glowing, it's because the person is scared of your mood swings and that's just a nice thing to say to not set you off. You get told you are looking skinny and maintaining your weight well because you added a few too many extra kilos. Growing up, I was told a lot of things about how beautiful pregnancy is, and I was quite prepared for it. But it absolutely sucks. You can't get off the couch or your bed without help or a lot of wiggling of your much larger ass. Your mood swings make you feel like you have bipolar and maternity clothes are expensive and most of the time, ugly. You need to pee as soon as you sit down and sometimes you go to the toilet, get into bed and need to pee again. Yeah, it's awesome sometimes when you can see your belly moving but really, that is just a little person kicking your insides. It's great always having somebody to talk to, but truth is that they don't ever really answer you or understand exactly what you are saying. You take a while to get from A to B because you have trouble getting in and out of the car and you waddle slower than a penguin.

You cannot sleep during labour. You have little intervals between contractions and they last for over a minute. The pain becomes more and more excruciating and if you can fall asleep between them, you are an absolute warrior and I bow down to you.

My third time going to the hospital, I was finally admitted. For many hours, I was on the gas, nitrous oxide mixed with oxygen, until it started making me extremely nauseated and physically sick. I then had the nurses break my waters to help things start to move along as my body wasn't doing it on it's own. I was becoming very ill and the pain was forcing me to scream and nearly loose consciousness. All of my pregnancy, I swore to no drugs when the time labour came. I wanted to do it completely natural and push through for a little while to decrease any risk to my child. I didn't drink any sort of caffeine, eat soft serve ice cream or have the smell of lavender in my home. I kept healthy and did every possible thing I could for my baby. If a rumour came out about something that could do harm to your baby, I decided to believe it was real and not risk it, even if it had no liability. But by the time I was that far into labour, I made the decision to get an epidural. This is a local anaesthetic that is ingested in to the space around the spinal nerves in your lower back. You cannot move during the procedure and it has a extreme sharp pain that you must endure, but is worth it once it has been given, relieving the pain of contractions and childbirth.

The epidural was what got me through the last hours of my labour. At twenty-eight hours in, I was told to push. I was not entirely certain when I should push or if I was when they were telling me to. I felt drained and an immense loss of energy and strength. My legs were near numb and I was beginning to fall asleep between pushes.

Two hours later, a little baby girl was placed on my chest. She was blue and her lips were discoloured. The nurses were shaking her, and telling me to keep shaking my newborn baby, just like a doll, to give her oxygen. I was disoriented and unsettled. I kept hearing the nurses say "C'mon, sweetheart." I was scared.

My daughter was becoming more pink and crying on my chest. After a few moments, they took her away for tests. I forced myself to stay awake, to see her and hold her again, which was hard when I was up to hour forty six of being awake and after an ultimate amount of effort. But I needed her in my arms. A while passed until my beautiful baby was handed back to me, rugged up and asleep in a pink blanket. I cuddled her and her hand gripped my little finger. She was so small and so big at the same time.

That was the night that I made a promise to her to always show her love. I may not be able to give her all of the presents and gifts she wants and I may tell her no to extra chocolate cake sometimes but I will give her all of my heart and love for her to grow into a woman that is confident and strong.

It may have been one of the most out of body experiences I have ever had but it's the only one I would never think twice about doing all over again.