Two homes, Twice the Love: My Journey with Overnight Stays.

“No parent anywhere wants their child to come from what’s typically described as a ‘broken home.’”

However, sometimes things are out of our control, and the result can often be that the child is ‘shared’ between parents. This will never be an easy thing to do, but if it is done consciously and with love, the child can feel happiness in both homes.

I remember the sick, gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach when my son’s dad first mentioned overnight stays. I just couldn’t imagine how I would cope without my baby by my side. At the time, I was breastfeeding, so we agreed that until he was no longer so dependent on feeds, we would start to consider overnight stays.

Until it got to a point where I was literally struggling to keep going. Around the time of my PND diagnosis and severe lack of sleep, I was almost at the point of losing it. My body was screaming for rest, and so finally, I agreed to my son staying overnight at his dad’s. We’d both worked ourselves up for frantic texts and urgent phone calls to discuss how he would not settle without me. Yet to our surprise, he did. He slept soundly without a peep. I couldn’t believe it! I hadn’t had a full night’s sleep since he was born—until that night. Albeit, I wasn’t able to lie in for long due to engorgement and leaking.

I missed him dearly and couldn’t wait for him to be back in my arms for a cuddle and a feed. That breastfeeding bond was magical for us.

Once I stopped nursing around the end of January/beginning of February, it started to feel a little easier, and my son was able to stay two nights at his dad’s. I still found that shift in energy once I hugged and kissed him goodbye and shut my front door. Silence. The silence and the absence of his company—at times welcomed for the peace, at other times strangely empty.

I had to work on my control issues too, wanting there to be consistency between both homes so that our son would have smooth transitions. Luckily for me, his dad was on board with the routines, nap times, and bedtime schedule. I feel like this helped our son feel more comfortable and accepting of the changes in environments.

I had to trust the process and not overthink it. I knew that if I didn’t do this, I would make myself sick with worry. I could sit there all weekend worrying about what was and wasn’t happening—or I could just be and let my nervous system rest.

I remember having a conversation with my mum about when my sister and I would go and stay at our dad’s on the weekend. There weren’t any smartphones back then, so my mum couldn’t get updates about our weekends, or pictures of us enjoying activities. I couldn’t imagine that. My son’s father and I send each other pictures of our son frequently, update each other about how he’s doing, his development, his quirks, and any illness or concerns. These things give me peace of mind, and seeing him playing and exploring happily with his dad on the weekends brings me joy.

At times, it can feel like you’re missing out on some of your child’s life. It always feels like he looks older when he returns to me on a Sunday afternoon, which in hindsight makes me really appreciate and stay present as much as possible for the times he is with me. It reminds me how fleeting time is and how quickly he will grow up. It also reminds me of my own life flashing before my eyes.

It has also made me realise another important aspect—to make more time for me. To use the time that he’s at his dad’s to do the things I want to do. Whether that means relaxing for the weekend and catching up on sleep, visiting the Buddhist centre or gym, socialising with friends and family, or being more present with them.

Two homes can mean twice the love, and I’m grateful to the fact that my son has two safe spaces. It will never not be hard to say goodbye to my son on a Friday evening and feel like I’m missing out on things. However, once I see a picture from his dad of him smiling away and embarking on another adventure, it instantly feels like I’m there with him.

“Home is not a place, it’s a feeling.”— Cecelia Ahern.

This piece is part of my blog series Redefining Family, My Way — a gentle exploration of love, boundaries, and belonging in non-traditional family life.

Read more on my blog, Diary of a Modern Mummy: https://diaryofamodernmummy.blogspot.com