Triggered

Triggered

Warning: this is kinda sort of a venting moment..

We Celebrated my co worker's first baby.

Today I was triggered.

My co worker baby shower was a success. I helped planned it, purchased the gift, and recorded the whole thing. I painstakingly picked out the perfect baby shower decorations to match my coworker’s baby room theme. I discuss the plans millions of times. I laugh, joked, and rejoiced in his happiness.

And I hated every minute of it. Not like hate in a way that was malicious, because I truly am happy for his first child. It was more so in a, it reminded me of what I lost sort of way. It triggered some memories that I did not want to or was not ready to revisit. It reminded me of September 9, 2019 when they threw me a baby shower at work. I sat in the same chair, while they handed me my gifts in the same manner. They all flocked around me like they did him and recorded it. Baby CJ was going to be so spoiled. Everybody was so excited for him to come. I worked up until nine months of my pregnancy. So they were very much invested at that time.

Then 45 days later I lost him. I thought I did everything right but his heart stopped and there was nothing I could do to save him. I know that people lives around me won't stop, hell can't stop, but neither will the pain. The pain every time I see baby pictures from people who was pregnant the same time I was. The pain every time I see memories on Facebook. The pain every time I celebrate someone else bundle of joy. I thought that by pretending I had moved on from it, it would help me heal in some way. Well let me tell you, that does not work.

It's funny because sometimes a few people would kind of around the way ask me was I ok when discussing babies. I would always smile and say of course. But, could they not see the tears in my eyes? The subtle hitch in my voice. Every baby shower since mine the expectant parent received a elephant with a blanket attached. That was my favorite gift for baby CJ and it had his name on it.

I really am happy for all the expecting moms and moms with babies. Let me just put that out there. I'm just so angry and sad that I can't share their same joy.

Why can’t they leave me out of the damn baby shower. Why should I have to tell people that anything baby related still triggers me? Shouldn’t that be obvious? Why the hell would the person who gave me the elephant buy the same thing for everybody else? When did people become so insensitive to infant loss. I get it, ok life goes on. But, it’s almost like its taboo to mourn to long or at all. So now it’s bottled up inside for fear of being pitied or worse criticize for grieving. Which in turn just causes jealousy, anger, resentment, shame, and other examples of prolonged pain. I can’t speak for others I just know how I feel . I’m angry at myself. I’m jealous of others happiness. I’m shame to still be hurting this bad and it’s been almost two years. Hell I’m shame to be even writing this, but if I did not get it out somehow I was going to break. That speaks volumes. I just want to wake up one morning and not feel like I’m still waiting on the other shoe to drop. Like I’m waiting to wake up from this nightmare that I must have taken sleeping pills with, because hello I’m still sleep.

So yeah as I digress, to whomever read this “venting session” I hope you don’t understand what I mean or going through. Because if you do well I’m so sorry..air hug.