To You

To you, the one who helped raise us; though it was only for the first few years…

With parents who divorced before I could even begin to remember, the first clear memory of mine was when the two of you were fighting outside the car.

Buckled into a babyseat, the windows were cracked open. The scent of the burning cigarettes lingered on my nose as the scent slowly seeped into the windows. The way you both inhaled your cigarettes as you yelled at each other, and the way the gentle smoke moved into the direction of the car, imprinted on my mind as clear as day.

It might not be the first memory I remember having, but out of all the firsts, this one was the one that calls out; the one that grabs my attention and forces me into the realization that you two weren’t meant to stay together.

It was my first lesson; real life has heartaches that movies don’t show.

I thought never seeing you, was due to her… But she did nothing wrong except protect and raise my sister and I. She never kept you away from us as I thought all my life growing up, but rather you chose to not see us.

Now that I’ve grown I know the truth; you had children with your mistress. We were those mistakes. We’re probably mistakes in your eyes so why is it that now, when we’re grown up, we’re of the age to make our own money, you rely on us to choose a job that benefits our wealth? No, that benefits your wealth.

In your eyes we’re just your failed kids from your failed wife, that should make money to help you survive, but to me, through my eyes; you were the only father I had.

I was brought into this life without a choice, with the thought that I had a happy family. I learned the hard truth though. It took my whole life of my own mother lying, making me somewhat resent her for keeping you away from us, to realize at nineteen the truth; you stayed distant from us because you loved another woman.

You married my mother because you got her pregnant, while cheating on your supposed ‘true love’. My mother was pregnant with my older sister, and you both decided to marry and have me a year after.

I thought I was prepared for anything; any heartbreak, loneliness, and sadness I could experience. Once I found the truth about you, you broke and shattered the love for myself and my confidence that took years to grow, into tiny specs of dust. Here I sit, overwhelmed by the truth and regret.

The biggest heartbreak at the time was from a manipulative ex-boyfriend. I thought at the time, that's the only heartbreak I'll ever have. How humorous is it, that after believing that, the biggest heartbreak in my entire life would be because of my own father?

I didn’t understand why she kept us from you, and I would always defend you when her family talked badly about you; but the truth is, you were the one who hurt her.

You cheated on your so-called ‘true love’ by deciding to have my mother as your mistress. You tricked my mother to fall in love with you, that she was the only one for you. She had your kids and then she found the truth that after all those years, she was your mistress. She was your mistress who found out you had another love in Korea; another lady you claimed to be your true love in notebooks and journals. You never left contact with that ‘true love’ of yours even after you had us. I know now about why you would always travel to Korea alone, and it was just so you could betray my mother and us whenever you left.

You left us.

You disappeared and in a flash the next vivid memory was one that was only crying and screaming. My sister and I begging her to stop hurting us.

I’ve been scarred of that memory for all my life because she hit us like she hated us. The same night I woke up, to see her in the living room watching ‘Mr and Mrs. Smith’.

I was terrified to call out to her, I could feel the cold sensation go through my body as my little self tried to call for my mother, but I was scared that my loving, kind mother wasn’t there anymore. Yet, she saw me, and called out to me sweetly like she always did. She apologized and I cried in her arms apologizing too if I did something bad. We both cried for a few minutes until I calmed down and fell asleep. I woke up a bit after in her arms, to see the same movie playing. I asked her what it was about.

“A marriage between spies. They got married but are enemies and they find out.” She sat me up and explained. She continued explaining the movie and would cover my eyes when violent things appeared on screen.

That’s who my mother is. Someone who’s been broken to the point where she hit her kids, because they‘re only reminders of the lying man she loved. Yet even so, she loves us. She never wanted us to be exposed to violence or scary things in the world and tried to protect us. It’s ironic looking back at it. She covered my eyes because bad guys were being killed and beaten up, yet only a few hours before, she was hurting us the same.

She decided to continue talking.

“Your family has a mommy bear, sister bear, and daddy bear. But sometimes the mommy and daddy bear don’t love each other anymore, so the daddy bear has to go away.” I vividly remember her using her fingers to try to explain.

Her right index finger was the mommy bear, her middle finger was the sister bear, and the ring finger was the baby bear. On her left hand, the index finger was the daddy bear.

I watched the daddy bear go away as she seperated her hands. She put her finger down, signifying the daddy bear leaving. On her right hand she holds up three fingers still.

“The daddy bear might have left, but you have your sister bear and mommy bear, and mommy bear only has her two little cubs.”

I don’t remember much details after this, and its fuzzy on whether or not I was crying or my mother was crying, but I ended up watching the rest of the movie. The fight scenes vivid to me as I lay in my mothers arms as she slept, while I continued watching before I fell asleep too.

I’m not blaming anyone for actions someone else did, but my mother hit us for the first time out of anger towards you.

I can’t justify her actions of doing something cruel like that, to little kids who didn’t know what was left or right, but I can forgive her because we were the children of the man who hurt her.

I’m sure if she knew I remembered, she would never forgive herself, because I know after all these years she hasn’t forgotten either. There’ll be little moments where she’ll try to hint if we remember. My sister doesn’t remember it at all, but I clearly do. Knowing it’ll hurt her more, I keep ignorance and pretend I have no recollection of that night.

At the end of the day though, you lied to her, made her seem you were in love, and tricked us into thinking you loved all three of us. I blame you for the things my mother did. I blame you that she hurt us to that extent, because all you did was hurt my mother's heart without a care.

If you knew how badly she hurt us that night, would it even faze you?

I have so many questions for you, I’m scared but I want the answers. I loved you my entire life but for the first time I don’t want to see your face until I know the answers.

Why did you cheat on your girlfriend with my mom? Why is my father one of the people I despise? Is your girlfriends children, her two sons who are younger than me, your biological kids? Did you even care that you left us? Are we just your ex-mistress’ children in your eyes? Did you never come to see us because we were children of the woman you never wanted to marry? Were you ever truly happy with mom and us? And the most important question;

Did you ever apologize for hurting my mother?

I’m not asking you these questions from the loving daughter you used to have, I’m asking you these question from the daughter of your mistress.

It doesn’t matter if I never get answers to these questions, because no matter what you say, it won’t affect what I see you as now. You’re only the man who hurt my mother.

To you; if you ever read this, or if I ever get the courage to tell you in person myself;

I will never carry out your family name. My accomplishments from here on out and through my entire life will always be to make my mother proud. The mother that gave me happiness, and raised us the best she could alone. My mother who took multiple jobs to let us live happily, because you wanted to give your money to your 'true love'. The woman you hurt so much, was the only parent who came to sit by my side when I cried from depression at 3am. The only parent who was always there for my first days of school and for field trips, the same woman who you hurt so badly, is the strongest parent I have, and someone I will always love more than you.

You might have never loved her but I’ll love her enough to fix what you broke. She gave me my life, so if I’m to thank someone for the joys I can experience, it’s to her. All I can say to you is, you’re the only father I have but I can’t love you like I love her. As cruel as I sound, you weren’t here for me. You came back whenever you needed money. However my mother raised me better, so I’ll gladly help you one day if you need it, but you’re not the father I want.

My mother is the only parent I have.

Dr. Lee has a nice ring, or even CEO Lee. I have big wild dreams that seem impossible to reach, and I wanted to do it for you. Only because you engraved it in our heads we had to give you a legacy to be proud of. Just know whatever I do in my life, it's not for you anymore.

For the mother that has been there my entire life, through my selfishness, tears, tantrums and fights, I will succeed for myself and for my mother. I’ll aim to make accomplishments so large that they’ll make my mother’s eyes spin, but you wont be the family member I’m doing this for.

The mother who wants me to chase after happiness and not money like you, is the person I want to do this for. A woman so selfless that she feels guilty if I say I want to give her a good life, even when she’s struggled financially all her life. A woman who’s so strong and caring, she wasn’t the one who told me the truth about you.

It’s been five years since I found the truth about you, yet she doesn’t know I know the truth. She despises you, yet wants to protect your image to us. She‘s someone so strong, she swallows her pain and pride to pretend you’re a caring father who tried.

It’s been five years since I found the truth about you, yet she has no idea the one who told me about you, was her own brother. My fun, loving uncle who cares about my loving mother, told me the truth about you. Though I know the truth, she continues to say positive things about you. It’s been around twenty years since you’ve divorced, and I’m not sure if this is from the love she has for my sister and I, or if she still cares about you, but she’ll say those positive things about you, unknowing that we know the truth.

The same mother who covered my eyes as a child because she didn’t want me seeing scary things, is the same mother now. She’s trying to cover my eyes to the scary and ugly parts of you, unknowing that I already saw it.

To you who hurt my mother, who’s trying your best to mend our relationship now, you’re the only father I have, but my mother loved us enough that a father wasn’t and isn‘t needed.

My mother alone is more than enough for me, and you won’t be adding anything to the love she already gave us.

One day I’ll tell her I know, and I’ll thank her for trying to cover my eyes to the ugly parts of you, but for now, it’s my turn to cover her eyes. If she‘s afraid of her two adult daughters who are both in their twenties, finding out the truth of you, then I’ll gladly be ignorant and pretend I don’t know, only for her.

One day I'll be able to gain the courage and share this letter to her, and admit the things she didn't want me knowing.

To my mother, if I get the courage to share this with you,

You’ve given all the love I could ever need and you continue to give more. You’ve lived a life without me, but I‘ve never lived a life without you. Until I can give you a lavish life with no worries, until I can make your dream of painting every Sunday morning in a flower covered greenhouse, with a hot cup of coffee at your side, come true; please stay alive and healthy until then.

Please stay alive until I can properly give you a life you haven’t had, but deserve. Please stay alive and in my life more until I can gain the courage to tell you the truth. Please stay healthy so you can have the rest of your life, exploring your passions you abandoned in order to raise us the best you did. Please live for yourself and know one day you won’t have to work another day in your life because you have us.

Most importantly; please don’t feel sorry to us. You feel sorry because we grew up without a father but you can’t seem to understand, no matter how much I explain, is that you’ve loved us so much that it never felt like anything was missing.

Please stay alive so I can give you back the same love and care you gave your kids.

Until then, I’ll give you as much love as I can now.

Love, your baby bear.