To My Uncle,

To My Uncle,

It’s been a long time—far too long—but I can still hear the words you told me and recall the lessons you taught me. You always wanted me to be better than our blood. You taught me the value of being honorable, compassionate, and understanding even in the face of the worst. I may not have lived up to everything you wanted me to be, but I hope I’ve made you proud.

Out of everyone in the family, I never questioned if you would be there for me through all of this. Mom, Dad, Grandma, everyone turned their backs on me. If I’d come out sooner, if I’d fought for it back then I’m sure dad would have disowned me, but you would have been right there to pick me up and help me through it all. I probably would have graduated if you had, probably would have gone off to some school for programming and not waste so much time trying to make it in the film industry. Not because they’re what you would have wanted but because you would have at least been pushing me to be better and do better.

Unlike my father. All he did was push for me to be what he wanted. All he did was push for me to do what would help him. Why did I ever listen to him? Why did I ever let him control me?

You were right to push me to get out. You were right to push me to be my own person. You were right that the family would fall apart without you. And you were right that I’d have to be the glue.

I hate that I lost you so soon. I still remember the night I got that call. I didn’t understand what was happening and couldn’t fully process it even though you prepared me for it. It was only a year before that you told me you were going to die, only a year before that you told me I was the only one you could trust to be the rock for the family and hold us together. I wasn’t even an adult and even though you put me in that unfair position I did what I could to be the person you taught me to be.

I wish I’d spend more time with you. I wish I’d been more honest with you. I wish I hadn’t latched on to the stupid idea that I was somehow ‘too cool’ to be around you. Because, truth is, you were the best part of my childhood, the best fatherly figure I could have asked for, and the only family member that I could have trusted who I am with back then. When you died, I stopped feeling. I didn’t know how to process that grief and even now I write this and find myself wishing I knew what to do with all this.

I can never repay you for all you did. I can never tell you how much I loved you. I can never be the niece you didn’t know you had because I couldn’t figure out who I was until it was too late. But I try, even on the days when it’s all too much, to follow the example you gave me. Even when I fail, I pick myself up and carry on like you would have wanted. I try to be compassionate, understanding, and honorable—even with all this anger.

I wish you were here. I wish you could tell me what to do. I wish you could see all I’ve accomplished.

Love,

Your niece