To My Dad

Dad, I am not entirely sure that you deserve that title. It really has got zero meaning to me just a hollow word that almost makes me gag hearing it come out of my mouth.

May 2022, It's my 21st birthday, I had proper party. You missed it. I guess you'll send me my card closer to Christmas this year, maybe? Along with the 15 other birthdays you have missed. Mum made it great, Organised it all.

October 2021, I had my first horse show, It was a mess. My horse - Leo, you wouldn't know his name, nor age, nor breeding, nor the effort I have put into him, he had a freak-out - his first show too ( young ex racehorse) . Mum was there, she worried and is not too keen on the idea of horses but, she still came, in fact organised for most of the family to come to.

April 2021, I got my first office job, you could not tell me the name of the company, what kind of people owned it or the name of the role that I had. It was difficult working there, for people who have very low opinions on women, I was the only girl in the office. I made a friend, more than a friend Richard became my work dad - even after I left he stood up for me and even after he left he still looks forward to my calls, welcomes me into his home, texts me to remind that to have a good time, " Hey Kiddo, you go have some fun xx be safe n keep n eye out for each other" he says.

January 2021, I got promoted to manager of the store I work out, Do you even know which franchise? Hell no. It was a tough position to be in, not because of the work, you would not know but, my work ethic is brilliant - must not come from you. I was mentally drained from the people I worked for, family run - big history of untreated mental illnesses. It was a huge step for me to leave - I became part of the family for a while there, home away from home. It was a draining environment but, I did not know any better.

February 2020, Wow out of the city for the first time - for good, I think. You would not know that it became my residency, wanna play a game? guess the town, even the region?. The Wheatbelt is beautiful I think I get the love from the country from my Grandad. He came to visit as did mum and the cousins and Aunties, Uncles.

December 2019, I am in a bad place, I have gone a bit off the rails, my friends seemed to have turned their backs, mum does not want me around. I am alone. The buzz of drugs seem to dim that feeling. Life is good with a bit of chemical help. You would not know how often this happened, where my weekends were spent or the situation after situation I was getting myself into. Mum does she worries but, I am too far to gone.

Shall I continue? this is only a few highlights and events that have happened over two years. I do not have a care factor for the fact that you were not there. In fact it proves that I have coped, adapted and have been resilient without you I have managed to pull myself out of rough situations, have fun and develop into the person I am today with absolutely no thanks to you. Not only did we get along really quite well without you we dealt with the broken pieces you left behind. For a while there I had wished that you were around it caused breakdown after breakdown however, as I got older I realised that if you had wanted to be there, if you wanted to have any form of contact, if you had cared you would have and you know that hurt for a while but, then I realised you are not even worth the time, energy or tears. That coming from your own child must fucking suck. I hope it does.